So, yesterday I had my final counselling session. I was going to write a post last night but decided against it because I had some things to work through and wanted to clear my head a little first…
It went relatively well. It started with a lot of feedback paperwork and a couple of ‘how have i been’ questionnaires (just one more than usual).
Once that was out of the way, we spoke about how my past week had been. I opened up about how it was going relatively well, in that I was being kinder to myself slowly, how i’d started looking into the meditation, and how I’d been able to temper my frustrations about my thoughts not being where i want them.
It was, after all, a good week.
We spoke, at length, about the messages i received from (E) and how they made me feel. I opened up about the conflict i had about replying or ignoring them. I hate to use the term ignoring as it doesn’t have a very nice context. But the truth is I did ignore them.
I said how every inch of my strength and self-control was used to stop myself from replying – I wanted, so much, to speak to her again. I spoke about how I felt bad for not replying, but at the same time tried to put my feelings first and realised that if i’d replied, it would not have resulted in the conversation I wanted to hear. I would’ve just ended up hurt, again.
I said how confused i got, how out of sorts my brain felt, that i leant on a friend who helped before calming myself down a little and being kind to myself and talking about how it was ok to feel these feelings, instead of getting frustrated and cursing myself for the same feelings. It felt good to be nice to myself.
We then went on to discuss my anxiety and how that bled into the next day. How, when it’s heightened, it can be a serious problem.
Whilst speaking about my weekend to her, she saw I was getting more and more anxious, and told me to stop. She asked me to just stop and breathe deeply. As I took breaths in she asked me to concentrate on them and just be. So I did.
I felt myself letting go of the anxiety and my arm, that had started to shake, calmed to a normal halt in activity. After a minute or two of this we carried on talking and although what we discussed did raise my anxiety again, I managed to keep it under control.
That was a huge win for me.
It’s something I can now attempt when at work or when in a situation like I found myself Friday night. When the anxiety becomes heightened I can now attempt to fight the hold it’s always garnered from me.
At least in theory. It’ll be a little different employing it in real world situations, away from the safety net of the counselling room, but one i intend to employ with the intention to have it work…
That all aside, as the title suggests, this was the last of my sessions given by the referral I got back in January. I feel a little tossed out in the cold now they’re done but I also feel much better now than I did back then. Certainly much better in that I can actually talk to people without bursting into tears! How silly i feel about all that now!
I have asked for some more sessions, and based on my very real scores, my counsellor believes they will give me another 4-6 sessions after another wait (which could be up to 12weeks!). Hopefully it won’t be as long a wait as last time but you never know!
I have to try and remember to keep doing what I have been in fighting the negativity and working on being kind to myself – so that it becomes as automatic as the negativity is now.
I still feel what I feel about (E), that is not going away, so rather than fight those feelings, this love, I need to accept it, and try to move forward with my life. My life with her no longer in it.
I will always wish things had gone differently, I will always want her back. But right now, I need to find out what being happy and alone feels like. And that means no one. No ‘distractions’ as my friend calls them and sadly, no (E).
Again, I need to focus on my feelings and how i feel about things and less about other people. Just for a change.
I will still keep writing these posts, hopefully they’ll get shorter and sweeter over time, I’ll even keep sharing my progress over instagram (at the moment i’m getting to experience some emotionally brilliant sunsets) and with a little time, effort, and a lot of luck, I’ll improve. Enough to go out and be myself, anxiety, emotions, luggage, and all!
Emotions being the key one – I’m still very much prone to a burst of tears here and there. Sill memories keep reminding me of (E) and again – they’re not going anywhere, so i need to learn to just smile when I have them, being happy and sad at the same time is a very strange feeling indeed!
Until next time, thanks for reading everyone!