Uneasy days suck…

Some days are easy.

Some days are not.

Today is difficult. Because I’m alone at home and all I want is to spend time with my girlfriend.

Shes gone to work, and was a bit moody this morning. Whether it’s because shes tired, at work, without me, or anything else, who knows. But my stupid insecurities make me think it’s me.

She said I shouldnt stay over wednesdays anymore. I got a bit upset. Because I like spending time with her. But she finds it hard when I leave for home after work on Thursdays.

I’d happily stay over thursdays, but I love at home still and have a my family I need to spend time with too. I try to balance them both, my family and love life, and feel that my love life gets more from me (and rightly so because I want it that way).

But it’s difficult when she says thing like this. She said she was just joking. And was adamant it was a joke. But I am not sure it was. It wasn’t a very nice joke. Because it made me feel like she didn’t want to see me anymore.

And now its left me a little confused. Did she say it was a joke because it was in fact a joke? Or does she feel bad she upset me and is trying to make me feel better?

Who knows.

Yeah, not being able to live together right away is frustrating. But things take time right? I want to live with her, but cant just move out of my parents whilst they rely on me for rent money. It’s hard.

All I know is that I love her and want to continue spending all the time i can with her. She is my life. Someone I can and will spend the rest of my days with.

We will hopefully end up in a place together sooner rather than later, I know that will happen. But in the meantime I try to keeps things positive. She thinks I’m coping well, better than she is. But the truth is all the distractions in the world wont stop me wanting to be with her and they certainly wont stop the sadness growing inside me that we cant just live together now.

I hide it well, with jokes and everything, but I’m just as sad and low that we have to part ways some days as she is.

Hopefully she understands and is still in love with me like I am with her.

Hopefully.

Falling, totally, in love…

Falling in love is a wonderful thing. I never thought it would happen once. Let alone twice. And certainly not to the extent that I feel right now.

I’m with the perfect person, for me.
I’m an anxious mess, us she doesn’t care. She supports me. Just like I support her.

The fact is, my best friend is my girlfriend. And in no way is that a bad thing.

I’m am so happy to have someone in my life that I am totally in love with.

And I am so grateful for her. She makes me smile, without doing a single thing. And I feel safe around her. I’ve never wanted to be part of someone’s life more than I do with her. And I want her to be part of mine. I’m so lucky she feels the same way. So very lucky ❤

If I didn’t tell you – James TW

My brother played this on the way home today. And all I could do was think of her… The most important person in my life…

We went for a walk…

I am in a relationship. We are officially partners in crime (although we are yet to actually commit a crime…

Anyway, tonight we went for a walk after dinner at hers. We went for a walk along the beach and the local harbour.

It was wonderful. It was only a walk but the company and the area were perfect.

Positive post alert:

The past couple of days have been amazing. And no I’m not being dramatic.

Since we started talking again, things I and my friend have gone from strength to strength.

We’ve slowly built our friendship back up and relayed the trust we once had. Only this time it’s gone further than it did before.

We’ve been hanging out, talking on the phone, messaging, and I’ve been staying at her home the last 2 weekends.

We’re still taking it slow, at least we’re keeping things steady and making sure we’re both on the same page.

That’s working.

Further than that though, we are also learning about each other. Out flaws, are best features, and our insecurities (among other things).

This past weekend I stayed for 3 nights and came home today.

It was genuinely wonderful. We went out for the day, yesterday for example, and what started off as a less than perfect day, developed into a lovely day for us both. Including us having ice-cream by the harbour.

Literally a great day out.

But the best bit about this developing relationship? The talking.

We go for walks, we talk about ourselves, our pasts, our hopes, our fears. All the cliched things that help build trust between two people. And I loved every second of it!

She truly melts my heart, without trying, and further to that she’s adamant in that she likes me more than I like her.

Well, I don’t see how because I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. And the feeling I’m getting about this relationship is that its something special and will only get better as time goes on.

She already means more to me than anyone else I’ve ever known and, honestly, I can say I hope this (whatever it is) never ends.

Here’s a picture of the ice cream that I had by the harbour… Strawberries & cream, white chocolate (with fudge pieces)…

Never Fade – Katelyn Tarver

Smiling like a fool…

I haven’t smiled like this in a long time.

Things with my friend may be going slow (100% mutual consent) but they’re still going well.

We spoke for 4.5hrs last night, on the phone, something I don’t ever recall doing before, with anyone else.

And all it’s done is make me smile like a fool all day.

I’ve been struggling, up and down, with my anxiety this week and work has not helped.

So to wake up today, having had that wonderful conversation, and then feel pretty good about me anxiety-wise? Well, I don’t know how to describe other than to simply say that it’s nice!

I laughed and joked with a colleague today and noticed a change in how I felt towards a few different things. And that I was able to move my focus off of something that really annoyed me (management being rude once more) and turn it towards good, positive things!

It feels like a really nice, good day.

I walked my friend home and enjoyed the chilled air as we spoke about random stuff. It was nice to have that conversation and general company.

Even more so seeing as the person I was with is pretty awesome.

Anyway, I wanted to place this one good post in and just take today (and the phone conversation from last night) in a little.

I’m grateful for today. And for the fun and happiness i feel!

Equilibrium…

Ok, so I need to get this out of my head…

Things have been going really well with my friend. We’ve met a few times, more than a few in fact, and things just feel great.

She’s ok the same page as me: slow and steady, with intermittent spurts of going with it.

We both want things to work but don’t want to rush it. That’s sensible in my mind. Obviously, it is in hers too.

Last night I stayed at hers, it got late and I, quite honestly, didn’t want to leave her as she was snuggled up to me and was not feeling great.

Plus I really wanted to spend more time with her! That goes without saying!

I didn’t sleep well though, because I struggle in new environments. I did get a little bit of sleep but was mostly restless.

I don’t know if its the tiredness, or just over thinking, or maybe both?

But I’m scared I’ve done something to upset her or make her feel bad. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but something just felt off in my head, like I did something wrong.

Again, I can’t think of anything I did that was wrong. Maybe it’s just my anxious mind looking for things that are wrong because it feels familiar. Or maybe staying over eas pushing it too far.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m worried and until I hear her point of view? I’m going to keep worrying.

I hate this kind of anxiety. It feels crippling.

Hopefully, it’s just because we are both tired and that’s literally it. But I hope its nothing more.

I certainly hope I haven’t upset/annoyed/made her feel insecure.

I really like her, and maybe that’s scaring me too.

I just hope things work out. All too often they fall apart around now. Got to keep faith in that it is true to myself and hope she likes what she sees!

Crossing my fingers a little too hard…

Your gaze won’t let me go…

Pretty as a flower,
Rustling in the breeze
My focus drawn toward you,
Your gaze won’t let me go,
The air is thick, the die is cast,
As the mist swarms all around,
The heavens open, sky so dark,
As rain hits ground beneath us,
Still, you’re here, gaze unbreaking
And my hand you take in yours,
As we walk across the fields,
And stroll on by the sea,
It does feel strange,
At first of course
But then we learn the ropes
Your hand is soft and gentle,
And your eyes?
They match my own,
So of we go, far and wide,
To search across the land,
For home, for shelter,
A private place to call our own.
Until then all i know:
Is my focus drawn toward you,
And your gaze won’t let me go.

Nervous reconnection…

So, how do I write this…

I’ve been struggling these last 6 months, both personally and with feelings that I didn’t want to feel.

With the help of my therapist and some serious thinking, I found the strength to set myself some boundaries.

I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but things are finally looking up both in my own mind and in general.

This past week I’ve stood up to someone, complained about them, had a meeting with both of my managers, and pushed myself past the edge of what I felt was possible.

If I combine all of that with how things are going with my friend right now? Well, it has been a bloody good week!

I have struggled for a while now, emotionally, but the distance that was created between me and my friend helped me come to terms with my own feelings and how I felt.

It allowed me some space and distance to really reflect on how I felt, what I wanted etc.

Once I got that sorted in my head, things seemed to click for me.

My friend came back into my life. And boy, did she come flying back in, in the best way.

We’ve spoken, got our feelings out in the open, spoke about what each of us wanted, and agreed… Friendship first everything else? If it’s meant to happen? It’ll happen.

And, where before I would be freaking out, worrying seems to be at a minimum in regards to things with her.

I still get fleeting moments of panic or worry, but they’re much easier to rationalise and talk myself down from.

I don’t know how or why it’s like this, but I feel so comfortable when I’m around her. Even when we message, I don’t panic about responses. I can take the time I need before responding and when she takes her time? I do not panic at all.

It’s surreal and it feels too good to be true, to be on the same page as someone. I’m just trying my best to enjoy it and have fun. I’m also just happy being myself with her, which I know helps so much with being comfortable.

We had a lovely day, yesterday, and we spoke, walked, chilled, laughed, ate, and simply got to know each other some more. It was fantastic.

Basically, we’re getting back to being close and both seem to feel the same. I’m not rushing things in my head, or for real. And I’ve never felt so happy being in this situation

It’s nice.

Anyway, its been a while since I last posted and that was because I needed to work on myself refocus things.

Going forward im not going to force myself to write on here or Instagram. But I will post as and when I need to. I just needed to take the pressure of myself.

Speak soon. Maybe…