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Today was a half day…

Today was an odd day. 

I woke up, with a little help from my alarms, quickly enough. But my bus was 20 minutes late, making me late for work. 

Stress inducing to say the least. Calming techniques helped a little but then, after getting to work, i saw all the extra work i had to do as well as my job, and that just increased my anxiety.

It was made worse by having no one there that could help me feel calm. So i had to try and calm myself and not let things unsettle me even more. Easier said than done. 

I did have the pleasure of leaving early for a half day. Which helped my anxiety calm, massively. 

What worries me a little, is the fact that my thoughts about (E) have been increasingly invasive. I was coping well enough for a while but my mind finds it all to easy to think of her. It drives me a little crazy in an odd way. 

The same thing that used to help me enjoy my thoughts of her is now making it really hard to get her off my mind.

I need to let it go. I get that. But the hard truth is that i still care for her beyond reason. I have every reason to stop. But my mind is stuck in a holding pattern and my heart wont let it leave. 

I have to believe I’ll get there, to a place where i can feel better and feel a little more at peace with these thoughts. Like i said the other night. 

I am still yet to share my relatively recent dream about (E). I will aim to do so in a post over the next week. I keep having flashes from that dream. I need to get those thoughts out of my head. Just for a little piece of mind! 

Anyway, i now have a few days off before my last stint prior to my holiday. I intend to do some writing (not sure when or what yet) and also chill a little. 

Until next time. 

Matches

“How are you on my mind? You’re not even talking to me.”

Words echo through my mind. 

Like whispers in the night. 

I know i shouldn’t follow them.

I try my best to ignore them. 

But they’re enticing.

Deep down they’re what i want to hear…

After last night’s fiasco with the chasing bees, tonight’s calm, overcast view is very, very welcome. 
I’ve been in an incredible irritated mood all day and can’t seem to kick it. 

A good hug would be nice! But i shall not hold my breath. It’s at times like this that i miss the sheer presence of someone. Just the company of someone special. “And it was said unto the man, i offered you a love. I never said it would be easy. Or fair…” 

The sunlight flickering off the onrushing tidal waves. A view i never tire of – even if you lot might. 

I have a fondness for the ocean.  Not so much being in it as looking at it and appreciating it’s rarity. 

It has a calming yet daunting sense about it. These past few days have been filled with tears and hopelessness. That has calmed a little yesterday and today, but that sinking feeling is still very much there.

The ocean is always there and it’s on nights like last night i need this view to keep me calm and stop the anxiety, frustration, and other feelings overwhelming me. 

There are days when i think im doing ok. But im just tricking myself. I try to ignore the negatives but sometimes they just creep up on me.

I stood and watched these waves roll in just now, and for a few moments i felt truly calm and relaxed. A huge step in the right direction.

But in those moments, i found my self crying. Not sobbing or hysterical, just tears rolling down my face. Uncontrolled, uncontained, uncontested.

In moments like these im not sure how i feel or why my body acts like it does. 

It’s really hard, facing how I feel, still. 

I’m going to level with you, with myself.

I want to get this out of my system. To shout how I feel out, let it out. But something is stopping me. I don’t know if it’s the fear of how it will make me feel going over it, or whether the lack of support, right now, might mean I falter and, again, I’m fearful of what that means for my emotions.

It all comes down to me being scared about digging these feelings up. I don’t want to fall into a spiral, I don’t want to undo all this hard work I’ve done in trying to calm my over-thinking mind.

I’ve done well to realise how much I do overthink as well as the fact that I don’t have to just live with it. My counsellor helped me see that I had tools available to help me calm my overactive mind and relax a bit more. All I needed was some willpower.

I’m doing ok, in that, i’m able to understand when I’m overthinking. To realise that the line of thought I’m having is negative, or one of overthinking, is a huge win for me.

It’s difficult to talk myself out of a spiral, a process that gets harder the further into the spiral I am. Whilst it is difficult I have to try and not double tap myself with the negativity when I discover i’m overthinking.

I’m still a long way off being able to go over what I feel in any detail. Purely because I do not want to fall. I want to be able to face it, because maybe then I could move on a little. Or at least feel a little better about myself – something I could certainly do with.

I can be as honest with myself as I dare. But all it does is have me go over things that are no real use – unless I want to cause myself pain. Which I don’t.

The fact of the matter is that (E) made me feel spectacular. She made me feel happy like nothing else mattered in this world. As long as she was there, I could cope with anything. I did, and very much still do, Love her.

I don’t like saying that, or thinking it because all it does is upset me. It also has a tendency to set off my anxiety. Which is not as odd as it might sound. Seeing her always made me nervous/anxious, but always in the best way. That awesome feeling in your chest that let you know that the person you see before is incredibly special…

All the positivity from how it was is now transformed into a negative form of those same emotions. And it sucks. Walking past someone or seeing someone from a distance and them having the slightest resemblance to (E) – the feelings that bubble up, that threaten to take over, they’re overwhelming.

I walked home on a walk the other night, and a young couple were on a date, sitting on the bench I’d just been sitting on. The girl, from a distance (and behind), had a similar haircut to what I remembered (E) having. It was a cruel trick for my eyes to play on me, but instantly I saw her in my mind. Her smiling at me. 

It’s a horrible, torturous, thing for my mind to do. But it’s something that is not particularly new. I’ve managed it quite well but, it is sometimes very hard to combat.

The truth is I want it back. And part of me always will.

I’ve accepted things are over and that it won’t ever be how it was but it doesn’t stop my heart wanting what it wants. I suppose all I can do right now is continue through my days and try to get to a point where it becomes background noise – or at least reach a place where I can deal with it all better.

It’s harder than it seems.

I still feel so terribly guilty for ignoring her accidental messages a few weeks back. The temptation to look at them, to reply or message her, it’s unbearable. But I keep away because all it will do is open the wound – right now I do not see that having any pros for me. just a bunch of horrible feelings and pain – all cons.

I wake up every day and check my phone for messages, not specifically from her, although I do always hope there is one. It’s an odd feeling – wanting, more than anything, to see someone you love, but at the same time not wanting to see them because it would just hurt too much (as things currently stand)…

I am trying to get past this negativity and focus on trying to build some confidence, something I lack, and try to keep it.

My question is this: How do I build confidence when I do not believe anything I say to myself? It’s hard to build that when you feel so low.

I’ll continue with what I’m doing, working on being more positive. Try to spend some time healing myself. And try to be as selfish (in a good way) as is needed.

I know this post is not quite the emotional revelation I promised, but as you can probably tell, I am finding it difficult to deal with everything and right now I don’t feel that comfortable sharing everything – in truth I don’t yet feel I could word it that succinctly either.

I’ll try and work my way to a position where I can open up and share the true depth of my feelings but, in the meantime, i’ll just need to carry on working through it all.

I know I’ll get there and if I have to, I’ll carry this love to my grave. I don’t regret a single thing – feeling what I feel, even now, is worth it. She is worth it.

I wish it was as cool as it looks out here tonight. Aside from the stuffiness, my anxiety, and feeling on edge right now, the view is pretty amazing. 

No matter how many times i look at this beach (with the ocean receding) it always looks so alien to me. Something about the calm waves and the black chalk reef i think.

Deep breaths.

I cant stop thinking about her today. Everywhere I’ve looked my mind has found something to lead my thoughts back to her cuteness. Her pretty face.

I want to let it all out. How i feel, what i feel. But i have no one i can do it with. I just want someone to listen. I have a week off coming up (in about 2 weeks time – ish).

I might be meeting up with a friend then. Maybe we can help each other out. She’s having a tough time too. A problem shared is a problem halved right? 

Anyway, tonight the view does look like an alien landscape. And whilst it’s not far enoigh away from my own life for good measure, it’ll do to let me escape, mentally. For now at least…

I know i said i was trying to work up to sharing how i feel right now on here. Truth is im not sure im ready just yet. I still cant write the words without crying. I’ll try again sunday and early next week and see what i end up with. No promises – to you readers or myself.

Goodnight all. 

The sun is bright tonight. It’s glare blocking out the several windsurfers that make up some of the view i see tonight. 

I’m struggling with anxiety right now. It’s not lowering and it scares me. 

I have a conversation with my manager tomorrow which is causing the anxiety i already have, for reasons already documented on this blog (several times over), to flare up even more. It’s incredibly hard to deal with.

The clouds tonight are diffusing the sun, making it appear much bigger than it should. The ocean is also a pretty hue of blue once again (2/2 so far)…

Whilst the sun stays the same, day in day out, the clouds are always different. 

They make this view seem brand new every night. 

If only i could find that feeling within myself. 8 1/2 months ago i felt reborn. Like i was able to become the real, happy, me. Now i feel lost. And it’s taking forever to find myself. 

This sunset feels like an anchor. It stops me from being swept away by all the emotions and feelings i’m going through. 

You cant see it in this image, but the ocean looks so blue tonight. I wish it always looked this pretty… 

Frustration, anger, annoyance, disappointment – I’ve felt all these things today. Unfortunately they were all directed at myself. 

Everytime i falter i try to remember the words my counsellor drilled into me: 

“Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with respect. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. If you wouldn’t say it to someone else, why would you say it to yourself?”

Wise words. Words i try to speak loudly in my mind on days like today. But truth be told, it’s easier said than done…