Worthwhile pain, for a worthwhile person…

It’s funny how a sense of happiness no matter how fleeting makes you change your whole perspective on things.

I’ve still felt low these last few weeks/months but there was something there, a hope, a realisation that I would be able to get out of this and soon.

After all, if I can like someone again, as more than a friend, and put myself out there to at least try. Regardless of how hopeless the situation was? Well, I have to take some positive from that don’t I?

I mean, it wasn’t all me, I was led to believe there could have been something more but I could have pulled or pushed her away, instead I tried.
A friend at work, a lady I work with, told me that she is proud of me for trying. She was surprised when she found out i tried because she didn’t think i would. She thought the fear from my last hurt would stop me.
So was I, if I’m honest.

The thing is, i don’t want to shut off. I spent 10 years hiding from my feelings, pushing people away, because I hated being hurt. Because it felt so painful.

Then along came my ex and showed me that yes it hurts, more than anything. But sometimes it’s worth it.

This current situation felt like something worthwhile, it felt worth the potential pain. And whilst I wish I didn’t feel like this, if something did/had come from this? It would be totally worth it. And that’s saying a lot. Because the sensitive side of me is taking this hard.

The overthinking side of my brain is trying to destroy any communication by just seeing the negatives. Hence taking space away from the situation and person involved.
It hurts because I’m not able to speak to the one person i care about most, even just as a friend.

But hopefully i can get these emotions settled and try friendship again.
I’m stifling the hope thats rising because i don’t want to get caught in that whirlpool, but the romantic side of me is making that hard too.

Im still so confused. And having my low mood today? Is just clouding my judgement even more.

Still, a positive is that i tried. I found someone i care about deeply and was brave enough to try. As much as it now hurts, i have to try and remember the momentary highs from it being partly reciprocated.
It is just a shame it wasn’t more.

I wish it was as cool as it looks out here tonight. Aside from the stuffiness, my anxiety, and feeling on edge right now, the view is pretty amazing. 

No matter how many times i look at this beach (with the ocean receding) it always looks so alien to me. Something about the calm waves and the black chalk reef i think.

Deep breaths.

I cant stop thinking about her today. Everywhere I’ve looked my mind has found something to lead my thoughts back to her cuteness. Her pretty face.

I want to let it all out. How i feel, what i feel. But i have no one i can do it with. I just want someone to listen. I have a week off coming up (in about 2 weeks time – ish).

I might be meeting up with a friend then. Maybe we can help each other out. She’s having a tough time too. A problem shared is a problem halved right? 

Anyway, tonight the view does look like an alien landscape. And whilst it’s not far enoigh away from my own life for good measure, it’ll do to let me escape, mentally. For now at least…

I know i said i was trying to work up to sharing how i feel right now on here. Truth is im not sure im ready just yet. I still cant write the words without crying. I’ll try again sunday and early next week and see what i end up with. No promises – to you readers or myself.

Goodnight all. 

When it rains…

It pours.

At least that’s how the saying goes…

I really felt like I needed the walk tonight. I needed to let out some pent up anxiety, some overwhelming emotions. I’m not ashamed to admit it today; I need a good cry.

But fate, or luck, is against me. It’s absolutely tipping it down out there tonight. I attempted to go out after all a little rain never hurt anyone. However, as I reached the end of the road and turned onto the beach facing road? It became very clear that I would not make it to the shelter on the cliff without becoming drenched. I’d rather not get ill as well as feel like this so I turned on the spot and headed home. I’ll have to settle for holding it in a little longer and letting it all out tonight when I go to sleep.

I know it’s not healthy to keep this locked up, it hurts and the longer I leave it the worse it becomes, but crying in front of my family only leaves me open to ridicule and makes my mother worry. She’s in the hospital right now and the last thing I need her to do is worry about me.

I hate feeling like this, because It’s like a vicious spiral. When I’m down it’s like trying to go through life underwater. Everything is so much harder. Even simple, everyday things like walking. 

I was having a relatively bad day today. I was having trouble stopping myself from overthinking. Well, it’s complicated because I never really stop it but I can, on occasion, distract myself. I had difficulty with that today. everything led back to (E). Or at least something that happened between us. I need to figure out a way to stop that because it is doing my head in. I can be thinking about anything and it’ll lead back to something I’m insecure about. When I try and find a positive thing to combat that negative thought my brain almost automatically thinks back to something that really made me believe the positive…. Unfortunately, that is almost always something (E) said to me. Because the most recent thing that made me feel like I didn’t care about what I was insecure about was her.

It’s hard because it makes me smile. But the minute I start thinking about when it happened I can feel my mind slipping. So I have to try and stop it and in doing so, I become frustrated. It’s something I need to work on – being more positive but kinder to myself. My counsellor said I should not be annoyed that I catch myself – I should, instead, be happy that I even know I’m doing it. Even more so when I catch it and stop it successfully.

Anyway, something nice did happen at work today. Something I want to share because it’s important how little things affect people in ways you might not realise…

I’m a nervous person. And I am very anxious around people I do not know very well.

There’s a girl at my work, she’s friends with my friend (K) and I’ve occasionally said hello to her and her boyfriend, she seems nice but I don’t really know her well enough to speak to her – I just feel awkward and don’t really know what to say. So I don’t say anything. I just keep to myself.

Anyway, she came up to me earlier and asked if I went to the London Comicon often? We had a brief chat about it, and how I went last year but I’m not too bothered about making it an annual thing (i just didn’t enjoy it enough). She told me she only asked because she had an all-weekend pass going spare and wondered if I wanted it. I very politely declined as I was not going this year but thanked her for thinking of me and offering.

It really made me smile, it also made me feel more at ease around her. It might sound silly but when someone says something like that, a nicety that is genuine, it just helps me feel more at ease around them. I can’t see myself opening up and telling her my life story or having a long deep conversation with her, but at least I won’t feel so awkward when talking to her in general now. It’s nice to feel that relaxation.

A silly thing to mention but it was a nice moment in an otherwise stressful/anxious emotionally hard day…

Anyway, i’ve droned on far longer than i’d planned… I think i should sleep. 2 more shifts and i get some time to myself, away from work!