Everyday Struggles…

Today is a Sunday. It’s been a tough one so far.

I had planned to meet with a friend, we were going to have a catch-up and try and help each other out a little. She’s also going through something tough right now – the idea we had was that maybe we’d be able to listen and empathise with each other a little.

I started to get anxious about going whilst we were planning the time and place, and to be honest, it was all a little too much. I wanted to see her (it’s been a long while) and I wanted the chat. It’s always nice to get someone else’s perspective on your troubles.

I’m sitting here now getting anxious about the work meal tonight, instead of being out and talking through things with my friend. The truth is I thought that going over everything with my friend would be too much when combined with going out tonight.

I’m trying really hard to busy my mind and not worry so much, but I am not succeeding very well. In fact, these past few days I’ve struggled more so than I have in the past couple of weeks. It might not seem like that as I don’t really post that much when I’m doing ok.

My friend wanted to meet in Ramsgate, that’s a long way for me to travel to, and back from and then calm myself and go out tonight as well. I didn’t want to try and do too much and just break down at either place.

Sounds silly when I think it, but I’m a little on edge and the anxiety is quite a loud voice in my head these past few days. So I’m playing it safe.

Tonight, at 7.30pm I’m heading over to the Chiquito’s near my work, for our work meal (mainly to say by to a couple of people who’ve left (or soon will be).

It’s going to be tough and I know I’m going to be really anxious, but I probably won’t eat much and just have the one drink. I’m not really up for it, but I kind of have to show up as I’m friends with the people leaving (one I’ll probably never see again so it’d be a shame to miss it too).

It does mean I won’t be home to go for my evening walk, but maybe that’s a good thing? I will probably need a chill out after the meal so when I’m dropped off home, I might go for a short walk along the seafront then.

I’ve been using Instagram more and more this past couple of weeks, just to share an image and a few words every evening, when I go for my walks. It’s an odd social media to use, but I find something calming in the images shared along with my feelings.

I want to open up, to what I’m really feeling about (E) right now, why I’m scared about my future and why I think it hurts so much. But I’m a little worried about sharing it. I miss having her here in my life. So very much. I’m trying not to think about her, or at least divert my attention when I do, but she’s still on my mind all the time. Up until recently, I hadn’t dreamt about her much, but maybe later I’ll share the latest dream.

I’ll work on sharing how I really feel about everything. Maybe next week if I can bring myself to write the words…

I am struggling to finish a poem that will have the same topic, but I’m yet to be able to finish it. I have a few moving lines. It is a target I’m setting for myself though – finish it by my week off (and a free, calm, house) in july…


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