When it rains…

It pours.

At least that’s how the saying goes…

I really felt like I needed the walk tonight. I needed to let out some pent up anxiety, some overwhelming emotions. I’m not ashamed to admit it today; I need a good cry.

But fate, or luck, is against me. It’s absolutely tipping it down out there tonight. I attempted to go out after all a little rain never hurt anyone. However, as I reached the end of the road and turned onto the beach facing road? It became very clear that I would not make it to the shelter on the cliff without becoming drenched. I’d rather not get ill as well as feel like this so I turned on the spot and headed home. I’ll have to settle for holding it in a little longer and letting it all out tonight when I go to sleep.

I know it’s not healthy to keep this locked up, it hurts and the longer I leave it the worse it becomes, but crying in front of my family only leaves me open to ridicule and makes my mother worry. She’s in the hospital right now and the last thing I need her to do is worry about me.

I hate feeling like this, because It’s like a vicious spiral. When I’m down it’s like trying to go through life underwater. Everything is so much harder. Even simple, everyday things like walking. 

I was having a relatively bad day today. I was having trouble stopping myself from overthinking. Well, it’s complicated because I never really stop it but I can, on occasion, distract myself. I had difficulty with that today. everything led back to (E). Or at least something that happened between us. I need to figure out a way to stop that because it is doing my head in. I can be thinking about anything and it’ll lead back to something I’m insecure about. When I try and find a positive thing to combat that negative thought my brain almost automatically thinks back to something that really made me believe the positive…. Unfortunately, that is almost always something (E) said to me. Because the most recent thing that made me feel like I didn’t care about what I was insecure about was her.

It’s hard because it makes me smile. But the minute I start thinking about when it happened I can feel my mind slipping. So I have to try and stop it and in doing so, I become frustrated. It’s something I need to work on – being more positive but kinder to myself. My counsellor said I should not be annoyed that I catch myself – I should, instead, be happy that I even know I’m doing it. Even more so when I catch it and stop it successfully.

Anyway, something nice did happen at work today. Something I want to share because it’s important how little things affect people in ways you might not realise…

I’m a nervous person. And I am very anxious around people I do not know very well.

There’s a girl at my work, she’s friends with my friend (K) and I’ve occasionally said hello to her and her boyfriend, she seems nice but I don’t really know her well enough to speak to her – I just feel awkward and don’t really know what to say. So I don’t say anything. I just keep to myself.

Anyway, she came up to me earlier and asked if I went to the London Comicon often? We had a brief chat about it, and how I went last year but I’m not too bothered about making it an annual thing (i just didn’t enjoy it enough). She told me she only asked because she had an all-weekend pass going spare and wondered if I wanted it. I very politely declined as I was not going this year but thanked her for thinking of me and offering.

It really made me smile, it also made me feel more at ease around her. It might sound silly but when someone says something like that, a nicety that is genuine, it just helps me feel more at ease around them. I can’t see myself opening up and telling her my life story or having a long deep conversation with her, but at least I won’t feel so awkward when talking to her in general now. It’s nice to feel that relaxation.

A silly thing to mention but it was a nice moment in an otherwise stressful/anxious emotionally hard day…

Anyway, i’ve droned on far longer than i’d planned… I think i should sleep. 2 more shifts and i get some time to myself, away from work!

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