Keeping up with my thoughts…

So, what do I say?

I want to keep writing on here because I feel it’s a good let out for my emotions and my thoughts. But the truth is that when I actually sit down to write a post, my emotions are all over the place.

When I settle myself and try to take stock, it’s like my brain gets’s so frustrated at losing the game it flips the table. My heart is the one trying to pick the pieces up and make sense of it all.

Every time I have the pieces in my hand and begin to make some sort of sense of it all, someone bumps into me and I drop them all again.

Yesterday was the hardest day I’ve had in a long, long time…

I really struggled and was very close to giving in and breaking down.

It was all I could do to not cry my eyes out the every time I was alone at work. I just couldn’t control it very well yesterday. I think it all started with me a little too awake on the way to work. My brother started at the same time so he dropped me off. The problem is he listens to music. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? The song he had playing on the way to work just hit hard. I can’t remember the song or the specifics of the lyrics. All I know is that it reminded me of (E).

So, I tried to push it from my mind.

It didn’t work that well, I tried to talk about other things, keep myself busy, but it was just not one of those days. It was like every time I had a few seconds to myself my brain decided to overthink. It started thinking about things and how they ended. Honestly, I thought I was past all this.

I managed to talk my mind around and was kind to myself whilst doing it. However, this kept happening, and every time it got harder and harder to succeed and push my focus away. I tried to remember what my counsellor had said about being positive and kind. And how negativity only leads to me moving backwards.

So, I continued to try and push on, I held back the tears and tried to push past the pain my brain/heart were, for some strange reason, content in bringing up over and over.

It was starting to work and I was able to talk about it to a colleague. As I was mid-way through a conversation with my colleague, my anxiety suddenly spiked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a girl, the same height as (E), same body shape, similar mannerisms, the way she walked was almost exact. I genuinely thought, just for a second or two, that it was her. Words cannot explain the swelling of emotion and the conflict that swell brought with it.

I got excited, giddy almost. All before realising the reality of the situation: even if it was her, there’d be no happy moment. Just awkwardness and pain. A vast difference from what things used to be like.

I got upset, I held on to my control and managed to level myself out. But this girl kept walking past my department. Every time I saw (E), just images in my mind, but they flashed and the fact that I couldn’t stop it really got to me. It was just pain shovelled on top of pain. I managed to hold onto my emotions, I stepped off my department and just let a few tears out, centred myself and went back to work. It hurt, and it kept hurting, but I just tried to carry on pushing past it. Get me to the end of my shift, I’ll deal with it all then… That’s all I kept telling myself.

To add to this emotional stress, there’s a cute girl at work. I hate having to admit that I find her attractive but I do. I have no intention of pursuing it, nor do I even think there’d be a chance if I did. Mainly because it’s pretty obvious I’m very much still hung up on (E).

It wouldn’t be fair to me or anyone I choose to get involved with, I’d hate to do to someone else what was done to me – intentional or not.

So, there’s this girl. And yes I find her attractive. I see her most of my shifts at work. But I hate it. My friend told me she’s got a really annoying voice and is very immature, but without seeing it my brain won’t stop these confusing emotions.

I don’t want to like anyone right now. I want to let these feelings for (E) to dissipate if that’s even possible. So, I’ve pushed away from the thoughts of this girl, I’m not interested – and I’m pretty sure she’s not currently, or will ever be, interested in me. So, all this worrying this confusion and anxiety, it’s all an added pain. And the sad truth is, it’s all created by my brain to fill a void that was left by (E). Not her fault so much as it’s a natural process I imagine.

I just want to get to a place where I can be happy. Or at least, get to a place where I can feel level and not be so upset all the time. I genuinely feel like I’m always just a few bad thoughts away from tears. It feels so hopeless like if I dwell on it a little too long it’s a bottomless pit that I won’t ever get out of.

The worst thing about it is the over thinking makes me think about things that happened, I begin to over-analyse every situation I was ever in. Every situation I was ever in with (E).

I’m trying to keep my mind positive and move on with things, I’ve tried to start my writing back up, to give myself something to work towards. But, every day I struggle to keep things going. It’s strange that the knowledge of no counselling sessions has knocked me, mentally, more than I thought it would.

I have to keep going, I still go out every night 8.30pm-9pm for a bit of peace and to practice some mindful meditation. It also allows me some time alone – to just be.

A friend has a leaving do on Sunday – I’m going to try going to that, mainly to say bye, but also to see how I do out in a group of people. I know I’ll struggle, but i have to try – for my own sense of self-confidence.

I know I said I’d try and keep these short and sweet, but the truth is I find it hard to write these things down some days. I’m either upset or tired. Which makes thinking about things so much harder. Here’s hoping something changes, something works out for me. I’m trying my best and I suppose that’s all I can do!

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