Ok, so dealing with the following has been a little difficult. If only because they brought to the surface feelings that I’d happily not had to deal with recently (for my own day-to-day benefit). Which, now I say it out loud, is probably why the dreams occurred in the first place!
Since I had the dream I mentioned in my previous posts I’ve had another one. I will attempt to get the images of the first one out of my mind before dealing with the complications of the latter one…
I was on a train. It was a run down underground train (possible a metro/tube environment). The interior of the train was metallic with no paint or decoration visible, other than the usual posters above the doors and seats. The seats themselves were relatively comfortable, a far as public transport goes, and I was sitting in a seat facing the opposite window, closest to the door (the door was to my immediate left) – between me and the door was a large plastic/glass frame and a vertical, metal holding rail.
I remember rocking slightly as if the train was manoeuvring around a bend quite fast. Just as that happened a girl a little shorter than me (no more than a few inches) walked past. she was wearing some loose fitting jeans and a pink fluffy wool-like jumper. It was not fuschia pink, it was more like a rose pink – a subtle pink and yet it seemed to stand out to the rest of the train cart. It was almost like everything had turned black and white – with the exception of her and that eye-catching pink sweater.
As she turned around, I saw that it was (E). I got nervous, as I always do – it had been a while since we last saw each other. I remembered that.
I said ‘hey’ and proceeded to ask her how she was. She smiled at me, but I could tell it was a pained one. That really tugged at my heartstrings a bit. It was hard enough to see her, harder yet to see her and see she was not happy.
We spoke a little, she told me she was not feeling too great and that she was happy she’d seen me. I said the same to her, my heart was flipping out actually seeing her, but I couldn’t get past not feeling a little down because she was not happy. I couldn’t get past it at all.
We spoke some more and the train journey seemed to go on and on forever. We spoke at length, although I do not remember the conversation much past what I’ve shared above.
It felt like a chance meeting would have been and certainly felt like it left the door open for us to talk more. But therein lies the problem. I know it was just my mind acting out a scenario where we could reconnect. And it’s painful because it was nothing more than a dream. I do wish, very much, we could be like we were.
It was hard to wake from and even more so when I looked at my phone and saw it was only 4 am. I had to be up at 6 am for work but trying to sleep again after that was incredibly hard. I eventually got back to sleep, but I’m not sure how long as I woke just before my alarm went off.
It was a hard couple of days after that, not least because the dream stirred feelings up and made me feel a lot of emotions about her I’d managed to not think about for a few days prior to the dream. Note to self: It is not wise to bury feelings. Neither is pushing them to one side…
That was a tough dream to deal with and with no real time to myself other than my evening walks, it is clear that I have not been dealing with things as much as I should be. Something I drastically need to work on.
With that, hopefully, the image of (E) in that incredibly cute fluffy rose-pink sweater can leave my mind…
Onwards to the more recent dream… This one will be much easier to write about…
During this dream, I never saw (E). It was simply an exchange of messages between me and a drinking (E). She was upset about something and told me of all the people to have messaged her she thought it was odd that it would have been me. She continued to say she was happy we were talking again – but again, it was only a half measure. We were messaging but all that I felt was the pain. I wanted something I could not have. Something she couldn’t give then. My dream merely mirrored real life. It was difficult to wake from only because I had to check my phone and messenger just to make sure it was only a dream. It did feel so real.
Honestly, that was the easier of the two dreams to deal with. The first one, almost 2 weeks old now, was torturous because I got to see her, and she looked as amazing as I remembered. Yes, I know it was my dream so she would look how I remember. What I mean is, when I saw her, she looked stunning – the feelings I used to feel when I saw her, they’re still there inside, they’re just buried/hidden.
Anyway, there you have my two dreams. I didn’t mean this post to be this long, but the truth is I obviously still feel strongly for her. I’m trying to understand what I need to do next. And I’m carrying on thinking about myself. I’ve not messaged her, as painful as it is every day, I’ve managed to stick to that rule. Each day I try to move forward and be kind to myself. But thoughts of (E) invade my mind and try to drag me back. And she did look so darn pretty in that pink sweater… 😦
Note: It is important for me to state some context. I only say I don’t want to feel these things because they hurt. My feelings don’t seem to have changed from before all this happened. It’s just the context. Before, I was allowed to feel these things. Hell, it felt great to feel them. Now, it’s almost like I’m not allowed to feel them anymore. I can’t shut off how I feel, nor how my mind works… I wish I could sometimes, but the truth is I’ve never felt this before, and I thought it meant more than it obviously did. My point is, I cannot simply turn these feelings off. So instead of focusing on my feelings, I’m trying to fix my anxiety and over thinking. I want to feel happy again. Whatever it takes.
That said, I know I’ll not settle for anything less than I felt when I was with (E). Even if that means never feeling it again!