Please note: all images are my own (as usual) and are from my trip to Almeria, Spain. They may seem out of place but they’re a metaphor for how I currently feel. They are also joyous and sad memories (they’re also beautiful too).
I often feel that no matter how well I do, I’m always on the edge of a cliff. Never too far from slipping into the recesses of my own mind. I fear if I ever did that I’d lose any progress I’d made in the past couple of years and probably never get out again.
That fear is often paralyzing. It makes me stand so still. Because if I do not move, I cannot slip.
This is all a metaphor, of course, there is no cliff and there is no danger of falling prey if I move forward with the confidence I should have. I’m an intelligent person, I know that most of the time I’m able to see things from an unbiased point of view, and usually from both sides of an argument.
I should be more confident than I am. I’m a skilled person, I can be poetic, romantic, but I’m always genuine and never do I betray myself for the sake of others. I am a nice, kind-hearted person.
But these things are all meaningless to my own mind. I do not feel confident in these things. I know there are people who are more intelligent or more skilled, kinder, and understanding. And thus I feel like I have no right to feel confident in these things.
I worry that any confidence I do show will come across as arrogance. A trait I do not naturally possess but fear people would mistake me for having. These fears stop me from being the person I want to be and I have no real clue as to how I get around them.
I was working with my counsellor to understand how I think/feel things and how I automatically let these negative thoughts roam free within the depths of my mind. I have done for a great many years. Trying to change the direction of a needle from negative to positive is the most eluding thing I’ve come across. I do not understand how I can do it. I do not feel like I can do it.
I know these are just the negative thoughts holding on and that I’m allowing them too much fuel and time. But I do not understand how I can stop them. Even with the tools given to me by my counsellor I find it incredibly hard to stop certain thoughts.
They know my own mind better than I do and it’s a battle I have no idea how to fight.
A prime example of this is the memories/thoughts I have involving [E]. it’s been nearly a year now, and I still have moments where I find myself thinking about how much she means to me. How much I miss her, or how much I wish I could see her and just be around her.
I often dream of her and even more often I find myself thinking about times we met up and spent together. The feel of her skin when we held hands, the smell of her breath when we kissed. I can remember it all. And it kills me.
Most days I can get by and shake the thoughts away, focus on something else, and move forward and not let these thoughts/memories get to me.
But sometimes, especially when I’m having a tough day (or things have gotten particularly overwhelming), these thoughts wash over me like an incoming tidal force. I have a thought about her, maybe it’s a smell that triggers a memory of her, or the sight of the giant reindeer I see, lit up with Christmas lights, every night I walk home from work. I acknowledge the thought and try to replace it with another, the thought of the next Marvel film, or I try to scour the passing faces for ideas about a character in my short stories.
As I already said, on a good day this method works. But during times I feel overwhelmed, tired, stressed, anxious, or frustrated, these thoughts gradually become stronger.
I may be able to get past the first one. Maybe the second too. But they are relentless. As if my own mind knows that it’s just a matter of time. One after another memories pepper my resolve. Every one of them forcing me closer to tears than the last. Tortured by my own mind. It sucks.
I think the fact that these memories are a mixture of joy and sadness is what ultimately gets to me. Because the conflict of emotion is so tiresome that eventually my brain gives in and allows my heart to take the emotional strain. That’s when the tears start. Because these thoughts are nice, they’re beautiful, but they’re painful too.
I wish nothing more than to have that feeling back, of loving someone so completely. And having it returned. But more than that, I want that feeling back with [E]. I bury these thoughts because to allow my mind to dwell on them is unhealthy. I need to feel confidence and strength that is mine. And not rely on someone else. I know that when I’m ready I can be strong and know that happiness is what I can create in my own mind. And when I get there, if I get there, then I can be happy with someone else. I hope that person ends up being [E]. But I know it most likely won’t be. And that’s arguably the saddest thought I could ever have.
Wow, ok, so this is a long post. I think I should stop it there, and maybe think about what it is I’ve said and also calm my own thoughts down. Thank you for reading, especially seeing as this is a long post. I appreciate your readership and of course any comments left (as long as they’re not negative) are always appreciated! Until next time, thank you for reading.