I bring this post to you from a different bench than usual…
Some lowly chav-like group have accosted my usual sitting place and, as i type, are drinking their evening away.
Good for them.
Anyway, on to this post…
Relief has a funny way of allowing me to calm myself. Just for a short time but I’ll happily take even a few seconds.
The relief i talk about is me having finished my 4 days at work to now try and enjoy my 3 day reprieve (before doing it all again next week).
I’ve been thinking about how to day went. And i didnt cover myself in glory at first but as the day went on it got a little better.
However, there are pressures that, whilst unspoken, i feel are there.
First let’s look at how my day started… i woke up having slept through most of the night (waking briefly around 4am, and then 5am, before getting up at 6am).
Whilst it is still not sleeping right through, i have slowly begun to notice a lack of consistency with my waking. It’s no longer 2-4am all the time, without fail.
When i woke, i showered and got ready for work. I didn’t really feel too upset, nor did i feel much of anything to be honest.
It was only when i stood waiting for the bus did it all start to appear. It was almost like my mind just needed to wake up. When it had, tears flowing did occur.
It was not my proudest moment, sitting on a busy #8 bus with extremely watery eyes. I didn’t notice anyone staring – so that’s something.
When i got off the bus, i walked the 10 (ish) minutes around the corner to my work. Tears still welling up.
I managed to choke them as i clocked in and made my way to my department. I’m determined to show my manager I can cope.
As the day went on i had the usual ups and downs. Sometimes I’ll be smiling with a friend or wven laugh at a funny thing. But then? Before i know it, i can be welling with tears and so close to crying it hurts to hold them in. It’s so tiring.
The truth is i feel a lot right now.
I feel disappointment at being let down.
I feel pain for the loss of someone i love.
I feel hurt for the way it was handled.
I feel insecure in myself.
I feel like nothing was what i thought.
I feel so lost.
I feel like someone, that i put so much effort into, just walking away like that was plain mean.
I feel like one minute im coping only to come crashiny down the next.
I feel anger at myself for feeling the way i do.
I feel frustrated at all these emotions, but most of all, even with all that (and more) going on…
I still feel so incredibly in love.
And it hurts. And it’s tiring. And it’s getting old, fast.
My mind won’t stay quiet for much longer, that’s why i try and go for these walks/outings in the evening. To help quiet my overthinking mind.
It’s getting to be around the right time for very spectacular sunsets, with the sun setting on a visible horizon locally around the time i go out (the two images in this post showcase some of the more recent ones ive seen). So, at least i have a good view, regardless of whether i cry or not!
A positive to end on: i dont feel much genuine positivity towards anything right now, but as i sit here, tonight, humbled by this sunset;
I am truly grateful for where i now live. I’ve moved a mere mile or 2 (ish) down the road and yet I’m able to see stars a plenty in the night sky as well as sunsets like this, as often as i choose. That is something positive. That is something nice.