Pre-warning… This post will probably be a little erratic. I’m a bit spun out, as the title would suggest. So please bear with me as I try to settle my thoughts…
This pain is surreal. How it lingers. How it stings.
I thought it would get better with time, I thought I would heal faster than this.
This past week I’ve been trying to put into practice that which my counsellor suggested. I have tried, with every inch of my self-control, to be kinder to myself and less negative. It has not always worked but when I catch myself not being kind or positive I’ve tried to stop the frustration and instead be understanding. Generally, i’m aiming to be kinder to myself wherever I can.
It’s hard to do when becoming frustrated with my own failings comes so naturally.
I have started to try and allow myself to let go of negativity, when I’m at work and I get angry, I try to offload that anger in any positive way I find. It’s very hard when I hate my job and most days I feel like I’m the only one doing any real work but it’s something I have to continue to improve on – if I am to progress, as well as for my own peace of mind.
I’ve been using my evening outings to try and meditate, ‘try’ being the operative word in that phrase, i have no idea what I’m doing but the idea is to be in the present moment and let go of worries, the past, the future, everything that is contrary to the singular moment I am experiencing.
I know it sounds a little mad – I think my own pessimism on the subject is blocking me from making full use of it. I’m trying to break that down and give myself over as I have found it does have its benefits…
I suppose now I have to talk about a slight wobble i experienced recently.
I mentioned that I thought i might be burying my feelings and not really dealing with them? I was not wrong.
Friday night, when I went out for a walk, I looked up at the bench I sit on. I don’t know why but I half expected to see her up there. Silly really. But these feelings peaked through just a little, enough for me to look out of curiosity. Of course, there was no one there. I laughed to myself when I realised what i was doing and mumbled ‘silly’ under my breath, to myself.
At that moment my phone went off. I looked at it, out of reaction more than anything. It was a message from her i was met with. Well, i say message, it was a simple ‘thumbs up’ emoji. It was sent via Facebook messenger so, i can very much imagine it was a mistake (I’ve done it all too often before).
I opened the message and archived it. I couldn’t face seeing our messages in my inbox again. I couldn’t bring myself to delete the conversation when I removed it before.
A minute or so later, i got an apology message. It simply stated she was sorry and that she had not meant to send it.
I left it unread (before later reading and archiving that too) because my anxiety had kicked in after the first message. It was not her fault, so much as my mind suddenly kicked into high gear. I was so preoccupied with the fact that she’d popped up on my phone I’d forgotten to try and stop my overthinking.
I say that as if it was a process I had any real control over at that moment. The truth is my mind went haywire. She’s always spun me out, in what used to be the best way, and it was always difficult to focus on anything other than her. Because she is so darn brilliant.
I panicked, i worried, i over thought to the extreme and all that did was add fuel to the fire that was my anxiety. It started as a ball of electric like feeling in my chest and as i spiralled more and more, it spread across my entire upper body. My nerves tingled and i had this butterfly feeling in my stomach.
Before, when I used to see her, it was a joyous feeling. It made me feel amazing. Now, well now it just made me feel a little sick. I don’t mean to be harsh, but the nervous feeling, combined with the negativity i have in my mind (and that supplied by my overthinking) just sent that once joyous feeling in the other, not so joyous, direction…
I started to say things like “why are you punishing me?” And “why wont you let me move on?” Among other negative comments. All directed at myself, of course.
Im at war with my own mind becausei want to hear from her and i want her in my life. Hell, i miss her so darn much! But at the same time it’s painful because i want more than she does. And i cannot dial that down right now. So, as painful as it is, i feel as though i have to step away from it all.
But, after sitting down, crying a little, and speaking with a friend, I was able to calm myself. The funny thing is, i was able to be kind to myself. I spoke to myself all the way home, “it’s ok to feel like this, you don’t have to be angry, it’s ok to cry and be sad, you love her, of course, it’s ok to be sad”… I said things like that to myself instead of the usual negative thoughts. I don’t know why, but they took more than any other night.
That positive feeling bled into the next day (Saturday) a little. I shed a few tears on the way to work, but the second bus was early and that picked my spirits up a little. When I got to work i tried to keep a positive attitude but it was difficult. It became even more difficult when people mentioned how well i seemed. That I came across happier and more myself. It’s strange but people saying that to me knocks me back.
My anxiety was quite potent whilst i was at work constantly worrying about what people were thinking about me, and how people were taking what i said. A lack of conviction and confidence in my voice and mind were was present throughout the day.
When i went out that evening, it was to try and meditate again, it worked somewhat, but i still found it difficult to let go of my feelings for (E). All those feelings that i thought I was pushing away? Turns out i was pushing them down. Burying them. When her face popped up on my phone, it all rushed t the surface. Everything at once. It was overwhelming and the anxiety of waiting to see what she’d say next was unbearable. The truth is I still am very much in love. It’s not budging.
I know it’s over, I know things are done. But my feelings are still there. Which makes things difficult. It makes it hard. I didn’t know what to do when she messaged me. Like i said above i imagine it was a genuine mistake. What do I say? How do i say it? Those were the words racing through my mind. In the end, I realised that it didn’t matter what i said. It would hurt all the same. I could be honest and get hurt when she didn’t say what i want to hear, or i could lie to her and myself, hurting myself with the lies about how I’m ok and fine. In the end, i simply ignored the messages. I feel awful. I hate that I’ve done that. That I didn’t respond. But what is the point? I’d only hurt myself and undo all the hard work I’ve done so far.
If she came back to me and told me she still loved me and wanted me back, what scares me is that I don’t know what I’d say. I’d want to say yes, ok let’s try. But always in the back of my mind is the voice saying ‘but she hurt you’.
Like i said, I’m so spun out right now. I’ve been out tonight (Sunday) and cried a hell of a lot. I found myself gently rubbing my hands across one another. I even stroked the underneath of my arm at one point. Whilst thinking of her.
That’s a slippery slope of memory that always leads to sadness and more tears. I allowed the thoughts in, crying them out, and then walked home – trying again to be positive. Failing this time.
I sit here wide awake, spun out, with my mind pulling in several different directions. All I want is a hug, and for someone to say it’ll all be ok. But there’s no one else here, and I don’t believe it when I say the words…
I always thought when I fell in love it would be fantastic. I was not wrong. I just didn’t expect it to end so soon. That said, I wanted her to be happy with me, but if that’s not possible, i still want her to be happy regardless. So I truly hope she is.
Now if only i could nail this meditation and self care thing…
p.s. this was a bit of a mish mash post, when my heads on a little straighter I will attempt to maybe write another post saying how i felt about this little blip. Until then, I should try and sleep. I have my last counselling session at 12noon tomorrow. I want to be at least slightly rested before then!
Until tomorrow night, adieu.