Falling, totally, in love…

Falling in love is a wonderful thing. I never thought it would happen once. Let alone twice. And certainly not to the extent that I feel right now.

I’m with the perfect person, for me.
I’m an anxious mess, us she doesn’t care. She supports me. Just like I support her.

The fact is, my best friend is my girlfriend. And in no way is that a bad thing.

I’m am so happy to have someone in my life that I am totally in love with.

And I am so grateful for her. She makes me smile, without doing a single thing. And I feel safe around her. I’ve never wanted to be part of someone’s life more than I do with her. And I want her to be part of mine. I’m so lucky she feels the same way. So very lucky ❤

Positive post alert:

The past couple of days have been amazing. And no I’m not being dramatic.

Since we started talking again, things I and my friend have gone from strength to strength.

We’ve slowly built our friendship back up and relayed the trust we once had. Only this time it’s gone further than it did before.

We’ve been hanging out, talking on the phone, messaging, and I’ve been staying at her home the last 2 weekends.

We’re still taking it slow, at least we’re keeping things steady and making sure we’re both on the same page.

That’s working.

Further than that though, we are also learning about each other. Out flaws, are best features, and our insecurities (among other things).

This past weekend I stayed for 3 nights and came home today.

It was genuinely wonderful. We went out for the day, yesterday for example, and what started off as a less than perfect day, developed into a lovely day for us both. Including us having ice-cream by the harbour.

Literally a great day out.

But the best bit about this developing relationship? The talking.

We go for walks, we talk about ourselves, our pasts, our hopes, our fears. All the cliched things that help build trust between two people. And I loved every second of it!

She truly melts my heart, without trying, and further to that she’s adamant in that she likes me more than I like her.

Well, I don’t see how because I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. And the feeling I’m getting about this relationship is that its something special and will only get better as time goes on.

She already means more to me than anyone else I’ve ever known and, honestly, I can say I hope this (whatever it is) never ends.

Here’s a picture of the ice cream that I had by the harbour… Strawberries & cream, white chocolate (with fudge pieces)…

Smiling like a fool…

I haven’t smiled like this in a long time.

Things with my friend may be going slow (100% mutual consent) but they’re still going well.

We spoke for 4.5hrs last night, on the phone, something I don’t ever recall doing before, with anyone else.

And all it’s done is make me smile like a fool all day.

I’ve been struggling, up and down, with my anxiety this week and work has not helped.

So to wake up today, having had that wonderful conversation, and then feel pretty good about me anxiety-wise? Well, I don’t know how to describe other than to simply say that it’s nice!

I laughed and joked with a colleague today and noticed a change in how I felt towards a few different things. And that I was able to move my focus off of something that really annoyed me (management being rude once more) and turn it towards good, positive things!

It feels like a really nice, good day.

I walked my friend home and enjoyed the chilled air as we spoke about random stuff. It was nice to have that conversation and general company.

Even more so seeing as the person I was with is pretty awesome.

Anyway, I wanted to place this one good post in and just take today (and the phone conversation from last night) in a little.

I’m grateful for today. And for the fun and happiness i feel!

Your gaze won’t let me go…

Pretty as a flower,
Rustling in the breeze
My focus drawn toward you,
Your gaze won’t let me go,
The air is thick, the die is cast,
As the mist swarms all around,
The heavens open, sky so dark,
As rain hits ground beneath us,
Still, you’re here, gaze unbreaking
And my hand you take in yours,
As we walk across the fields,
And stroll on by the sea,
It does feel strange,
At first of course
But then we learn the ropes
Your hand is soft and gentle,
And your eyes?
They match my own,
So of we go, far and wide,
To search across the land,
For home, for shelter,
A private place to call our own.
Until then all i know:
Is my focus drawn toward you,
And your gaze won’t let me go.

The spirit of someone once closer to me…

There are times I feel normal,
Laughter exudes from my mouth.
The ebb and flow of conversation,
A close friend laughs at a comment
I made.

But then, out the corner of my eye,
You draw my attention,
The spirit of someone I used to know.
The essence of a person once close to me.
A pit forms in my chest, my stomach, and my mind.
How do I still feel this emptiness inside?

You float on past me, you dare not look me in the eye,
A small fleeting moment, I wish you’d say hi.

The moment passes, and I turn back again, the laughter kicks in, and a smile reappears.

These moments are plenty, but your eyes see through my facade, breaking down resilience, my boundaries are tested.

But I hold firm, I’m right, I’m doing this for me.
But there goes that spirit, the essence of someone I still hold dear to me.
It pulls my vision and my sentience to thee,
A love unrequited, and distance is key,
But when you waft straight on past me,
My head waits to see, that which was given, and taken away.

Your presence is wanted, craved some might say, because you are cared for, and so shall it stay.

And i wish you were there…

Over and over, I shared it with you,
My heart, my mind, and in part my soul too.

I gave and I gave, no thought for my own,
But truth and colour, to me you have shown.

For now it is clear, my focus was off,
I need to look inwards, please do not scoff.

I care for you, and never will stop,
But right in this moment, with you I must swap.

For painful this is, and truly unfair,
This anxiety is torture, and I wish you were there.

As a friend, a companion, someone to hold dear,
But instead i have awkwardness, and that is too clear.

Im here, and i care, too much it must seem,
Maybe you’ll care too, or maybe I’ll dream.

Forgivensss is difficult, but harder still,
Forgetting, i admit, is like climbing a hill.

But one thing i know, or maybe i feel,
Distance will help me, and then i can heal.

Overwhelmed and misunderstood…

Emotions.

Sometimes they can overwhelm and seriously suck.

And it’s hard to just snap out of a particular emotion.

I care about people a lot. Not just those I have romantic emotions for, but also friends and even, to some degree, people I don’t know.

This isn’t a boast, it’s just a fact. I use deeply. Unfortunately, it means I also hurt deeply.

I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. All I can hope is that the people that matter understand me. Or at least are willing to try.

I take things personally not because I think everything is about me, but because I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I don’t deserve happiness because in not a good person.

That’s a pile of shit. I know that. But it doesn’t make it easier to believe.

It’s not so much about being depressed, or low, or even miserable, it’s about trying to change the way my mind works.

I’ve made huge strides over the past year or so, specifically the last few months. Mostly with the support of my friends.

However, when things go wrong or change? They cause upset and it feels like the ground is shaking beneath me.

I start to panic and lose some of the control I’ve managed to build.

It’s even worse when the closest friend in your life seems so far removed from what they once were.

Little things hurt like daggers in the chest and trying to come to terms with a change in the friendship (that wasn’t instigated by me, but unfortunately condoned) is very difficult.

When I care about people and they do things that hurt me? It isn’t easy to not take it personally. I give everything to my friends and when it feels like they don’t even care? It breaks my heart.

Boundary setting is high on my agenda, but when fear of people leaving you drives your anxiety – the worry that people hate you and dislike you, is so overwhelmingly strong that it’s hard not to take the smallest little thing personally.

I go out of my way to see things from other peoples points of views. Just once id like someone to at least try and see things from mine.

I have 3 days off work and a therapist appointment Tuesday. I’m even hoping ill get to see a friend for a coffee at some point. With luck, that will happen and my mind can ease in general.

Maybe I’ll be able to get a few of those boundaries built. Or at least start on their foundations…

I’m crossing my fingers a little…

As thoughts of you, they simmer.

Hidden in the sand
A gemstone full of grace
Sparkles, shines, and glimmers
My eye is caught
My head is turned
As thoughts of you
They simmer.

In my mind
burning bright
They mean no harm
But cause a fright
As Thoughts of you,
They simmer.

A road they burn,
Right to my heart,
No medicine could deliver
Me from this forceful start.
As thoughts of you,
They simmer.

The sand, it parts,
And settles down,
Calmly by my feet,
A gentle frown
Across my face
That tells me i am ready,
To hand you keys,
That guide your way
As thoughts of you
They simmer.

Starlight hides…

Starlight hides, no moon tonight
Yet lanterns guide my way.
Across the moors and shallow seas,
Far from me you stay.

And there you stand,
Those big blue eyes,
They bore into my mind.

They trap my thoughts,
And in my heart,
Adoration they do find.

Stemming disappointment…

I’m off work for ten days.

Kind of. I have to work Wednesday. But I’m off for a week after that.

I had hoped to see a few different people. I wanted to push myself and meet with a couple different friends – one on one so it’s not overwhelming – and just catch up.

I’d also really hoped to see my close friend. But that can’t happen.

For better, or worse, she does n’t think it’s a good idea – her partner is still not keen on the idea.

I’m trying hard not to feel too disappointed, I miss seeing her and was hoping a catch up might have helped us connect a bit more, get things a little more like they were.

Alas, its not to be.

And honestly, i can understand why.

I don’t want to put her in a position that makes her life any harder than it has to be, and equally i don’t want to cause an issue for her with her partner.

Hopefully we can just take it a little slower and eventually we can go out and catch-up some time.

There’s still that fear of losing a friend that is bothering me and I’m trying to separate what thoughts and feelings belong to my fears and what one’s belong to the natural disappointment.

I reiterated that im always here for her. For anything she needs help with.

I suppose that’s all I can do. I want to be friends with her and I want her to know im here no matter what.

But I can’t force the situation. I just have to hope that she continues to feel the same and take the messages/contact where i can get it.

Emotionally, its hard. I’m sensitive, and it can be a struggle when the contact we had before was so extensive. But the thing is, when I allow myself to care about someone like this, i worry about them.

And prolonged periods of non-contact are hard. I’m working on that to stop it from affecting me so much. But when it comes from such a kind place, its hard for me to pinpoint it and stem it.

Until i can handle it, i just have to keep reminding myself its not me. I’m always going to be there for my friend – always.

As long as she knows im there for her? That’s all i can do.

For now that will have to be enough.