If I didn’t tell you – James TW

My brother played this on the way home today. And all I could do was think of her… The most important person in my life…

We went for a walk…

I am in a relationship. We are officially partners in crime (although we are yet to actually commit a crime…

Anyway, tonight we went for a walk after dinner at hers. We went for a walk along the beach and the local harbour.

It was wonderful. It was only a walk but the company and the area were perfect.

Positive post alert:

The past couple of days have been amazing. And no I’m not being dramatic.

Since we started talking again, things I and my friend have gone from strength to strength.

We’ve slowly built our friendship back up and relayed the trust we once had. Only this time it’s gone further than it did before.

We’ve been hanging out, talking on the phone, messaging, and I’ve been staying at her home the last 2 weekends.

We’re still taking it slow, at least we’re keeping things steady and making sure we’re both on the same page.

That’s working.

Further than that though, we are also learning about each other. Out flaws, are best features, and our insecurities (among other things).

This past weekend I stayed for 3 nights and came home today.

It was genuinely wonderful. We went out for the day, yesterday for example, and what started off as a less than perfect day, developed into a lovely day for us both. Including us having ice-cream by the harbour.

Literally a great day out.

But the best bit about this developing relationship? The talking.

We go for walks, we talk about ourselves, our pasts, our hopes, our fears. All the cliched things that help build trust between two people. And I loved every second of it!

She truly melts my heart, without trying, and further to that she’s adamant in that she likes me more than I like her.

Well, I don’t see how because I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. And the feeling I’m getting about this relationship is that its something special and will only get better as time goes on.

She already means more to me than anyone else I’ve ever known and, honestly, I can say I hope this (whatever it is) never ends.

Here’s a picture of the ice cream that I had by the harbour… Strawberries & cream, white chocolate (with fudge pieces)…

Smiling like a fool…

I haven’t smiled like this in a long time.

Things with my friend may be going slow (100% mutual consent) but they’re still going well.

We spoke for 4.5hrs last night, on the phone, something I don’t ever recall doing before, with anyone else.

And all it’s done is make me smile like a fool all day.

I’ve been struggling, up and down, with my anxiety this week and work has not helped.

So to wake up today, having had that wonderful conversation, and then feel pretty good about me anxiety-wise? Well, I don’t know how to describe other than to simply say that it’s nice!

I laughed and joked with a colleague today and noticed a change in how I felt towards a few different things. And that I was able to move my focus off of something that really annoyed me (management being rude once more) and turn it towards good, positive things!

It feels like a really nice, good day.

I walked my friend home and enjoyed the chilled air as we spoke about random stuff. It was nice to have that conversation and general company.

Even more so seeing as the person I was with is pretty awesome.

Anyway, I wanted to place this one good post in and just take today (and the phone conversation from last night) in a little.

I’m grateful for today. And for the fun and happiness i feel!

Equilibrium…

Ok, so I need to get this out of my head…

Things have been going really well with my friend. We’ve met a few times, more than a few in fact, and things just feel great.

She’s ok the same page as me: slow and steady, with intermittent spurts of going with it.

We both want things to work but don’t want to rush it. That’s sensible in my mind. Obviously, it is in hers too.

Last night I stayed at hers, it got late and I, quite honestly, didn’t want to leave her as she was snuggled up to me and was not feeling great.

Plus I really wanted to spend more time with her! That goes without saying!

I didn’t sleep well though, because I struggle in new environments. I did get a little bit of sleep but was mostly restless.

I don’t know if its the tiredness, or just over thinking, or maybe both?

But I’m scared I’ve done something to upset her or make her feel bad. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but something just felt off in my head, like I did something wrong.

Again, I can’t think of anything I did that was wrong. Maybe it’s just my anxious mind looking for things that are wrong because it feels familiar. Or maybe staying over eas pushing it too far.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m worried and until I hear her point of view? I’m going to keep worrying.

I hate this kind of anxiety. It feels crippling.

Hopefully, it’s just because we are both tired and that’s literally it. But I hope its nothing more.

I certainly hope I haven’t upset/annoyed/made her feel insecure.

I really like her, and maybe that’s scaring me too.

I just hope things work out. All too often they fall apart around now. Got to keep faith in that it is true to myself and hope she likes what she sees!

Crossing my fingers a little too hard…

Stemming fear, with gratitude…

I’m not very good at stemming fear. So when I wake up in a good mood I tend to automatically fear something is going to go wrong… I’ve been reading about practising gratitude recently, and whilst the idea seems alien to my anxious mind, there does seem to be something to it… So, today? I’m grateful for a lot of things.

– I’m grateful for my job, even though it’s not great or ideal, at least I have one.

– I’m grateful for my home, it may be far away from those care for, but it’s in a nice place that I like.

– I’m grateful for those around me that care about me.

– I’m grateful that there is someone in my life who, just by being them, makes me smile like a damn fool…

Just typing those words out make me smile. (Also someone just messaged me and that is making me smile stupidly too.) I guess I should do this more often when I feel scared – there’s no such thing as ‘too good to be true’ not when it comes to your mind.

There are just good things!

Your gaze won’t let me go…

Pretty as a flower,
Rustling in the breeze
My focus drawn toward you,
Your gaze won’t let me go,
The air is thick, the die is cast,
As the mist swarms all around,
The heavens open, sky so dark,
As rain hits ground beneath us,
Still, you’re here, gaze unbreaking
And my hand you take in yours,
As we walk across the fields,
And stroll on by the sea,
It does feel strange,
At first of course
But then we learn the ropes
Your hand is soft and gentle,
And your eyes?
They match my own,
So of we go, far and wide,
To search across the land,
For home, for shelter,
A private place to call our own.
Until then all i know:
Is my focus drawn toward you,
And your gaze won’t let me go.

Nervous reconnection…

So, how do I write this…

I’ve been struggling these last 6 months, both personally and with feelings that I didn’t want to feel.

With the help of my therapist and some serious thinking, I found the strength to set myself some boundaries.

I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but things are finally looking up both in my own mind and in general.

This past week I’ve stood up to someone, complained about them, had a meeting with both of my managers, and pushed myself past the edge of what I felt was possible.

If I combine all of that with how things are going with my friend right now? Well, it has been a bloody good week!

I have struggled for a while now, emotionally, but the distance that was created between me and my friend helped me come to terms with my own feelings and how I felt.

It allowed me some space and distance to really reflect on how I felt, what I wanted etc.

Once I got that sorted in my head, things seemed to click for me.

My friend came back into my life. And boy, did she come flying back in, in the best way.

We’ve spoken, got our feelings out in the open, spoke about what each of us wanted, and agreed… Friendship first everything else? If it’s meant to happen? It’ll happen.

And, where before I would be freaking out, worrying seems to be at a minimum in regards to things with her.

I still get fleeting moments of panic or worry, but they’re much easier to rationalise and talk myself down from.

I don’t know how or why it’s like this, but I feel so comfortable when I’m around her. Even when we message, I don’t panic about responses. I can take the time I need before responding and when she takes her time? I do not panic at all.

It’s surreal and it feels too good to be true, to be on the same page as someone. I’m just trying my best to enjoy it and have fun. I’m also just happy being myself with her, which I know helps so much with being comfortable.

We had a lovely day, yesterday, and we spoke, walked, chilled, laughed, ate, and simply got to know each other some more. It was fantastic.

Basically, we’re getting back to being close and both seem to feel the same. I’m not rushing things in my head, or for real. And I’ve never felt so happy being in this situation

It’s nice.

Anyway, its been a while since I last posted and that was because I needed to work on myself refocus things.

Going forward im not going to force myself to write on here or Instagram. But I will post as and when I need to. I just needed to take the pressure of myself.

Speak soon. Maybe…

All that you’ve torn asunder…

And through it all,
I really want to care,
And call you friend,
But this pains not fair.

So away from you I must walk,
As hard as it may feel,
And put distance between us,
So my heart you cannot steal.

I thought the very world of you,
A port floating in the storm,
My closest friend of that I’m sure,
But now I do but wonder,

If you know just how I feel,
This pain your actions cause,
For now I bear these painful scars,
All that you’ve torn asunder

Overwhelmed and misunderstood…

Emotions.

Sometimes they can overwhelm and seriously suck.

And it’s hard to just snap out of a particular emotion.

I care about people a lot. Not just those I have romantic emotions for, but also friends and even, to some degree, people I don’t know.

This isn’t a boast, it’s just a fact. I use deeply. Unfortunately, it means I also hurt deeply.

I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. All I can hope is that the people that matter understand me. Or at least are willing to try.

I take things personally not because I think everything is about me, but because I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I don’t deserve happiness because in not a good person.

That’s a pile of shit. I know that. But it doesn’t make it easier to believe.

It’s not so much about being depressed, or low, or even miserable, it’s about trying to change the way my mind works.

I’ve made huge strides over the past year or so, specifically the last few months. Mostly with the support of my friends.

However, when things go wrong or change? They cause upset and it feels like the ground is shaking beneath me.

I start to panic and lose some of the control I’ve managed to build.

It’s even worse when the closest friend in your life seems so far removed from what they once were.

Little things hurt like daggers in the chest and trying to come to terms with a change in the friendship (that wasn’t instigated by me, but unfortunately condoned) is very difficult.

When I care about people and they do things that hurt me? It isn’t easy to not take it personally. I give everything to my friends and when it feels like they don’t even care? It breaks my heart.

Boundary setting is high on my agenda, but when fear of people leaving you drives your anxiety – the worry that people hate you and dislike you, is so overwhelmingly strong that it’s hard not to take the smallest little thing personally.

I go out of my way to see things from other peoples points of views. Just once id like someone to at least try and see things from mine.

I have 3 days off work and a therapist appointment Tuesday. I’m even hoping ill get to see a friend for a coffee at some point. With luck, that will happen and my mind can ease in general.

Maybe I’ll be able to get a few of those boundaries built. Or at least start on their foundations…

I’m crossing my fingers a little…