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Working through the day.

Take each day as they come.

Take the lows, the highs, and try to work through them all.

Try to get to the end of each day and have something nice to say about yourself

Something that makes you smile just before you sleep.

Just before you put your head to rest on that pillow,

the one that’s been calling your name all day.

Then, once the dreams have come, tortured, and left once more,

then you must get up and do it all over again.

Get through the day. Get to the end.

Sleep. Dream. Wake. Suffer. Repeat.


This may seem like a cynical, negative way to see things. It probably is.

But sometimes it’s hard to see a positive spin. even though there are probably plenty of them floating about.

I bury my head in my writing, trying to throw all of this emotion, all of these feelings, onto a piece of paper. hoping that there, at least, some happiness can flourish.

I suffer every day, at the hands of my own mind, via anxiety, overthinking, and frustration (among other things).

I feel the love that filled me with joy give way to the pain of it having nowhere to go.

I do not want to feel it anymore because there is no reciprocation. But still, it festers and fills my heart. I still think fondly of [E]; rightly, or wrongly. It doesn’t really matter anymore. my mind is stuck on thoughts of her.

And seeing her everywhere in the faces and actions of others leads down the path to memories I adore. To her, whom I adore.

Take each day as it comes they say. Time is a great healer. It will get easier. You’ll get there one day.

They say all of those things. But they mean nothing.

If she can move on and be with someone else, why can I not simply let go?

I still carry these feelings for her, and although they weigh me down, I bare that weight with a painful smile. My back may break, but I’ll still be carrying that which is important to me.

Until my heart and mind can bring themselves to let me let it go.

Maybe that will be soon. Maybe it won’t.

Either way, I’ll take each day as it comes. And try to just get through the day.

Make it to my pillow, and prepare myself for the next.

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Dreams, and other things that hurt me.

My heart hurts a lot today 😥

I think I said about [E] being on my mind a lot these past few weeks. How it’s been hard to think about much else. Worrying about seeing her or just simply missing her. It gets complicated that’s for sure. End of it all, I miss her.

I think about her all the time. But sometimes the thoughts get louder and the feelings and memories get stirred up more than usual.

Anyway, when I go through these moments, they usually culminate in me being upset and frustrated at the feelings I still have for her. Because shes moved on. And I haven’t found a way to do that myself. I’ve tried accepting that this is just how I feel but it’s extremely difficult to pull off.

Worse yet, these stirred up feelings and memories can lead to dreams. Really vivid dreams.

I know I’ve spoken of other dreams but here’s how the latest one went…

It started with my family at the dining table. In a house I was not familiar with.

I turn to my left, my brother and mother are there. When I turn to the right, [E] is there. She smiles at me. And we laugh at something.

She takes my hand. And we leave the table to talk. I’m happy. But the reality seeps in, confusing me. She smiles but part of me knows it’s not real.

She leaves the room, but not before asking me to go say hello to her mother. Apparently, I’d been putting it off.

I leave and go to another room and stare out of the window. I have a can of drink in my hand for some reason. All I can feel is the dread of having to speak to her mother. It’s a horrid feeling.

But I gather the courage and go to see her. She’s in the kitchen.

She greets me. She’s nice. She always was. But she stops what she’s doing. Looks me dead in the eye and simply asks “why did you come? Why did you ask to be here?”

I was taken back by the comment initially, but I replied with the truth “I didn’t ask, I was invited.”

She smiles at me and says something about friends. I reply with something along the lines of “she is my friend.” There was more but I cannot remember the specifics.

I remember looking for [E] again. But I couldn’t find her.

I woke up during my search. As i lay there, wide awake, that dream was as vivid as any memory I have. Her voice, that smile, even the feel of her hand in mine, it all felt so real.

Is my brain messed up to still make me dream of such things? Is my heart so broken that all it can do is wish for these things to be true?

I feel as though something is wrong with me. Because I’m still there. Living these feelings.

I know that the plethora of raw feelings hitting me wave after wave will subside somewhat. But I also know they’ll be back sometime soon. Dealing with this is harder than I ever imagined.

But it is what it is. I’m trying to accept these feelings as they are but I also don’t want to feel them anymore. She doesn’t feel them so why should I?

I keep going for my walks in the hope that one night I’ll go there and not cry at the thought of how much I miss her. But it is yet to happen.

Feelings, memories, thoughts, love, and frustration…

Ive been a little too focused on my frustrations lately. They are mainly work related but some of them are still of a personal nature.

If being frustrated for long periods has taught me anything these past few months it’s that frustration has a burning nature able to help take my focus off of thoughts and feelings that make me sad.

Granted it is not the best way to deal with it because being frustrated also makes me sad. But there have been a few days where I’ve gone quite a while without thinking about [E]. Not a whole day, but sometimes a few hours at a time. I’ve been very frustrated in those moments and my focus is totally directed towards the foundation of the frustration.

Frustration, frustration, frustration. Bored of that word yet? I know I am.

Problem I find with this method of coping is two fold: being frustrated is exhausting, and so is fighting the self-negativity/trying to be confident.

Add these all together and what happens when I leave work? Yup; all those thoughts, memories, and feelings kick in the door I’ve had shut all day and overwhelm me.

I get upset, self conscious, sad, and yeah, you guessed it: even more frustrated.

It’s hard to deal with it all at once.

I suppose what I’m trying to lead onto is that these thoughts and memories are strong and very much overwhelming.

When I have thoughts or memories about [E] they’re not inherently sad. They’re happy. I remember almost everything about our time together. More vividly I remember her. And these thoughts are so inexplicably happy. I don’t mean to exxagerate but theyre the happiest memories I have.

And therein lies the problem: they’re the happiest, most joyful, and loving memories and thoughts. Filled with all the adjoining feelings.

But they’re no longer reality. And that swings my mood quite dramatically from the instant little splash of joy and glee, and sends it spiralling into sadness. I’m still upset its over. That’s why I’ve not had contact with her. Not because I don’t like her, but because it would be too difficult – knowing she no longer feels the same.

But over and over in my head all I can think about is her, and how she is, what she’s up too. What she’s doing in life. You cant just switch off caring.

And it could be reasonably argued that i have a habit of caring too much.

Heres the thing: the happier the thoughts and memories make me, the sadder i feel. And she still makes me smile profusely.

Word of the day: Frustration.

Frustration:

1the feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something.

“Tears of frustration rolled down her cheeks”

2 – the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfilment of something.

“the frustration of their wishes”

A pit of frustration…

Mood right now :/

I feel really low tonight. I’m sitting at home because my writing class has a week off and as I think about all the writing I’ve not done on my few days off, I actually start to hate myself.
I love writing. It makes me happy. But finding time free from distraction and interruption (at home) is incredibly difficult. I’d go out to a cafe or library but my anxiety makes it impossible to get my head in the right frame of mind.
I feel so frustrated all the time. And the writing class was the perfect escape.
It’s only one week off but I can feel myself getting attached to the routine of going already. It’s probably not that healthy but sitting here and not knowing what to do or how to get out of this low place is so scary and frustrating. It’s upsetting.
I’m trying to put my head down and do something. But it is hard. So bloody hard.

This frustration breaks down my walls and all of the overwhelming feelings and memories flood in to fill the void.

And I get even more upset. It’s times like this that I regret everything I’ve done up to this point. When everything feels hopeless.

Im about to go out for my walk with the hope of returning and getting at least a little bit of writing done.

Hopefully I can clear out all these darn memories/feelings!

Lying awake…

I’m lying awake right now, at 01:36am. I should be asleep but my brain just will not shut off.

It feels like a hurricane is sweeping through my mind right now.

It’s uprooting all of the trees (my feelings) and throwing them at the barn doors (my face).

Needless to say the barn is not faring well!

I’m wide awake pondering questions like: What is she doing these days? Is she thinking of me? Why did it happen? What was the point? And many many more.

I went out for a walk tonight and after the bells rang out for 9pm i turned around to walk home and just for a split second i thought, maybe – just maybe – she’d be there.

Dammit, my mind is racing tonight. And i just cannot clear it. I can see [E] as if she’s right here with me and its driving me mad because all i want is for it to be true.

Hopefully my mind will quiet and I’ll get some sleep soon. Here’s hoping I can wake up tomorrow and try again.

I’ll just be leaving this here…

Today is the end of a pretty messed up and difficult week for me, mentally.

On my way home tonight my brother (who kindly gave me a lift back with him) drove a different way home (traffic works) and we drove a way I’ve not been since i was with [E].

I feel silly for things like this still affecting me but she’s been on my mind so much this week. We drove past her place of work and my heart jumped for joy at the thought of her. But it also sank.

It’s so hard being up and down but it happens so instantly i rarely have control over it.

Anyway, i have a few days off this week and my writing class has a week break. So i have plenty of time to finish my short story and try to start my personal project.

In the meantime im going to leave this song right here; it came on during my journey home. Perfect timing/dumb luck. Not sure which one applies.

How do i say it?

So, my manager wants to talk to me tomorrow.

Which would be fine. If i knew how to say what i want to say.

Last week we spoke briefly about a couple of things. One of which was about a restructuring (it doesn’t really affect my job role but its required communication on their behalf so i understand whats going on) and another was about me not doing something when i was meant to.

Now. I will explain the latter because its one of the things that’s contributed to tomorrows conversation.

I’m not a very confrontational person. If forced to, i can stand up for myself (mostly) but i actively seek to avoid confrontation. I’m a fixer, not a fighter.

I’m not naive enough to believe i can go through life without confrontation but the thought of it keeps me up at night and i genuinely fear a falling out that drags on. I don’t tend to hold a grudge but people in general (at least in my experience) do. And it gets messy and unnecessarily stressful for me.

That said, last week my manager told me that i didn’t do something.

Shes right i didn’t do it. But only because it was already done.

When i said as much the complaint then changed to “yes well you didn’t come around and do it through.”

My response: “i did come round to do it. But it was already done when i got there…”

I was annoyed that this was even an issue as its something I’ve never failed to do before and felt like unnecessary picking. And completely pointless (almost as if they wanted anything just so they could moan).

That sort of environment makes it a very nasty place to be. Always expecting an unnecessary comment.

My manager knows about my anxiety and overthinking (and worrying) as we’ve spoken extensively about it in the past.

This was just one of a few things recently.

Another comment made was about my dwindled passion for my job role. I have a nobody job role. I’m a general assistant (although due to my department i do have some department specific training).

My point is there’s not much room for ‘passion’ and whilst i started the job role happily (3 years ago) the novelty of a new role has worn off. There’s no intellectual stimulus and i feel like doing my job role is simply bunting my brain and talent for more.

I don’t want to rise up the ranks as the company (more accurately the immediate superiors) expect far more than that which you get paid for.

So I’m stuck. There’s little to no opportunity for change in the current job market and it is, simply put, depressing.

Anyway, there is no passion for my job. And that passion, or what there was of it, has been chipped away by the lack of action/motivation on both my managers and team leaders side of things.

I’ve gone to them several times with issues. Problems that needed fixing. Little niggles that need a quiet word from them to rectify and the response is either ‘deal with it yourself’ or ‘that’s, not a big deal don’t worry about it.’

It’s frustrating because the things they then moan at me for are usually less of an issue than the things i bring up.

I suppose the point I’m making with this post is this: how do i tell my manager that the issue is not me. Is it them?

Without turning it into an unnecessary confrontation and making the next few months (if not longer) more of an issue?

I know i should just be honest. But its scary and i do not think on my feet very well. If a question is thrown at me I’ll fail to respond to it but think of a valid response after. If i was a little more confident in myself i think i could do it. But you don’t just develop confidence overnight.

I’ve been trying for years. And I’m not much further along than when i started…

A little bit low this week…

Taken about 4/5 days ago. No filter.

This is a bit of a low week in regards to my mental state. I won’t lie, I’m struggling to keep my head up.
I am trying to keep myself steady but the truth is I’m basically fighting a losing battle. This week at least.
My mind keeps drifting back to memories, mostly sparked by the odd word or phrase and on occasion by the situation or setting (a smell in the air, mist on a cold night, the sea roaring in the background).

This takes its toll on me, mentally, because i often find myself taking second looks at people because the smallest resemblance is like a big old neon sign screaming ‘is this her?’

I try to look away and put my mind on something else but there’s only so many of these ‘signs’ you can ignore before you give in. And once that happens it’s like the brain worm causing them has you in its pocket.

I get upset because I’m too hard on myself, usually about how I’m not hard enough on myself, and i struggle to keep a hold of my emotions (which leads to me getting upset a lot).
It’s totally exhausting and although i like posting on here, Instagram, and writing in general, i simply find myself too tired and low to have the motivation to do so.

Hence the lack of activity on here this week. I want to post more. Share more. But, quite frankly, i can’t be bothered.
Hopefully i can pull myself out of this hole in the coming days. That would be nice…

Writing Class (and stirred up thoughts)…

So, I have a few things to get out tonight, and in future I’ll try to spread them over several smaller posts (instead of one large, hard to follow post).

Anyway, I’ll start with my writing class…

I went this Tuesday (like every week) and it went ok, I can feel myself slowly building the confidence to share my opinions and initiate discussions sometimes. It’s a slow road but I feel safe there. Especially when we discuss the structure of stories and I really enjoy the time i spend just writing.

When I’m there I feel that the expectation of me to write something allows my mind to really get into the art. I can put my head down, look at the idea inducing references (whether they be short sentences, words, or pictures), and just write. I let the ideas flow and write what my brain and heart allow.

I’m coming up with some interesting ideas and I’ve got a lot more writing done since I started this course than I have done in the past 2 years combined. Which is a great improvement, especially when anxiety makes meeting with groups of people harder than it might normally be. I suppose the ability to turn off from the room im in and the people around me to just write whats in my mind probably helps alleviate the worst parts of the anxiety.

I’m nearly finished on an original short story (The Search for Beatrice Heartgrave) about two brothers and how one’s weakness becomes his strength. It’s a fantasy/sci-fi story set in a medieval style era. And it’s a story I’m really excited about; not least because, as I’ve written more and more of it, I’ve decided to tweak my original plan and have it develop into an intriguing magical/extra-dimensional world set in this rather old-fashioned medieval era. It’s got my creative juices flowing so to speak!

I’m really enjoying it and loving the fact that I chose a course I could attend, in person, instead of a work-from-home course. If only because, as stated above, being there makes me feel like writing an actually makes me want to write. I also feel being out of my own home really helps as it gets me away from any major distractions (like Netflix/Xbox/Books/Comics/Films/etc.)

I like that it is slowly helping me build my confidence in groups as well. I struggle so much these days when it comes to confidence. Truth be told I still have little (if any) confidence in myself either as a writer or as an actual person. But that is something I am really trying to work on.

I had a bit of a cross-over with some intense memories during this weeks’ writing-prompt exercise.

We were given 3 prompts. Each had a beginning and an ending, I simply had to come up with 6 things that occur between the two points and see how the story develops compared to some literary structures we were shown (man in a hole, boy meets girl, etc.)

One of these prompts was the following: Girl & boy fall in love at a supermarket, they adopt a tiger.

Beginning: Girl & boy fall in love in a supermarket.

Ending: they adopt a tiger.

My job was to come up with 6 steps that took them from one moment to the other.

The problem I had was simple: Girl & Boy fall in love in a supermarket. It was like a bright light in my eyes.

The moment my brain read that it was like a school yard moment where my brain decided to shake the words at my heart like it was a bully dangling my bag over my head.

That is to say it was teasing me rotten with simple words. I read those words and instantly I thought of that moment I saw [E] way back when we first started talking. It was like a sudden shot of adrenaline decided to turn on all the associated feelings and that memory burned itself into my mind.

Tears welled up because I wanted to work, to write something but all I could think about was her walking towards me with that red/white striped jumper and the bashful shade of rose that filled her cheeks when I said hello. I, I can still see it as if it was yesterday.

I tried to bury it and think about something else, anything else. I got lost in a supermarket once, I tried to focus on that and try to use that emotion as a focus, a way of pulling myself out of one memory and into another.

But I was not strong enough.

I sat there, staring at the paper, anxiety setting in, tears welling up. I did not want this room of strangers to see me cry. To judge me, to think I was a loser. It was the most horrible sudden anxiety overwhelm I’d had in a while.

I put my head in my hands, panicking that I was not going to be able to write something, I spiralled a little and it was inexplicably difficult. I decided to just face it. I took the emotions and try to hold them in. I managed not to shed any tears and after about 5 minutes I managed to calm myself down as the initial overwhelming emotions settled a little.

I took some deep breaths and eventually got something written down for another of the examples.

I moved passed that moment the best I could and managed to engage a little even though I felt deflated and anxious the rest of the night.

It’s tough and moments like this scare the hell out of me more than anything right now. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want it to ruin the things I love doing.

That said, I showed myself I can handle it in that environment and whilst it doesn’t make it easier in the moment, it does make it easier when I’m there and calm. Which, whilst not ideal, does give me some hope for future classes…

Writing my heart out..

I’m off on my way this week writing a class. I’ve almost finished a short story i started two weeks ago, which is outstanding for my recent level of production.

I’m going to start on another this week and hopefully get some more ideas tonight.
I’ve been a little lacking in my posts for this blog and it’s been through fear of going over the same old emotions.

I wanted to give myself (and anyone reading this blog) a few days break. With me returning to work tomorrow i imagine those feelings will be a lot harder to bury.

I miss my walk, my peaceful amble through the night, but i replace it with a personal progress.

In my writing at least.
In the meantime, i will attempt to keep anxiety at bay by trying to breathe and push through the struggles that come with travelling so far by myself brings.