A couple of bad days…

I’m writing this as I’ve just got in from work. I finished at 4. But got in at nearly 6. 

But i do get to walk along the beach on the way home – small victory.

These past few days have been a bit of a dip for me. I’ve been really struggling with things and my mind is starting to slip into overthinking mode too often for my liking. 

It seems like just as I’ve diverted my mind from one bout, another rears its ugly head.

Of course the overthinking is about myself, how I’m doing, feeling, looking. But the hardest things, the most upsetting times, are when a thought centred around (E) pops up. In fact, sometimes they’re not even directly about her, they just lead to her indirectly.

They’re difficult to navigate andy, whilst it’s a struggle to then not get frustrated or angry at myself for thinking such things, i am try my hardest to be positive and kind to myself.

Of course it doesn’t always work and i upset myself or get a little (codeword for a lot) anxious about my surroundings. But i am trying to be better.

I know i still need to let go, i dont know why i still haven’t. Maybe it’s because i said to her i wouldn’t stop feeling this way. Maybe it’s because I’m always going to feel this way and im fighting that thought rather than accepting it. Maybe I’m just overthinking it all and it’s just going to sort itself out with time.

I just know that being at work and seeing that other girl confuses me. I don’t really feel anything for her. She’s just very much like (E) in some ways. I should say her personality is very, very, different from (E). Although i have to say that the sheer fact that my mind automatically compares anyone to (E) shows im not ready for anything yet – which is great news in a way (i certainly am not up for something even remotely intimate).

Anyway I said I’d start keeping these shorter, so i shall end this one here.

Hopefully 3 days off will do me good. 

Although inam a little anxious about the work meal im meant to be going to tomorrow…


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