Alone is a place I visit a lot…

Feeling alone. Loneliness.

I imagine a lot of people know the feeling.

We’ve all had that feeling at some point or another.

This past 6 months or so, I’ve felt more alone than I thought it possible to feel.

I have been trying to push myself and talk things through with people. I even got in contact with an old friend.

But this past week, even with my family around me, I have felt so unbearably alone.

I know it’s something I have to try and work through but it’s one thing knowing I have to be kinder to myself as well as being more positive in general and it’s another thing completely to enact those thoughts.

I’m still struggling with believing my own positive thoughts and allowing them to take control. I still feel useless, worthless and in general a waste of space.

I’ve had someone tell me recently that I’m a really nice person, that my sensitivity and emotions make me a great person. Yet my instant thought in retaliation is that I do not feel that way. That if I was all those things, then maybe I’d not be alone right now.

I know that line of thought is poisonous and extremely dangerous to my own sense of self. But how do I combat them when they’re so instantaneous? So automatic? The counsellor I was seeing said it would take time but I have to keep being positive and, when I am negative, letting it all go and try to move on in a positive manner.

It sounds so easy when I type it, but anyone who’s read my previous posts will know I’ve been saying this to myself, on here and in person, for a long time now.

The truth is I do not feel better, I feel slightly less pain towards the breakup and a little less pain when I think about (E), but I still feel all these emotions – all this love – for her.

A colleague, who I managed to open up to a little bit, told me something that’s been on my mind. I opened up and told her that I’d been lying to people when they asked if I’d got over (E) yet. I told them I was – so I didn’t have to face the truth: I so obviously not over her.

She simply said to me: “Why do you have to be over it?”

“Sometimes we just have to live with these things, you might never be over her, but it doesn’t mean you have to never like someone else. You’ll get there, I know you will”

Wow, just thinking about this and typing it all, has my heart going. My anxiety is flaring just thinking about all I this. The thoughts of (E) certainly help these flare ups seem more intense.

Like I said before, I loved being able to feel what I feel. I like that the emotions I never thought I could, or would, feel are now something I have no struggle in feeling. But the truth is it’s overwhelming. When things don’t work out how do you find a way forward?

When every thought that leads back to a painful memory or conflicting emotion, where do you turn your gaze? Do meditation and mindfulness exercises really help defend against these things?

I suppose it’s something I need to look into a bit more.

Until then I will look forward to my evening walks and try to use them as much as possible.

I have 2 more days off and I will try to enjoy them as much as possible.

I just hope she’s doing ok – whether I should be hoping that or not.

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