I haven’t struggled as much as i did yesterday, and yet today I feel the temptation to self-sabotage so much more.
I find myself wanting to speak to my friend, to look at her pictures.
Not for any crude reason, or anything naive as my feelings. I simply miss her in my life. This distance is helping me settle my thoughts and emotions, but its also trying and without her there it is rather lonely.
Now, i know this probably just means its another thing i have to come to terms with. To find peace and satisfaction in my own company but as humans, we all strive for love, acceptance, and connection.
The pattern if this potted flower combined with the droplets of water captured my attention first…
Aside from the obvious romantic love, there is also a love that comes with friendship. There’s also a level of connection that comes from those we care for. None more so than out friends.
And right now all i want is to push past this situation and go back to what we were before it all went off track.
Patience is not my strongest feature, by any stretch of the imagination. Its something that i do struggle with (don’t worry im adding it to my ever increasing lost of flaws).
Basically, i know that in time, we will get some level of friendship back.
What is forcing my mind to dwell/overthink is that i want what we had back. That ‘close’ level of friendship. The thing that scares me is not knowing how long it might take, if it happens at all, to get back there.
This delicate bush was covered in singular drops of water…
Patience. Time. Faith.
These are the things that will fix this issue. No amount of worrying by me.
So why does my mind insist on worrying?
A dozen or so things at once floating around my mind. Mainly ‘what ifs’ and ‘buts’. Yet I know they’re not helpful at all.
I’m trusting myself in that I haven’t tripped or fallen into a low mood yet. And I am trying to keep myself distracted when I begin to overthink. Like now.
Im also trying to keep the positive actions in my mind when i feel the low-mood washing over me. When my anxiety is loud and my heartbeat begins to race, when that tightness across my chest and my arms begin to quiver, i have to try and talk myself into a calmer mood.
So far I’ve been able to do that without the frantic, chaotic mindset taking over. That’s when things get worse. When I send message after message and freak out.
So far, I’ve been doing ok. Even though this is hard and i don’t know what will happen next.
I’ve got enough from my friend in that shes said she does want to still be friends. And as childish as that statement might sound from me, it means i have something to look to and focus on.
I want to still be her friend and once I can control my reactions to these feelings, instead of letting them lead me to low and stressful places, i feel we can start to work on that friendship.
This one didn’t come out right, my camera simply refused to focus on the branches and preferred the leaves…
Knowing our personalities, i have no doubt that there will come a time when we can laugh about all of this.
My only concern is that i hope she is doing ok.
I know i should be just focusing on my own struggle, but i can’t help but hope shes doing ok.
That part of my personality, caring more for other people, is harder to stop than you might think.
Anyway, today’s walk was refreshing and calming.
I was hit by a wave of anxiety and overthinking that threatened to overtake me. But I managed to distract from the thoughts and worries enough until it passed.
The photos i have included in this post (all taken by me) are from that walk and show the beauty still out there, even this time of year…
A small puddle, showing the remains of some late forming fruit…
I really felt like I needed the walk tonight. I needed to let out some pent up anxiety, some overwhelming emotions. I’m not ashamed to admit it today; I need a good cry.
But fate, or luck, is against me. It’s absolutely tipping it down out there tonight. I attempted to go out after all a little rain never hurt anyone. However, as I reached the end of the road and turned onto the beach facing road? It became very clear that I would not make it to the shelter on the cliff without becoming drenched. I’d rather not get ill as well as feel like this so I turned on the spot and headed home. I’ll have to settle for holding it in a little longer and letting it all out tonight when I go to sleep.
I know it’s not healthy to keep this locked up, it hurts and the longer I leave it the worse it becomes, but crying in front of my family only leaves me open to ridicule and makes my mother worry. She’s in the hospital right now and the last thing I need her to do is worry about me.
I hate feeling like this, because It’s like a vicious spiral. When I’m down it’s like trying to go through life underwater. Everything is so much harder. Even simple, everyday things like walking.
I was having a relatively bad day today. I was having trouble stopping myself from overthinking. Well, it’s complicated because I never really stop it but I can, on occasion, distract myself. I had difficulty with that today. everything led back to (E). Or at least something that happened between us. I need to figure out a way to stop that because it is doing my head in. I can be thinking about anything and it’ll lead back to something I’m insecure about. When I try and find a positive thing to combat that negative thought my brain almost automatically thinks back to something that really made me believe the positive…. Unfortunately, that is almost always something (E) said to me. Because the most recent thing that made me feel like I didn’t care about what I was insecure about was her.
It’s hard because it makes me smile. But the minute I start thinking about when it happened I can feel my mind slipping. So I have to try and stop it and in doing so, I become frustrated. It’s something I need to work on – being more positive but kinder to myself. My counsellor said I should not be annoyed that I catch myself – I should, instead, be happy that I even know I’m doing it. Even more so when I catch it and stop it successfully.
Anyway, something nice did happen at work today. Something I want to share because it’s important how little things affect people in ways you might not realise…
I’m a nervous person. And I am very anxious around people I do not know very well.
There’s a girl at my work, she’s friends with my friend (K) and I’ve occasionally said hello to her and her boyfriend, she seems nice but I don’t really know her well enough to speak to her – I just feel awkward and don’t really know what to say. So I don’t say anything. I just keep to myself.
Anyway, she came up to me earlier and asked if I went to the London Comicon often? We had a brief chat about it, and how I went last year but I’m not too bothered about making it an annual thing (i just didn’t enjoy it enough). She told me she only asked because she had an all-weekend pass going spare and wondered if I wanted it. I very politely declined as I was not going this year but thanked her for thinking of me and offering.
It really made me smile, it also made me feel more at ease around her. It might sound silly but when someone says something like that, a nicety that is genuine, it just helps me feel more at ease around them. I can’t see myself opening up and telling her my life story or having a long deep conversation with her, but at least I won’t feel so awkward when talking to her in general now. It’s nice to feel that relaxation.
A silly thing to mention but it was a nice moment in an otherwise stressful/anxious emotionally hard day…
Anyway, i’ve droned on far longer than i’d planned… I think i should sleep. 2 more shifts and i get some time to myself, away from work!
Hating to Love 