7/8 almost through, nowhere near healed..

I tried to write this yesterday. To no avail. I simply couldn’t write anything that conveyed that which I felt or intended to share.

So, I slept on it. Truth is I don’t really know what I feel other than the obvious hurdle involving feelings for (E).

I struggle every day to try and sort my head out, my feelings setting the backdrop.

The sessions are doing what they are meant to, in that they’re helping me understand the issues I have and they act as support for me as I try to combat those issues.

I’ve said this before but recently I’ve come to understand myself a little more so it helps to re-share…

I overthink. Not a rare issue to have, a lot of people suffer from overthinking and the negativity doing so brings. But it is a serious issue. It can cripple you, bring you crashing down from any happiness you allow yourself to feel, and it can do so almost instantaneously…

I find moments where I feel somewhat my normal self, not happy but not sad. Whether those moments are with friends, my brother, or by myself, doesn’t seem to matter because overthinking always sneaks its way in. If it doesn’t bring me down directly, it does it indirectly through my frustration at not being able to keep the happiness at face value.

It happens all the time and a lot of the time it brings me down without me consciously realising it.

But I am getting better at catching myself. I’ve got a long way to go and I need to be much kinder to myself when I do catch it. But the good news is that I am catching it at all…

Automatically Negative.

I know I shared this one before but it is a big one. And it’s something that is just not as easy as it sounds. I’ve got to be kinder to myself, more loving and not so harsh and negative. The problem is I’ve gone my entire life being subtly negative to myself. Sure, being a little self-deprecating can be endearing and is humble. But there’s a line and going over that line you become less endearing and more damaging.

The trouble I’m having is that I’ve always been rather harsh on myself. I always blame myself, for things I’ve done and for things other people have done. I always find a way of punishing myself. It’s an automatic response and it’s something that is incredibly hard to fight. It’s not like I tell myself I’m ugly, or that I’m useless and worthless. It’s far more subtle than that. It’s that moment just as you’re about to talk to someone but that little voice in your head does everything it can to get you to look down and away. The voice that sticks up for you is shouted out. That’s how I feel almost all of the time. It’s frustrating and it’s almost like a self-defeat before I’ve even begun. Like I said, it’s frustrating…

It’s hard fighting the very things you’ve come to realise are natural thoughts. It’s even more difficult when you realise getting better means trying to manoeuvre your brain into a whole new way of thinking. At the very least I need to be able to accept a nice positive word or two here and there…

My counsellor suggested meditation, in the form of mindfullness. Because it is obvious that my brain is happy to live in the future or the past. It never just relaxes and focuses on the present moment.

I have to agree with that diagnosis. I often feel bad because of the past, and worry myself into anxiety about what’s to come. 

The whole relationship with (E) showed me that I can push through it all and be calmer. I was still an awful overthinker but i was able to, at times, push it away and focus on there and then. Although it certainly helps when i had someone so darn captivating to focus on!

I need to find some form of meditation that helps me focus on the present moment. My counsellor gave me somewhere to start and just said keep going until i find one that i enjoy or find helpful. 

I have yet to find anything that seems to work just yet. But she said it would take time to feel like i could make the most of it.

So, as messed up as my head is, im very hopeful i can, given time, try and change the way i think about everything, curtailing my penchant for over thinking and worrying, and in the process find happiness inside myself.

What makes it so difficult is that my feelings for (E) are still so heartachingly strong. I imagine in time I’ll learn to live with them better, in a way that doesn’t cause so much pain, but the truth is they’re the source of so much overthinking and worrying that it’s hard to think about much else. At the moment,  all thoughts lead back to (E). 

Again, it’s something to work on. And as much as my friends say trying to find someone else to distract me would be a good idea, it’s the last thing i want to do. 

I can’t imagine being with anyone else right now, so it’s not something I really like thinking about 😦 

Anyway, I’ve rambled on far too much this time. If you got to the end of this post, congratulations, here’s a picture of a sunset i took myself, recently…

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