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Falling backwards

Today has been pretty poor. I’ve felt anxious (mainly my own self-destructive doing) and uncomfortable all day.

There was a moment today where a car pulled up as i walked to work. It was the same model as (E)’s and although i knew it wasn’t her, as i heard the person get out, i still turned to look. Just in case.

I told myself to not do it and keep walking. Even if it was her, it would only hurt. But the minute i heard the door open my heart took over my head and made me turn to look.

Of course it wasn’t her and i felt so stupid. And frustrated that i gave in to such conflict. I thought i was better than that.

Every time i think negatively I’ve tried to stop, and reflect with a positive comment.

But i still don’t believe myself and there’s this mental block about believing anything positive.

I tried so hard today and got nowhere fast. It’s frustrating and i don’t know what I’m meant to do to get it right. I know im good at a lot of things, but right now i feel so useless.

Time passes me by

It’s been a while. I would like to say it’s because things have been good. But that would be a lie.

I’ve not written a post because they stopped helping. They started making things worse because I was just going over some painful things too much.

So, I took a step back from the blog. I hoped space would help clear my head. It didn’t.

I’ve been going for my evening walks, which have come to be some well-needed respite from my days. When I have work I find that I’m simply too burnt out to process any thoughts and the walks help me calm myself and process things better, at the very least I can cry – letting things out – and start fresh. The sunsets have been stunning too – so there’s that!

I’ve been trying to continue the improvements I was enjoying in regards to my over thinking and negativity.

Honestly, I do not feel I’ve done that well. That’s probably a negative comment and part of my problem. But the truth is whilst sometimes I catch myself, all too often I find myself dwelling on negative comments or thoughts when I should just be focusing on something else, or letting things go.

To be totally honest, I still feel so very lost. Before all this, I was oblivious to how I was treating myself so poorly. Now I’m aware, it’s frustrating that I feel so little improvement.

Frustration leads me to get upset and it becomes that vicious circle I mentioned in previous posts.

So, I am not doing that well in regards to negativity, overthinking, and my overall confidence/anxiety levels.

That aside, I am struggling to let my feelings go and try to move forwards. I can go some days without hurting. Where my mind is busy and focused on other things (I’ve even done some writing). But there are moments, when I slow down to take stock, have a break, or simply just chill, and they hurt. In these moments I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of (E). I find myself dwelling on any number of situations that will probably never happen. But the painful thoughts are the ones that flash into my mind (and dreams) as they seem to stun me. I have a random thought and before I know it I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and I’m recalling a time we had or something she said. And she keeps popping up in my dreams. A face in the crowd, a person I’m meeting etc.

She’s still a very important person to me. One my heart is truly struggling to let go of.

That really is painful. I know I need to let it go and whilst I have no idea of how one does that, I am having good moments occasionally. When they occur I’m doing my best to hold onto them for as long as possible. I’m planning on going back to counselling as soon as i’m able – i’m currently waiting for some sessions and will be chasing them up. They helped me understand issues i never knew i had last time, taking some more (even if i have to pay for them) will hopefully help me improve myself.

In other news, I’ve sorted out my finances a little, freeing up a lot more expendable income per month. I’m saving most of it and hopefully, that can be used to help me enjoy myself a little more. I’ve lowered any financial concerns i may have had and at the same time allowed myself the option of saving a substantial amount more per month.

That’s a positive indeed. And it’s what i plan on ending this disjointed and probably chaotic, post with! That, and this image of a pretty purple flower i saw the other night whilst out walking!

Maybe the reason why…

Maybe it’s because this place makes me feel so deeply. 

Maybe it’s because here i can feel so many emotions.

Emotions I’d come to enjoy. 

Maybe these tears are because the memories attached to those feelings still hurt. 

Whatever it is, all i know is that this image does no glory to the colour of this captivating sunset. 

Truly, it’s nature’s effortless romance, burning bright.

Storm on the horizonĀ 

It’s raining. Finally.

I hate this overly hot weather. It’s horrible and makes me tense up something rotten.

The storm is here. And its raining so hard. 

And you know what? I’m still going out. Im going to put my big coat on and just enjoy it. I’ve not enjoyed a walk in the rain for a while. 

I hope to see some thunder and lightning but I’ll settle for the lack of people this rain will result in šŸ™‚

I cant wait. 8.30pm – 9pm will be a perfect time to chill. Or maybe just to cry in peace.

Alone is a place I visit a lot…

Feeling alone. Loneliness.

I imagine a lot of people know the feeling.

We’ve all had that feeling at some point or another.

This past 6 months or so, I’veĀ felt more alone than I thought it possible to feel.

I have been trying to push myself and talk things through with people. I even got in contact with an old friend.

But this past week, even with my family around me, I have felt so unbearablyĀ alone.

I know it’s something I have to try and work through butĀ it’s one thing knowing I have to be kinder to myself as well as being more positive in general and it’s another thing completely to enact those thoughts.

I’m still struggling with believing my own positive thoughts and allowing them to take control. I still feel useless, worthless and in general a waste of space.

I’ve had someone tell me recently that I’m a really nice person, that my sensitivity and emotions make me a great person. Yet my instant thought in retaliation is that I do not feel that way. That if IĀ was all those things, then maybe I’dĀ not be alone right now.

I know that line of thought is poisonous and extremely dangerous to my own sense of self. But how do I combat them when they’re so instantaneous? So automatic? The counsellor I was seeing said it would take time but I have to keep being positive and, when I am negative, letting it all go and try to move on in a positive manner.

It sounds so easy when I type it, but anyone who’s read my previous posts will know I’veĀ been saying this to myself, on here and in person, for a long time now.

The truth is I do not feel better, I feel slightly less pain towards the breakup and a little less pain when I think about (E), but I still feel all these emotions – all this love – for her.

A colleague, who I managed to open up to a little bit, told me something that’s been on my mind. I opened up and told her that I’dĀ been lying to people when they asked if I’d got over (E) yet. I told them I was – so I didn’t have to face the truth: I so obviously not over her.

She simply said to me: “Why do you have to be over it?”

“Sometimes we just have to live with these things, you might never be over her, but it doesn’t mean you have to never like someone else. You’ll get there, I know you will”

Wow, just thinking about this and typing it all, has my heart going. My anxiety is flaring just thinking about all I this.Ā The thoughts of (E) certainly help these flare ups seem more intense.

Like I said before, I loved being able to feel what I feel. I like that the emotions I never thought I could, or would, feel are now something I have no struggle in feeling. But the truth is it’s overwhelming. When things don’t work out how do you find a way forward?

When every thought that leads back to a painful memory or conflicting emotion, where do you turn your gaze? Do meditation and mindfulness exercises really help defend against these things?

I suppose it’s something I need to look into a bit more.

Until then I will look forward to my evening walks and try to use them as much as possible.

I have 2 more days off and I will try to enjoy them as much as possible.

I just hope she’s doing okĀ – whether I should be hoping that or not.

I wish i could show you what i see…

I really wish i had the power to let people see what i see as if they were looking through my own eyes. 

I wish i could make people feel the things i feel as if they were in my head. 

That’s why i love writing so much. 

I’m not sure if i can really do what i want to. But i wish i could. 

I wish you could feel the things I’m feeling right now. 

I wish i could show you what i see, everytime i see a sunset or suffer a torturous dream.

I wish you could see inside my heart, my soul, my mind, and simply understand whats going on. Understand the conflict within me.

Because i dont understand it fully, nor do i know how to vocalise my feelings. I can list feelings, emotions, but i cannot fully describe that which i feel.

I wish i had the power to show you what i see and i really wish i had the power to show you what i feel.

I guess that’s not how life works. But i still wish i could do all those things. 

Ironic sadness…

Above, is one of the best photos I’ve ever taken. And by that i mean it’s one of my favourites. If not *the* favourite. 

I find it a little ironic that I’ve taken this photo, one that makes me smile, on a night i feel so sad.

I’ve not been upset like this in quite a few days. It’s like every time i think about how much better im doing i self destruct and end up getting upset. 

I suppose it’s just how things go. A process to work through. I guess we don’t think about how much things affect us until they overwhelm us.

I’m now, officially, on my week off. Although technically I’ve been off since Sunday.

I am getting through it ok but there have been some quite hard moments. 

I think this week off has come at the perfect time too. Things were getting a little overwhelming at work and i just felt like i was going around in circles. 

I still feel a little like that, but the anxiety of being in that building is not there right now. Which is a huge plus.

It’s replaced by a heightened sense of anxiety about going out but i am trying to fight that by going out at least for my evening walks as well as going into town for lunch.

Im trying to build some sort of confidence and looked at some meditation apps today. Hopefully i can use them to help me become less focused on the past and future, and simply be in the present. Something i really do struggle with.

Anyway, here’s a photo from tonight’s walk to go with my favourite photo (above).

I will hope for the rest of my week off (i dont go back to work until next Wednesday) to be chilled and full of writing!

Maybe a little company from somewhere, anywhere, if im lucky. Although i shan’t be holding my breath!

I caught an episode of ‘new girl’ today. I remembered watching it and enjoying it when it first came out. It’s come a long way since i stopped watching it. But then i saw a scene that reminded me that i stopped watching it because it just felt too real. In the sense that it was a little sad and upsetting.

I turned it over because what was said really hit a nerve and upset me. Stupid really, i know, but silly little things are still quite painful. 

Maybe one day they won’t hurt so much. Or maybe they always will. Either way? I hope i can keep going with the progress I’m making. I just need to put aside all these thoughts about (E) and stop seeing her everywhere!

There are times when i wonder why i bother coming out here. Why i dont just bury my head in my pillow and just try to wish all the negativity away.

Truth is, if i did that, I’d miss this glorious view. Every night offers the chance for a new sunset. No two are ever the same.

That and it’s finally high tide šŸ˜

You have to find the romance in that fact do you not? 

It certainly speaks to me…

All i want…

The sound of my evening was like a calming blanket. The waves breaking relax my soul, my heart, and allow my mind to slow.

On a night like tonight that calming sensation is needed. 

Anxiety caused by overthinking stupid scenarios and hearing songs that hit me hard. I sleep now with a sorrowful heart aiming to wake up and start again tomorrow! 

After all, i have some writing to do….

“I just want someone to take my hand and lead me to somewhere beautiful”

Short but very, very sweet…

How can someone make such an impression on you in such a short time?

How can someone come along and make you feel so at ease that you just let yourself be free and go with the flow?

I’m not an open person and I don’t have a close knit of friends. I’ve not been very good at opening up and yet there still seems to have been someone who came along and just broke down any defences I built up.

I’m so unreservedly thankful for the short time I was able to feel that sort of connection, I certainly would not change anything that I said or did. I was myself and felt that I could show that to someone. Imperfections and all.

The hard bit is the abundance of emotion I know feel all the time. I feel so overwhelmed. I’m slowly getting it under control but there are days, like today, where nothing I do can take my mind off of (E). These days occur more often than I’ll admit and it’s hard to hide the effect she still has on my days.

I cannot even begin to put into words the conflict that rages in my heart and mind when I want to see her so very much, but know it will only hurt so also wish I don’t.

Every single time I think of her my heart still flutters, just before it sinks. It’s a vicious circle.

I always worry about all the little things and my overthinking means I’ve often gone through an astonishing amount of scenarios before I decide to do anything. there are several times a day where my brain goes into overdrive and just burns itself out overthinking stupid, made up scenarios. I’ve tried to note these moments, as they happen, and let them go. I try to drag my mind to the present moment and whilst I’m less successful than I’d like to be, I am slowly getting better at it. It’s just days like today, where nothing seems to work, are so hard to get through.

I’m not saying all this for any sort of sympathy, I know there are hundreds & thousands of people (if not more) that are suffering the same right as I type that.

I share this because I needed to get it out of my head. As an added effect, anyone else reading this and going through a similar situation can realise they’re not alone.