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Still there is hope.

As daylight lingers

Like a gown across the stars

My heart torn open, gushing,

That stunning crimson red,

And there within that viscous flow

My hope just sits and dies.

Or so i thought

As tears flow down

To join the crimsom tide

There it is, my hope,

Alone it dares to wake

But what a wonder

For all to see

As there it rests

Upon a fragile ocean.

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Feeling a bit low tonight…

I’m feeling low tonight. It’s been getting worse this past week, not entirely sure of the reason why. Maybe its the weather warming up and maybe its because the sunsets are coming back. I love a sunset and I’m blessed to live in a coastal area that offers such beautiful ones.
However, they also bring back some negative thoughts, based in my own self-esteem and confidence issues. That, doubled with my overthinking and sensitivity means all those feelings I had this time last year, are coming back through memories.
I’m trying to distinguish between current and past emotions but the line is thin, because I still feel the ones I’m remembering. To say I’m confused and overwhelmed, is to understate how I feel, overall, right now… And it sucks.

That said, theres a pretty stunning display by the moon and a possible planet. Seen here in my photo (its night so might look a little blurry)… I’m going to let some tears free and hope to unburden my mind somewhat… *crossed fingers*

Anxious all over again…

The anxiety is real!
its only been 2 weeks since my last creative writing course. But it feels like a year. I’ve had so much going on in my head that it just feels such a long time ago.
I’m excited, I love writing and this course has helped me get more consistent and also given me some great ideas!
But with that excitement comes anxiety.
A whole list of things has been made by my mind and every one of them an anxiety-inducing hurdle.
– the bus timetable has changed slightly.
This causes me anxiety because they’ve changed. But also it causes me to worry about going to work next week. Which in turn makes me worry about work next week.
– am I going to be any good?
– will it matter that I’ve not done much writing since the last class?
– what if there are lots of people there?
– will I be late because of the new bus route/timetable?
– its warmer weather, which means I sweat more (anxiety makes me sweat more too) this makes me incredibly self-conscious.
So I wear a hoodie. Which makes me sweat even more.
– why do I feel anxious about this?

On top of all these, I feel guilty, for not writing much and for not finishing my short story.
I feel self-conscious because of the anxiety.
And also because of my sweating. It’s not bad but enough for me to notice.
I feel scared about new people and whether they judge me or don’t understand my need to be a little shy and withdrawn.
Head = kaleidoscopic in a blender.

Trying to share more

It’s been a while and I’m not happy about that. But I’m only posting when I feel it is more helpful than hindering.

That’s become a little harder to pinpoint this past couple of months.
I’ve been having trouble at work relating to my anxiety and how I’m being treated. I won’t day more than that, but I will say that it has, and still is, causing me some serious issues.

These issues bleed into my personal life and affect my moods and also how hard my anxiety hits.

The constant overthinking, worrying, and sheer paranoia about the people around me (including friends and family) is overwhelming and I constantly wonder if what I say or do is correct/right/acceptable…

Silly things to worry about of course. But as always it’s not as easy as ‘just not worrying about it’…

Anyway. I am halfway through a 2-week break from work, and my anxiety levels have dropped significantly, enough for me to notice.

Which is a small victory?

At least for now.

I know I keep saying I will try to write on here more, but all the while my head is screwed up like it has been the past couple months its hard to face the words. I think I need to be a bit harder on myself to actually write something. Because all the while I’m not writing it I’m not facing it.

I’m going to try again to write more, at least this time I aim to carry that idea through…

Happiness vs Sadness.

I’m terrible, i know. Whenever i say I’m going to start posting, or that i will post soon, i end up going silent. I don’t really know exactly why. But i know I’m having a tough few weeks again. Stress at my work is draining me and when i get in, intent on writing, i just feel shattered. So i am intending to write on here, but i just go blank and can’t seem to get any thoughts down. So i go silent… Well here is a post.

And, when the next week of work is out of the way, i get to enjoy 2 whole weeks off. Hopefully, i can try and catch this blog up to where i am mentally…

Until then…

I laughed the other day. For the first time in a long time. Months in fact. Its difficult to remember the precise reason why. Other than it was a conversation with a friend I feel pretty comfortable talking with. A small win on both fronts.
Thing is, with happiness at least, it is always fleeting. I knew it wouldn’t last. And it didn’t. I know that may sound negative, but i feel its just being realistic. I knew at some point i would think about something, or see something that would trigger a painful memory. And when that happened i knew it would win. I was too drained to fight them off and so i when it happened, and it did, i felt the feelings. All the love and good times, but also all of the pain and the sadness that now came as a secondary wave.

I tried to accept it and let it go, but instead of leaving, the sadness seems to build up and just slosh about on my inside. Causing tears and an acute awareness that I’m crying and that people can see me. Before I knew it anxiety took over and enveloped me.

I got home and tried to relax, went for a walk, let out the tears and some of the emotion, and finally came home to crash out in a worn out and drained manner that is all too common these days… I am trying. Its just hard when i feel like I’m running in empty all the time. All of my efforts are being used to seem ‘normal’ at work. Trying my hardest to be the smiley me everyone knows, just so i don’t get asked “what’s wrong with you, you don’t smile anymore’ because that just crumbles me.
One day at a time…

A brief summary of the past few weeks…

The past few weeks have felt so chaotic. Not in the sense of having a lot going in, but in the sense that my head has simply been all over the place.

I’ve been meaning to write a summary post for a few weeks now, but i just get so bogged down with anxiety and feeling low that i struggle to get anything coherent down.

i say a few weeks, i had a dream about [E] a few weeks ago, nothing since, but she has been on my mind almost non-stop, still.

The dream itself was harmless, in so much that it was just a memory blended with seeing her again in the future. it was upsetting because i miss her a lot, but also because it felt a little too real. That said, i’ve not had another one since so i’ve managed to try and push past it a little. I still think about her all the time, little things here and there remind me of her. The bench we sat on during out second date, the smell of her perfume, her room. Silly little things that just stop me in my tracks. They’re a little jarring, and can be painful, tear-inducing, but they’re just thoughts. It’s easy to say that whilst i type this, it’s certainly not easy when it happens out of the blue – surprise scents are a huge hurdle and cause some serious memory flashes, pro tip there for anyone going forward.

Ok, so dream and memories of [E] aside (hardly an easy thing to say), ive been trying to push myself, talking to people, a girl at work specifically. Although my interest does not go beyond her looks and me just wanting to test my nerves (i’m not interested in her at all, but that shouldnt stop me from trying to be nice and speak to her – I won’t get any confidence not talking to people).

So i complimented a girl on her hair, said it looked nice, she said thank you and mentioned the effort it took her to keep doing it all the time. I said it paid off, because it always looked nice. She smiled, said thanks again, and I said no problem. then I said ok, well see you later, smiled and turned to walk away. That was where my confidence fell apart… She continued to walk the same way i was now heading, and we shared an awkward laugh at that unspoken fact. I said “ok, by then!” again, and pretty much power walked a few aisles down and away from her. I felt awful, and it was a total capitulation of the previous good work i’d put in to build some confidence by talking to someone i did not know. The embaressment of the entire situation was like a bubble that started to suffocate my mind. I simply grabbed what i wanted to buy and left as quick as my legs would walk. I hit the cold, fresh air and simply tried to put it out of my mind. I’ve not seen her since, but I shan’t say a thing. I feel like i’ve taken 2 steps forward, but 3 back.

It’s so frustrating!

On a similar yet slightly different note, I’ve made a couple of friends on Social Media. Only like-minded anxiety sufferers on instagram, but none-the-less they’re providing my mind proof that it’s not a singular experience. That many people suffer similar issues on a day to day basis. It’s nice to know, in a selfish kind of way, that i’m not on my own.

I mentioned my recent anxiety attack, which was not nice at all. Today, my first day in this week, was a little better. But only in so much as that I was able to reset my work place. I was back in my known area. I felt relatively safe when my manager was not around and could just get on with my job. Anxiety was high, i’m alert about doing even the smallest thing wrong – seeing as i am jumped on at the slightest mistake these days (my pleas for a lowering of pressure falling on ignorant/deaf ears).

I still go out in the evening, to the middle of the clifftop, and just stand there. It’s colder right now so my 30 minute outing has been cut to around 5-10 minutes. That said, they still serve their purpose. Release. Hope. Reality.

I’ve had compliments from the tutor of my writing course (i will try and say more about this in a separate post, but safe to say that i am progressing well and my stories have at least one fan! That’s a good start seeing as that fan is my course tutor! The compliments make me feel uncomfortable, and although they help me feel better about my writing ability, my anxiety is keeping me firmly rooted in the ground. A good/bad thing?

I’ve also discovered a huge trigger for memories of [E]. If i gently rub my fingers on my inner-hand/wrist i am almost instantly transported back to being with her. the sensation of when she used to do that is maddening. I find it troubling how easy my mind finds these triggers and can recall all the feelings/memories associated with them. The fingertips on my wrist is something i find myself doing when i’m trying to calm myself down from hiehgtened anxiety levels, but it’s a cache 22 – struggle with unbearable anxiety or sift through the memories/feelings the sensation of fingertips on my wrist bring… I know this sounds silly, i really do. But i cannot help how i feel or think. At least not right now!

Anyway. That chaotic post serves as a good journal summary for myself.

I am trying to get into a routine on here, of typing what i feel and think more often (in shorter easier to manage posts) but it’s hard to keep to that ideal consistently.

I will keep trying. I think it would help. Even if most of them end up being about [E]!

I leave you all with this hefty post, as i am off to get some sleep!

Be quiet, nerves…

I’m about to leave for my writing course…

Today has been an ok day, but my days off have been marred by worry and anxiety caused by my work. Just the thought of ‘work’ raises my heart rate, I can feel the nerves increase too.

Its horrid and even more frustrating knowing that no matter what I say to people at work, nothing changes and no understanding given.

I hope this changes soon.

In the meantime, I have to try and focus on the present. I enjoy my writing class and hopefully, I can focus on that and enjoying my creative outlet. Maybe I’ll come up with some characters or even a new short story idea!

That anthology won’t wrote itself after all!

Anxiety Attack…

So, I just had one.
Ive always managed to calm myself down, with breathing techniques and focusing on other tasks working wonders. Today however, they did nothing to stem the waves hitting my thoughts.

I worried I was going to do something wrong, anxious because things dont seem to be changing no matter how much I talk to my senior managers (nothing has come from at least 3 conversations with me, and my manager, not to mention a 4th conversation between another manager and mine).

Anyway, the anxiety built and built. Worries about my work and any mistakes slowly took hold. After a little while I started to worry about how people saw me. How silly I must have looked crying my eyes out as I speedily walked off the shop floor. I made it to the locker room, my hand shaking violently and panic in full swing.

“I’m sick of feeling like this.” I kept thinking. But I couldn’t think or breathe my way out of it.

I know its not silly to cry. In fact its natural. But I feel so vulnerable and dont like doing it in front of people because they all look at you and judge you. So I feel silly. Which upsets me further.

I’m almost calm now, 1hr later. But my arm is still full of pins and needles. And my head full of worry.

3 days off work. And dont I just need them!

Frustration is, well, frustrating…

I have been a little more introverted on here recently. Not because i don’t want to post, but because trying to find the words is just too much most days.
Instead it builds up and I expell every thought at once. Usually incoherently. Hopefully this post is readable.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. It’s still going on, to be honest. I’m in the process of getting some counselling sessions back up and running simply because I feel like I’m drowning in frustration and the anxiety caused by it (and vice versa).

I’ve been practising calm-breathing techniques and trying to be as kind to myself as possible. But, quite frankly, I’m annoyed at how anxious I feel.

The simple-mindedness of some people annoys the hell out of me too. If you don’t understand what I’m feeling you don’t get to tell me the best way to deal with what I’m feeling ‘you should be better by now, just stop thinking about it’ is not helpful. It’s hurtful and shows a lack of actuallu caring about me.

I go out of my way to help people, to understand their P.O.V. and yet no one returns the favour. So I’m trying to stop caring so much. But its not in my nature and thus is a hard and frustrating thing to do.

When people think you’re playing up to the idea of anxiety and depression it hurts. When they day it begind your back but are nice to your face? It hurts even more. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I would certainly never wish feeling half of what I feel on anyone.
It’s frustrating and I know I shouldnt care. But I do. And I don’t know how to stop caring!

Let it snow…

I hate my mind.

I’m not just saying that out of heightened emotion; I truly detest the way it works.

At the moment at least.

I used to enjoy the analytical side of things, the relatively good memory. It served me well. But now, now all I seem to be doing is remembering things that make me sad.

The snow is incredibly pretty, a white blanket over all the dirt and rubbish, something clean, new, but fleeting. I thought going out in it would be fine, my mind would focus on the moments I had out there, the snow settled on the grass, the ice pooling in the roads, the blizzard-like weather that I walked through by the beach, all of these things should have helped bring my mind into the now. Into the current moments.

At first, it worked. It was nice, I smiled even without realising it.

But it slowly became harder to keep my mind at the moment. I cannot pinpoint where exactly I started to go off-road, but once I was off, I could not find my way back again.

I stood by the front on my way home, shivering in the cold, snow-laden winds, and all my mind could think about was [E]. Her being there would have meant the world. Still.

Is that sad, pathetic, or wrong?

Or worse, does it mean my head is a complete mess? My therapist told me before that I should not bother with unknowns, questions of ‘why’, ‘if’, and to avoid the word ‘but’ at all costs. But it is very hard to kick automatic thoughts.

I was told to accept thoughts into my mind and just let them drift off again. As if it was a mental exercise akin to playing a video game. I struggle to understand how to do this. When I think of [E] I do so fondly, because I still feel for her more than I’d care to currently admit to anyone. I have tried to let these thoughts in, and then simply ‘let them go’ as if they were balloons.

That doesn’t seem to work. How do I do that? I think about her, no matter how small the thought starts, and before I know it, it has snowballed into this magnificent mound of thoughts, feelings, and memories that both bring me joy and sadness in equal measure.

Joy from the memories, because they are, in all honesty, the best memories I have, full stop. But therein lies the sadness: they’re memories, from the past and not current in any form. It’s upsetting because these thoughts lead me down a path of self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, self-loathing, and eventually tears. Not always in that specific order, i might add.

It is tough, but I try to push past them and sometimes I can pull myself through the muddied thoughts, able to smile and enjoy things after. Other times, I dwell too long and feel trapped, when I come out of the hard moments I struggle to keep my anxiety under control because I worry about what people will think of me for still thinking of her. For still caring so much. I feel silly when people ask me how I am doing and I want to answer truthfully, but the fear of their response stops me dead. So, I nod and say “I’m OK, thank you”… I shoot them a fake smile, as confident as I can muster. I hate myself for lying but its easier than facing their looks of disgust or annoyance if I were to say the truth: “I still care about [E] so much. And it’s eating me up inside”…

It’s been over a year since things ended, and I still think about her every day. I wish I’d been stronger and more able to talk to her afterwards. To stay friends and at least have that with her. But the truth is it would have been like stabbing my own heart over and over whenever I saw her with him. I don’t think I’d have been able to do that.

Walking away from it all was easier it seemed, but I still hurt now, and think of her all the time. I sit here and question my every thought. Every choice I made. And it is so bloody frustrating. I know I should not let it get to me so much, but when coping techniques fail and I have to ride it out, its tough.

It doesn’t help when everyone at work is so tense and I pick up and feed off it all. Trying to cut the ‘caring so much about other people’ out of my life is one of the hardest things to do.

Hearing supposed friends say things behind my back that hurts and compounds the loneliness which makes me hate being at work even more than normal. So 4 of my 7 days are spent in a place I dislike, among people I dislike (most of them at least) and when I shut off and shut down, they look at me as if I’m attention seeking or faking it (‘being dramatic‘ one person called it) not one of them has taken the time to ask me about it or talk to me about it and I just want to be left alone at this point. It might not help my situation that much, but being silent and just trying to get through the day is much easier and less painful than pulling people up everytime they do something hurtful…

Sensitive and in pain. People just don’t get it. And, for the most part, are unwilling to try and understand either.