And i wish you were there…

Over and over, I shared it with you,
My heart, my mind, and in part my soul too.

I gave and I gave, no thought for my own,
But truth and colour, to me you have shown.

For now it is clear, my focus was off,
I need to look inwards, please do not scoff.

I care for you, and never will stop,
But right in this moment, with you I must swap.

For painful this is, and truly unfair,
This anxiety is torture, and I wish you were there.

As a friend, a companion, someone to hold dear,
But instead i have awkwardness, and that is too clear.

Im here, and i care, too much it must seem,
Maybe you’ll care too, or maybe I’ll dream.

Forgivensss is difficult, but harder still,
Forgetting, i admit, is like climbing a hill.

But one thing i know, or maybe i feel,
Distance will help me, and then i can heal.

As thoughts of you, they simmer.

Hidden in the sand
A gemstone full of grace
Sparkles, shines, and glimmers
My eye is caught
My head is turned
As thoughts of you
They simmer.

In my mind
burning bright
They mean no harm
But cause a fright
As Thoughts of you,
They simmer.

A road they burn,
Right to my heart,
No medicine could deliver
Me from this forceful start.
As thoughts of you,
They simmer.

The sand, it parts,
And settles down,
Calmly by my feet,
A gentle frown
Across my face
That tells me i am ready,
To hand you keys,
That guide your way
As thoughts of you
They simmer.

Stemming disappointment…

I’m off work for ten days.

Kind of. I have to work Wednesday. But I’m off for a week after that.

I had hoped to see a few different people. I wanted to push myself and meet with a couple different friends – one on one so it’s not overwhelming – and just catch up.

I’d also really hoped to see my close friend. But that can’t happen.

For better, or worse, she does n’t think it’s a good idea – her partner is still not keen on the idea.

I’m trying hard not to feel too disappointed, I miss seeing her and was hoping a catch up might have helped us connect a bit more, get things a little more like they were.

Alas, its not to be.

And honestly, i can understand why.

I don’t want to put her in a position that makes her life any harder than it has to be, and equally i don’t want to cause an issue for her with her partner.

Hopefully we can just take it a little slower and eventually we can go out and catch-up some time.

There’s still that fear of losing a friend that is bothering me and I’m trying to separate what thoughts and feelings belong to my fears and what one’s belong to the natural disappointment.

I reiterated that im always here for her. For anything she needs help with.

I suppose that’s all I can do. I want to be friends with her and I want her to know im here no matter what.

But I can’t force the situation. I just have to hope that she continues to feel the same and take the messages/contact where i can get it.

Emotionally, its hard. I’m sensitive, and it can be a struggle when the contact we had before was so extensive. But the thing is, when I allow myself to care about someone like this, i worry about them.

And prolonged periods of non-contact are hard. I’m working on that to stop it from affecting me so much. But when it comes from such a kind place, its hard for me to pinpoint it and stem it.

Until i can handle it, i just have to keep reminding myself its not me. I’m always going to be there for my friend – always.

As long as she knows im there for her? That’s all i can do.

For now that will have to be enough.

A lonely path…

Feeling alone is a tough one.
It’s something I struggle with a lot because I’ve always felt alone on one level or another.
There have been 2 occasions on which I’ve not felt alone.

Both have occurred in the last 2 years.

The most recent? I’m still struggling with the aftermath of. (Emotionally speaking).

The problem I have with feeling lonely is that it’s a very hard feeling to kick. It goes hand in hand with anxiety and overthinking and the people you care about the most are often the focus of such thoughts.

Imagine being led down a path. This path is new, scary, but ultimately it makes you feel happy and like you’re with someone who not only gets you, but really cares.

There are twists and turns in this road, but there alongside you is your friend – you’re both holding each other up.

Now, this is where things get really tough. Because the backdrop changes, and the feelings, the bond between you and your friend change.
Things get harder, for sure, but they get more rewarding too.
You want this oath, even more so when your friend agrees. So You both start out along this new, scary path.
But things get difficult fast, they get confusing. You are willing to stick it out and find out where this road leads, find out what the twists and turns mean.
But your friend has anoyher option. And they jump to the safety of that path. Leaving you alone on your path.

They shout across to you things like “you’re not alone, im still here for you” but the reality is they’re too far away to be of any help.
You want them to be there to understand like they did before. But they cant be there for you, not like you want to be for them. Because they’ve gone over to another path.

They’ve jumped to a safer path. A more secure path for them.

Now there are many people who you can come across on your path. Not all of whom you’d trust enough to let them travel with you.

There are some who come and visit, then leave with nothing but a smile exchanged.

There are those who come and visit but leave unintended devastation in their wake.

And there are those who’s paths join with yours, they keeo you company, allow you to trust them, only for the path to split, just enough for them to be just out of reach.

They’re the hardest ones. Because youre forever looking for where their path meets yours once more.

My friend is the latter of those examples. And she is someone i care about, probably, way too much.

So of course I want her path to stick with mine. Even if its at arms length.

The problem with that is, with us being so close for so long, the current situation feels harsh. The lack of communication is perpetuating the loneliness i feel, and although that is in no way on her to fix, it is hard for me to deal with alone.

When you trust someone enough to let then in, to let them see the distraught cityscape that is your true self, and they don’t run a mile? Well, that’s such an amazing feeling. To give up that trust and receive it back.

I know things will improve, i know i will improve my ability to handle things.

But right now, in this moment? I feel very alone. And all I want is that friend I had there before.

And therein lies the pain.

When I see your face…

My heart it wanders,

To and fro,

Its looking around,

High and low,

It wants to see you,

Please do show

Your face, for a while,

Just don’t go,

Away from me now,

For I know

What seeing you does,

How I glow,

When I see your face…

I adore my Friend…

I adore my Friend.
So much so that I want to be there for her even though I’m not quite ready for things.
I keep thinking that if I just ignore that I like her a lot it will go away.
That things will go back to how they were. And that we can just be friends and everything will ok again.

The truth is that whenever I see her, something inside me lights up.
Whenever we talk I feel lifted. I feel so much better than before.

There’s something about her that just makes me feel great.
And although I love it, I hate it in equal amounts.
Because the things I see in her that draw me towards her are the same things I treasure about her and out friendship.

Why did things have to get so complicated?
I would happily return to a state of ignorance and let this friendship be how it was.
In fact I wish I could stop really liking her more than I wish something could happen.

How pathetic is that?
Ive been feeling low this past couple of weeks and i know things always seem worse than they really are when I get like this.
But right now all I feel like I’m doing is going around in circles. I have no idea how to stop liking my friend. And I would rather just be friends right now. But then the fear kicks in, and the ‘what ifs’ flood my mind.
I don’t want to keep punishing myself for feeling this way. But at the same time I really feel like I shouldn’t feel this way.that its wrong.

The truth is, she’s a genuinely lovely and amazing person. And it’s not a surprise that I like her. She has traits that I’d adore in anyone. But she’s also my friend. And to keep feeling like this just feels like a betrayal.
It also feels like I’m being dishonest.
I just want to go back to how it was, when I didn’t feel this way.
The problem is, in this moment, I have no idea if that is possible. And it scares the shit out of me.

Sailing in the shallows…

I’ve been feeling like I’ve been drowing in my own thoughts, like my feelings have been grasping at my legs and pulling me down. Like everything I think or feel is false. I don’t feel I can trust myself. Yet the only thing I’m sure of is the be thing I’m trying to hide, or let go of. Ugh. Its just frustrating. I can’t seem to be happy with my progress.

I’m more than happy with things as they are with my friend. They’re getting better and every conversation we have, I can feel the friendship heal a little more. The joy I feel when we have a chat – I simply can’t describe the feeling. Not fully. All I can say is that the buzz I get from talking with her just clears my anxiety – like it used to before all this happened.

As I sit here writing this, I can hear the loud, dulcet tone of a ship’s horn blaring periodically through the night air.

Like a boat scraping its bow in the shallows, I know I’m moving forward, but I can’t help but think that if I was a little smarter, or a little more resolute, that I could make my way out to deeper waters, and smoother sailing.

Instead, I’m grinding this ship, my soul, into the sand and rocks that rest beneath me.

Sure, I’m getting where I want to go. The view is pretty too. But what about all this damage I’m doing to myself?

I care too much about others, and no one cares about me. At least not in the same way. Certainly, the people id like I care that much don’t/can’t.

And yet I still long for the safety of a helping hand.

I know that I can do this. I’m just not sure I want to. And the realisation of that thought scares me so much I want to cry my heart out.

I’m scared. To be me and love me. Because I’m scared of the people I’ll lose by serving myself before I serve others.

I’m scared that the people I care about the most, the ones I consider the closest people to me, would end up pushed away.

New year. Same old fears.

At times I wonder…

There are times I wonder about the thoughts and feelings I have.
I wonder if they’re real or simply made up to punish/help me.
Are they false? Are they projections? Are they simply an illusion?

But then, you stand before me. Exhausted smiles and joyous sighs. Your eyes sparkling like sapphires, hair shining like the sea reflecting the moon.

And I know then, in that moment, that these are not falsehoods and lies. Nor are they illusions. They are real, an unfortunate truth that complicates my very day.

I don’t want to feel this. Nor I I wish to think it.
But I can’t do anything to stop them, not a thing, to quell them instantly.
Although I wish, with every fibre of my being, that I could.

I hope i think these thoughts into nothingness and the truth becomes another page in my minds’ history.
For simpler and calmer my days would become.

But until that happens I will look for that sapphire sparkle, the smile that lights up the very air around you, because they brighten my soul, and allow me to believe my own thoughts once more.
No matter how much I wish they were never there.

A rose sits on your windowsill…

On your window sill it sits,
Gaining dust and memories,
It grows in secret,
When youre not looking,
But always, its there to see.

Standing tall, and proud
To say
That its love for you
Is here to stay
For it wont die,
Maybe change its hue,
But still it loves you
My, oh my.
That rose up on your windowsill
Is there to stay,
Not fade away
And one day in
The years gone by
You’ll see it grown,
And tall and high
For that growth,
You missed,
Has come of age
And now you’ll never
Run out again,
Of roses on you windowsill.

Clawing for air…

Gasping, im clawing for the surface, for the air that lies above.

Kicking, i try to push towards it but I just sink further and further into the abyss.

I scream, words failing to register, as if they’re muffled by some unknown force.

Panic seeps through me, wetting my clothes with sweat. Fear grabbing my ankles. Pulling me down.

The light fades and the fear laughs into my ears as it tightens its grip. I can’t do this, I think, as the tears streak down my swelling cheeks. I blink my eyes at the light, now but a distant sparkle, twinkling above me.

How did i fall so far? How can i reach that light once more?

Then, something pushes me.

“Try again, one more try.”
A voice, quiet at first, speaks to me.

I wipe at the tears, no good, my eyes are streaming. So i kick. I flail my feet, kicking at the hold that fear has on me.

Eventually, its grip loosens and i kick again, like mad. Flapping my arms trying to pull myself up and through this mire.

The light that had once dwindled into a glimmering dot is now growing steadily as i rise more and more.

The light soon stretches wider than my field of view and that feeling, of drowning under a crushing weight, steadily recedes.

As i try once more for the surface, fingertips breaking the waves above, i falter and flail once more.

The current is fast here, waves building, pushing my fingers back under before i can fully break the surface.

A sense of dread begins to fill me. I try to stifle it but I’m scared. Scared that I’ll never be good enough, never be ok, never be free of this struggle.

I slow my arms, and the sense of fear slowly wraps around my feet. Gathering me in its dark embrace once more. Again the cycle begins. Lower, i drift again.

There’s a loud splash, and i strain my eyes looking up. A figure floats before me, arms outstretched, coming closer to me.

I hold my arms up, i don’t know who, or what this spectre is, but they grasp my arms and pull me towards them. They grasp me, holding me close, and they kick with a power that i could only ever dream of.

I kick my feet in response, a pointless task, but i do it all the same. This spectre soars through the mire, light growing in intensity, i feel the mire pulling at me, the fear fumbling for a grip on my feet but its too later, we’re moving too fast.

With a deafening thump! We break the surface, launching into the air. Higher we fly, sweeping through the cool, summer air.

Gradually the spectre becomes less undefined and i begin to see my mysterious saviour for who they really are.

Tears begin to fall. It’s you. The one who haunts my dreams, who speaks to me, giving me strength in my time if need. The one who always knows what to say, or what to do.

You’ve has always been there, ready to help. And here you are again, raising me up, showing me how I can succeed.

I miss you when you’re not there, for you give me a strength i could only dream of.

“That strength is yours, and yours alone, ” you whisper, as if hearing my unspoken thought, “I am merely a vessel sent to guide your use of it” you continue.

“Then guide me” i speak the words through a smile as I take your hand firmly. You smile back, and grasp my hand,

“This way” you whisper, and off we go again…