The following piece is the emotional piece I mentioned in my previous post.
I am incredibly nervous about putting something like this up, as it’s both deeply personal and also something I’m proud of.
I’ve rewritten it a couple of times to turn it into a more flowing piece. However, I am a perfectionist and still feel I could improve it.
After a few days of tweaking, i am happy enough to share it with anyone who reads this blog. It is a piece about how I felt one-night last week. I opened myself up and just went with where my feelings and thoughts took me.
I find it makes for a rather emotional piece and, honestly, I really think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written (although I’m biased)…
I stand here upon the bluff, gazing out into the darkness of the night sky.
As I stare off into the distance my gaze is drawn towards the cacophony of flickering red lights, noting the position of the wind turbines spinning their steel hands through the air.
They’re a stark contrast to the flickering silver orbs of burning gas, light years above my head.
I look up at those very silver orbs and close my eyes, just for a moment, it’s right then that the sounds hit me. All at once.
The roaring melody of the encroaching English Channel, waves crashing and clawing their way up the silicon-grained plateau beneath my feet. There’s a faint scent of warm seaweed in the air.
A bike in the background, the mechanical whirr of its gears fills the air, like a hundred June bugs taking off all at once.
As I instinctively turn my head towards the now passing bicycle, I hear a low rumble, the wind picks up and whistles through the drying summer reeds that now grow on the mounds beside me.
As the rumble moves closer, the wind slows and I realise it was a motor vehicle, a car or van I’m not sure.
As the low rumble continues towards where I stand, it begins to overtake the sound of the bicycles whirr. The fuel guzzling vehicle speeds past me, I see its darkened silhouette pass between the gaps in the hedges, not twenty metres from where I stand.
The rumble of the vehicle’s engine passes along with the car and a few seconds later I can no longer hear it over the volume of the crashing waves.
With the roar of each breaking wave, I feel slightly more at home in my own skin.
It’s an odd sensation and difficult to explain but my breathing steadies and my mind calms. The spinning cogs, fuelled by my overthinking brain, are drowned out by the natural ferocity of the ocean as it takes back the land it lost just eight hours prior.
Just as my mind is reaching the pinnacle of its calm stillness; a thunderous sound erupts. As if out of nowhere it barrels right into my calm mind, stirring up all the chaos I’d just about managed to quieten. At first, it felt like thunder, from a distance, but after a second or two, my mind rebounds and I realise it’s simply a plane passing by overhead.
The sound of the jet-engine buffers me like the waves buffer the shore below. I open my eyes out of shock more than anything else and my heart rate spikes just a little. The sound’s immediate volume dies off as the plane passes by.
The volume of the crashing waves once again begins to fill my mind, as if they are having their volume turned up slowly. I can barely see the foam-topped breakers as they crash down onto the sandy beach.
It sounds chaotic but the dragging sound, caused by the water receding immediately after the waves break, helps steady my heart rate and calm my mind once more.
So, I sit here, eyes closed. I allow the sounds of the waves to wash over me as if I were laying at their tidal line.
I lose track of time and just enjoy this natural orchestra of oceanic sound.
My eyes closed, my mind open, my soul at peace, it is just for a moment, but it seems like a lifetime.
Like being woken from a deep sleep by a cup of cold water to the face, I hear a sobering sound. It cuts through me cleaner, deeper, than any knife known to mankind could…
Her voice. The words echo in my mind like a bad joke “Hey there”.
It’s like someone has put headphones on me and is slowly turning the sound up to eleven.
Her voice shakes me to the core as it reverberates around the chasm of my mind.
The tears start to flow as I turn to face the direction of her voice… As the tears navigate their way down my face, using the outline of my nose, her face becomes clear.
Like she had emerged from the mists of my very soul.
Right before my very eyes. She shows a coy, hesitant smile but her eyes betray her intent. She feels the way I do right now, only she is hiding it much better than I ever could. She takes a step towards me, and everything around me fades into the background.
The roaring ocean no longer makes a sound, as if muted by remote, and the dark green of the grass under the night sky fades completely to black.
Everything ceased to be, it was as if we were the only two people left in the world and we’d found one another.
Every single step she takes towards me makes my bones shudder as if I was being shaken vigorously. Her voice still echoing throughout my mind.
She’s right in front of me now. This beauty of an angel stands before me her auburn-brown hair flowing gently as if there is a gentle breeze that I cannot feel, her arms outstretched reaching for me and her coy eyes penetrating my very soul.
I try to keep my grasp on reality strong but it is no good; Her eyes have me. I’m completely lost in them. I’m hers and I cannot fight it. I don’t want to fight it.
It’s like she is a powerful gravity well, a purpose-built tool meant for one thing: to consume my heart. Her sheer presence in front of me cracks the hardened shell encasing my now weeping heart.
She extends her hand further towards me and I find myself extending mine in response. I want this so much. As her fingertips glance my own, an explosion of emotion shreds through my arm like a ballistic force.
She sees my reaction and grabs onto my hand to stop me from pulling back from the pain. The feeling becomes more intense, but I grasp her arm gently in reply, this moment is worth every single nerve being set ablaze.
Without any visible queue, she moves in closer and locks my eyes to hers as she pushes her head into my chest.
My arm instinctively moves to her waist, holding her tightly but gently. Please don’t go. As if she hears my very thoughts, she wraps her own arms around my waist and squeezes with great care.
My chest moistens, she’s crying too; “I miss you, so much” she whispers to me. “I… miss you too…” I manage to choke the words through my own tears. We stand there, holding on to each other for dear life. If we don’t let go, we won’t lose each other.
I raise my other hand and caress the back of her head, my fingertips running through her hair.
She pushes her head into my chest so hard I almost step backwards for balance.
As she pushes herself closer, as if she wants to never let go, the whole scene gives way to the loudest sound I’ve ever heard.
So loud is the sound that my mind feels like it’s being electrocuted by all the electricity known to man. Shattering the moment, as if it were warm glass cooling too quickly.
The bells of the nearby church continue to ring out in some overly loud collection of chimes.
I’ve never heard it so loud before but as I try to hold onto the angel before me, I look down at where she stands. Stood. She stands there no more.
Vanishing into thin air, her voice still whispering on the breeze that now buffers my open jumper. I look around in panic, she was real; I heard her, saw her, smelled her.
But now she’s gone, again.
My eyes realise this before I do and they release the flood of salt-rich water that had been building up there all this time.
As the bells stop their disorientating bellowing, the sound of the ocean crashing onto the sandy shore beneath my feet fills my senses once again. I close my eyes, but all that does is aid the release of more tears.
I use the cotton-soft sleeve of my jumper to dry my now damp cheeks. I take one last look at the spot upon which we stood together, not seconds before.
I turn to walk away, my heart bleeding out with every step I take. Slashed open by whatever it was I just experienced. A vision? A memory? A dream?
A departing blow that feels fatal, like the very end of me. I concede defeat and, as I take one last look back at the now empty spot, I smile.
The same sad smile that now adorns my face like some sick trophy; on display for everyone to see.
It fools them all of course.
Everyone but me.