Last night was difficult to wake from. I slept through the night (from what I remember) but I had another dream. About (E).
This one was a little more subtle but I still woke with tears. Silly, I know, but something about these dreams just feels a little too real.
I’ll discuss the dream briefly but whilst it woke me with tears, it has not spun me out like the last few have. I feel sadness, and I do feel upset but I am handling it much better, keeping the emotions inside more (instead of letting them flow outwards, freely).
It started off with me and (E) walking through a city. It looked like London but the sea was right alongside us (possibly somewhere like canary wharf). As we walked, we mentioned how quiet it was, it was easter Sunday so hardly anyone else was about.
As we stopped by the beach, I showed her the view I’d photographed and filmed before. It was a sandy beach, water lapping at the shore, there were some basalt columns sticking out of the sand creating a kind of layered-look to the shoreline. With the sun setting in shades of pink, red, orange, and yellow, the view was rather breathtaking. Romantic too.
It reminded me, somewhat, of our walk along the white cliffs of Dover, on our way back to her car we took some pictures of the sun setting. The view then was quite romantic too.
The date, which is what it was, was unusual for some reason, and the plan I had in my mind was to win her an easter egg at some event happening nearby.
We headed into a building and as I followed her in, almost in a daze at being back with her, we found a bench and sat down. She touched my hand and said she’d hired the lane out for us. In a combination of confusion and shock at what she’d said I looked up, startled. She’d been talking about a lane at a bowling alley. I was looking at it right then, the polished wooden effect leading up to the white pins. As she picked up a ball, she looked back at me sitting there and simply said, with a smile on her face;
“you won’t beat me this time old man” – the smile on her face made my heart melt but her words made me laugh.
“Go ahead, give it your best shot young lady,” I said as I got up to find a ball myself.
As I got to the edge of the lane I looked back and saw her smiling at me. She made a waving motion with her hands – as if she was ushering me to take my shot.
I did, and as the ball rolled down the lane, I turned away and walked back to the bench. I sat beside her and we watched the ball roll towards the pins. It was going well wide. As we watched, she leant in and we hugged. We sat there and watched my ball miss, her getting a spare on her go, “beat you!” she laughed as she squeezed me tightly.
That was when I woke up. Do you understand the tears? I don’t know why I dream these things, I’d rather not in all honesty. They upset and hurt me, and make me sad.
I didn’t have my counselling session this week, but next weeks might be important as I intend to ask about why these dreams keep occurring and how best to deal with the emotions they stir up. I know I think about her all the time, that’s obvious, and whilst I’m getting better at not showing these emotions I’m not sure I’m really dealing with them as well as I thought. Hence looking forward to my counselling session.
Anyway, time to sleep some more before work in the morning. I’m not looking forward to it, but having watched Guardians of the Galaxy 2 for the second time (and crying at the same bit as the first time) I can go in having enjoyed my afternoon today…