How can someone make such an impression on you in such a short time?
How can someone come along and make you feel so at ease that you just let yourself be free and go with the flow?
I’m not an open person and I don’t have a close knit of friends. I’ve not been very good at opening up and yet there still seems to have been someone who came along and just broke down any defences I built up.
I’m so unreservedly thankful for the short time I was able to feel that sort of connection, I certainly would not change anything that I said or did. I was myself and felt that I could show that to someone. Imperfections and all.
The hard bit is the abundance of emotion I know feel all the time. I feel so overwhelmed. I’m slowly getting it under control but there are days, like today, where nothing I do can take my mind off of (E). These days occur more often than I’ll admit and it’s hard to hide the effect she still has on my days.
I cannot even begin to put into words the conflict that rages in my heart and mind when I want to see her so very much, but know it will only hurt so also wish I don’t.
Every single time I think of her my heart still flutters, just before it sinks. It’s a vicious circle.
I always worry about all the little things and my overthinking means I’ve often gone through an astonishing amount of scenarios before I decide to do anything. there are several times a day where my brain goes into overdrive and just burns itself out overthinking stupid, made up scenarios. I’ve tried to note these moments, as they happen, and let them go. I try to drag my mind to the present moment and whilst I’m less successful than I’d like to be, I am slowly getting better at it. It’s just days like today, where nothing seems to work, are so hard to get through.
I’m not saying all this for any sort of sympathy, I know there are hundreds & thousands of people (if not more) that are suffering the same right as I type that.
I share this because I needed to get it out of my head. As an added effect, anyone else reading this and going through a similar situation can realise they’re not alone.