I am in a relationship. We are officially partners in crime (although we are yet to actually commit a crime…
Anyway, tonight we went for a walk after dinner at hers. We went for a walk along the beach and the local harbour.
It was wonderful. It was only a walk but the company and the area were perfect.
I haven’t smiled like this in a long time.
Things with my friend may be going slow (100% mutual consent) but they’re still going well.
We spoke for 4.5hrs last night, on the phone, something I don’t ever recall doing before, with anyone else.
And all it’s done is make me smile like a fool all day.
I’ve been struggling, up and down, with my anxiety this week and work has not helped.
So to wake up today, having had that wonderful conversation, and then feel pretty good about me anxiety-wise? Well, I don’t know how to describe other than to simply say that it’s nice!
I laughed and joked with a colleague today and noticed a change in how I felt towards a few different things. And that I was able to move my focus off of something that really annoyed me (management being rude once more) and turn it towards good, positive things!
It feels like a really nice, good day.
I walked my friend home and enjoyed the chilled air as we spoke about random stuff. It was nice to have that conversation and general company.
Even more so seeing as the person I was with is pretty awesome.
Anyway, I wanted to place this one good post in and just take today (and the phone conversation from last night) in a little.
I’m grateful for today. And for the fun and happiness i feel!
So, how do I write this…
I’ve been struggling these last 6 months, both personally and with feelings that I didn’t want to feel.
With the help of my therapist and some serious thinking, I found the strength to set myself some boundaries.
I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but things are finally looking up both in my own mind and in general.
This past week I’ve stood up to someone, complained about them, had a meeting with both of my managers, and pushed myself past the edge of what I felt was possible.
If I combine all of that with how things are going with my friend right now? Well, it has been a bloody good week!
I have struggled for a while now, emotionally, but the distance that was created between me and my friend helped me come to terms with my own feelings and how I felt.
It allowed me some space and distance to really reflect on how I felt, what I wanted etc.
Once I got that sorted in my head, things seemed to click for me.
My friend came back into my life. And boy, did she come flying back in, in the best way.
We’ve spoken, got our feelings out in the open, spoke about what each of us wanted, and agreed… Friendship first everything else? If it’s meant to happen? It’ll happen.
And, where before I would be freaking out, worrying seems to be at a minimum in regards to things with her.
I still get fleeting moments of panic or worry, but they’re much easier to rationalise and talk myself down from.
I don’t know how or why it’s like this, but I feel so comfortable when I’m around her. Even when we message, I don’t panic about responses. I can take the time I need before responding and when she takes her time? I do not panic at all.
It’s surreal and it feels too good to be true, to be on the same page as someone. I’m just trying my best to enjoy it and have fun. I’m also just happy being myself with her, which I know helps so much with being comfortable.
We had a lovely day, yesterday, and we spoke, walked, chilled, laughed, ate, and simply got to know each other some more. It was fantastic.
Basically, we’re getting back to being close and both seem to feel the same. I’m not rushing things in my head, or for real. And I’ve never felt so happy being in this situation
It’s nice.
Anyway, its been a while since I last posted and that was because I needed to work on myself refocus things.
Going forward im not going to force myself to write on here or Instagram. But I will post as and when I need to. I just needed to take the pressure of myself.
Speak soon. Maybe…
A creepy night time walk!
I walked around my home area, not far, about half a mile (if that). It was cold, and brisk and allowed me some respite from the chaos that is my house.
There is so much going on here that I walk in and just absorb all of the anxiety and tense feelings.
And it overwhelms me. I was holding back tears since i walked in. And only now have i started to feel calmer. I got home at 5.30pm. That’s nearly 4hrs of feeling tense and anxious. My heart is still going too fast for my liking. But at least the walk helped.
And to be honest, it felt a but creepy out there tonight.
Hopefully I can get at least some rest before tomorrow…
I’m feeling low tonight. It’s been getting worse this past week, not entirely sure of the reason why. Maybe its the weather warming up and maybe its because the sunsets are coming back. I love a sunset and I’m blessed to live in a coastal area that offers such beautiful ones.
However, they also bring back some negative thoughts, based in my own self-esteem and confidence issues. That, doubled with my overthinking and sensitivity means all those feelings I had this time last year, are coming back through memories.
I’m trying to distinguish between current and past emotions but the line is thin, because I still feel the ones I’m remembering. To say I’m confused and overwhelmed, is to understate how I feel, overall, right now… And it sucks.
That said, theres a pretty stunning display by the moon and a possible planet. Seen here in my photo (its night so might look a little blurry)… I’m going to let some tears free and hope to unburden my mind somewhat… *crossed fingers*
The past few weeks have felt so chaotic. Not in the sense of having a lot going in, but in the sense that my head has simply been all over the place.
I’ve been meaning to write a summary post for a few weeks now, but i just get so bogged down with anxiety and feeling low that i struggle to get anything coherent down.
i say a few weeks, i had a dream about [E] a few weeks ago, nothing since, but she has been on my mind almost non-stop, still.
The dream itself was harmless, in so much that it was just a memory blended with seeing her again in the future. it was upsetting because i miss her a lot, but also because it felt a little too real. That said, i’ve not had another one since so i’ve managed to try and push past it a little. I still think about her all the time, little things here and there remind me of her. The bench we sat on during out second date, the smell of her perfume, her room. Silly little things that just stop me in my tracks. They’re a little jarring, and can be painful, tear-inducing, but they’re just thoughts. It’s easy to say that whilst i type this, it’s certainly not easy when it happens out of the blue – surprise scents are a huge hurdle and cause some serious memory flashes, pro tip there for anyone going forward.
Ok, so dream and memories of [E] aside (hardly an easy thing to say), ive been trying to push myself, talking to people, a girl at work specifically. Although my interest does not go beyond her looks and me just wanting to test my nerves (i’m not interested in her at all, but that shouldnt stop me from trying to be nice and speak to her – I won’t get any confidence not talking to people).
So i complimented a girl on her hair, said it looked nice, she said thank you and mentioned the effort it took her to keep doing it all the time. I said it paid off, because it always looked nice. She smiled, said thanks again, and I said no problem. then I said ok, well see you later, smiled and turned to walk away. That was where my confidence fell apart… She continued to walk the same way i was now heading, and we shared an awkward laugh at that unspoken fact. I said “ok, by then!” again, and pretty much power walked a few aisles down and away from her. I felt awful, and it was a total capitulation of the previous good work i’d put in to build some confidence by talking to someone i did not know. The embaressment of the entire situation was like a bubble that started to suffocate my mind. I simply grabbed what i wanted to buy and left as quick as my legs would walk. I hit the cold, fresh air and simply tried to put it out of my mind. I’ve not seen her since, but I shan’t say a thing. I feel like i’ve taken 2 steps forward, but 3 back.
It’s so frustrating!
On a similar yet slightly different note, I’ve made a couple of friends on Social Media. Only like-minded anxiety sufferers on instagram, but none-the-less they’re providing my mind proof that it’s not a singular experience. That many people suffer similar issues on a day to day basis. It’s nice to know, in a selfish kind of way, that i’m not on my own.
I mentioned my recent anxiety attack, which was not nice at all. Today, my first day in this week, was a little better. But only in so much as that I was able to reset my work place. I was back in my known area. I felt relatively safe when my manager was not around and could just get on with my job. Anxiety was high, i’m alert about doing even the smallest thing wrong – seeing as i am jumped on at the slightest mistake these days (my pleas for a lowering of pressure falling on ignorant/deaf ears).
I still go out in the evening, to the middle of the clifftop, and just stand there. It’s colder right now so my 30 minute outing has been cut to around 5-10 minutes. That said, they still serve their purpose. Release. Hope. Reality.
I’ve had compliments from the tutor of my writing course (i will try and say more about this in a separate post, but safe to say that i am progressing well and my stories have at least one fan! That’s a good start seeing as that fan is my course tutor! The compliments make me feel uncomfortable, and although they help me feel better about my writing ability, my anxiety is keeping me firmly rooted in the ground. A good/bad thing?
I’ve also discovered a huge trigger for memories of [E]. If i gently rub my fingers on my inner-hand/wrist i am almost instantly transported back to being with her. the sensation of when she used to do that is maddening. I find it troubling how easy my mind finds these triggers and can recall all the feelings/memories associated with them. The fingertips on my wrist is something i find myself doing when i’m trying to calm myself down from hiehgtened anxiety levels, but it’s a cache 22 – struggle with unbearable anxiety or sift through the memories/feelings the sensation of fingertips on my wrist bring… I know this sounds silly, i really do. But i cannot help how i feel or think. At least not right now!
Anyway. That chaotic post serves as a good journal summary for myself.
I am trying to get into a routine on here, of typing what i feel and think more often (in shorter easier to manage posts) but it’s hard to keep to that ideal consistently.
I will keep trying. I think it would help. Even if most of them end up being about [E]!
I leave you all with this hefty post, as i am off to get some sleep!
So, where do I begin?
These past few days have wreaked havoc on my calm. Anxiety has ruled me and broken me still.
But I’ve tried to ‘fight’ it, to stay calm and not let the anxiety take over. But it’s never as simple as that.
I’ve been trying to practice self-love; trying to keep the self-doubt at bay. But there are moments that just eat away from under my will. Like rot in an old wooden table; the moment I climb on top of it and feel safe, it gives way and I fall.
There were moments today when, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a familiar face, (E).
In those moments, for a split second, I hoped it was. My heart fluttered like it always used to. And then, like a glass of cold water hitting my face, reality hits. Hard. It’s not her, of course. And those butterflies, those ladybirds, fade. And a small, solemn, cloud fills my mental sky.
And the memory hits hard. As hard as the original fall.
I manage to fight off the tears from the pain these thoughts still cause. Knowing I’m not yet over things. The love is still fresh as ever in my heart and whilst I know it’s fruitless to feel such things, I cannot seem to ‘unfeel’ it.
So, I have to struggle through these moments. Trying incredibly hard not to become annoyed at me for feeling such things. To stem the flow of frustration for falling back into these thoughts.
Sometimes I do better than others, as one would imagine, but there are times when I fail so completely it is hard to explain. That nearly happened today…
I was on the bus (on my way home from work) and I slipped. I felt upset from all the anxiety felt during my shift. But there was a moment when I thought about my friend (K) telling me about her recent date, and all I could think about was a night I spent with (E) before she started her nursing placement. It is a memory full of emotion and whilst I can think about it now (I’ve got my guard up to stop too much emotion coming through), earlier I was vulnerable to my own thoughts and almost gave myself to this one.
I managed to snap out of it just in time. Tears already forming in my eyes. I tried no to be too harsh on myself but did I still felt so stupid. To let such a thought still affect me so much seemed seems so stupid. But I suppose that’s the point of the self-love. To teach me kindness and learn to love myself rather than hate myself.
I’m sure I’ll get there eventually but for now, I still have a way to go.
I didn’t go out for my walk tonight either. It was far too windy, and my normal walk might have been too dangerous. So I chose to stay in my warm bed and just relax (try to at least). I’m not really sure it was a success but I’m glad I didn’t go out tonight. It’s so violent out there…
Weather permitting I’ll go out tomorrow, but for now, I’ll settle for my lonely, warm bed.
I really, really, like this photo. I took it this morning on my way to work.
The colours are just amazing and the image came out alright on my phone (I often find some images like this come out a little lack-lustre). Every now and then, an image I take captures how I feel in that precise moment. Many have captured sadness, anxiety, pain, love.
But this one captured my positivity. It captured a rare smile. And every time
I look at it I find that smile, no matter how brief it lasts.
That’s what this image means to me.
In no way do these images do tonight’s fog/mist justice.
But I do thoroughly enjoy these evenings.
The unsettled yet eerily quiet atmosphere. The burst of light from a card headlamps as it bounces across the calm, oncoming waves.
I’m a little frustrated and tense right now, but out there, tears aside, i felt calm and relaxed. Sometimes you just need a little peace and quiet to hear yourself think.
Not always a good thing, but tonight I was in control – not my mind.
A small victory.
So. It’s crazy out there tonight. I didn’t stay out because it’s a little dangerous up on the usual walk. The wind is at about 45mph and the waves are crashing and the resulting splashes are hitting the hut on the cliff top (approximately 50ft above the beach)…
So, yeah, I can home early.
I shared a video on my instagram story earlier of some seagulls flying low and really close to me when I was out walking earlier.
You can see by the shakey camera footage that it was very windy then too.
The sound is off due to the horrid sound of the wind also.
Anyway, today, like the rest of this past week, has been pretty calming and except for a few little flashes I’ve managed to remain calm and collected. Anxiety has been a lesser than normal issue and when it has flared up I managed to contain and even (on a rare occasion or two) curb it and talk myself down.
However, the issue is I still find myself really low tonight. I put on a front for my family and friends, but the truth is inside I’m still in a lot of pain. I don’t like to spend all my time talking about it because I try not to dwell on it. To be honest I even forget about it for a little while, sometimes.
It’s just hard on nights like this,and Sundays are just incredibly lonely. They’re the epitome of the emptiness I now feel and whilst I try to fill my day with a plethora of things, they just don’t fill that gap.
That said, I am trying to focus on the good things I’ve accomplished this week. How I was able to speak to people more freely and the small amount of control i managed to hold over my anxiety and stress.
Hating to Love 