I’m going to level with you, with myself.
I want to get this out of my system. To shout how I feel out, let it out. But something is stopping me. I don’t know if it’s the fear of how it will make me feel going over it, or whether the lack of support, right now, might mean I falter and, again, I’m fearful of what that means for my emotions.
It all comes down to me being scared about digging these feelings up. I don’t want to fall into a spiral, I don’t want to undo all this hard work I’ve done in trying to calm my over-thinking mind.
I’ve done well to realise how much I do overthink as well as the fact that I don’t have to just live with it. My counsellor helped me see that I had tools available to help me calm my overactive mind and relax a bit more. All I needed was some willpower.
I’m doing ok, in that, i’m able to understand when I’m overthinking. To realise that the line of thought I’m having is negative, or one of overthinking, is a huge win for me.
It’s difficult to talk myself out of a spiral, a process that gets harder the further into the spiral I am. Whilst it is difficult I have to try and not double tap myself with the negativity when I discover i’m overthinking.
I’m still a long way off being able to go over what I feel in any detail. Purely because I do not want to fall. I want to be able to face it, because maybe then I could move on a little. Or at least feel a little better about myself – something I could certainly do with.
I can be as honest with myself as I dare. But all it does is have me go over things that are no real use – unless I want to cause myself pain. Which I don’t.
The fact of the matter is that (E) made me feel spectacular. She made me feel happy like nothing else mattered in this world. As long as she was there, I could cope with anything. I did, and very much still do, Love her.
I don’t like saying that, or thinking it because all it does is upset me. It also has a tendency to set off my anxiety. Which is not as odd as it might sound. Seeing her always made me nervous/anxious, but always in the best way. That awesome feeling in your chest that let you know that the person you see before is incredibly special…
All the positivity from how it was is now transformed into a negative form of those same emotions. And it sucks. Walking past someone or seeing someone from a distance and them having the slightest resemblance to (E) – the feelings that bubble up, that threaten to take over, they’re overwhelming.
I walked home on a walk the other night, and a young couple were on a date, sitting on the bench I’d just been sitting on. The girl, from a distance (and behind), had a similar haircut to what I remembered (E) having. It was a cruel trick for my eyes to play on me, but instantly I saw her in my mind. Her smiling at me.
It’s a horrible, torturous, thing for my mind to do. But it’s something that is not particularly new. I’ve managed it quite well but, it is sometimes very hard to combat.
The truth is I want it back. And part of me always will.
I’ve accepted things are over and that it won’t ever be how it was but it doesn’t stop my heart wanting what it wants. I suppose all I can do right now is continue through my days and try to get to a point where it becomes background noise – or at least reach a place where I can deal with it all better.
It’s harder than it seems.
I still feel so terribly guilty for ignoring her accidental messages a few weeks back. The temptation to look at them, to reply or message her, it’s unbearable. But I keep away because all it will do is open the wound – right now I do not see that having any pros for me. just a bunch of horrible feelings and pain – all cons.
I wake up every day and check my phone for messages, not specifically from her, although I do always hope there is one. It’s an odd feeling – wanting, more than anything, to see someone you love, but at the same time not wanting to see them because it would just hurt too much (as things currently stand)…
I am trying to get past this negativity and focus on trying to build some confidence, something I lack, and try to keep it.
My question is this: How do I build confidence when I do not believe anything I say to myself? It’s hard to build that when you feel so low.
I’ll continue with what I’m doing, working on being more positive. Try to spend some time healing myself. And try to be as selfish (in a good way) as is needed.
I know this post is not quite the emotional revelation I promised, but as you can probably tell, I am finding it difficult to deal with everything and right now I don’t feel that comfortable sharing everything – in truth I don’t yet feel I could word it that succinctly either.
I’ll try and work my way to a position where I can open up and share the true depth of my feelings but, in the meantime, i’ll just need to carry on working through it all.
I know I’ll get there and if I have to, I’ll carry this love to my grave. I don’t regret a single thing – feeling what I feel, even now, is worth it. She is worth it.