Trying to hold on to progress…

Ok, so yesterday was a very hard day.

I let loose on here whilst in a very emotional state. But I’m not going to apologise. I’m not going to promise (again) that it won’t happen again.

I’m not going to promise that because the truth is I have hardly anyone to talk too. So I need to let it out somehow. Yes, it’s raw and probably over the top (everything is when you’re that emotional). But everything I say is the truth, it’s what I feel at the time.

So, whilst I hope not to be in a situation like that again, if I do find myself distraught with emotion, please forgive my outbursts.

The truth is in the past 3 months since she broke things off, nothing has changed. She said then she had feelings for her ex. So, it was inevitable they’d get back together (she’s a wonderful person, anyone would be lucky to have her in their life).

I suppose I always retained some level of hope, out of foolish optimism or just sheer sstupidity, part of me always hoped she might find her way back to me.

That’s been stripped away from me and, like rubbing salt in an open wound, it hurt like nothing else on this earth.

It was literally like opening a closing wound and just jabbing at the exposed flesh. The pain was unbareable.

I’m not proud of my outbursts, nor am I proud of the feelings I feel right now.

The truth is I feel foolish, stupid, silly. Because I sit here, in bed with a tear in my eye, still very much in love with her. Even though I know that nothing will ever come of it.

I’ve had a torrid day, I’ve spent my time putting together my new desk. Something I’ve been excited about for weeks. That excitement eluded me today.

I also went to see Gaurdians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 with my brother this afternoon. And whilst it made me forget my troubles for nigh on 2 hours, there was one moment, near the end, when Star Lord looks at Gammorah and just says ‘What?’ – in that moment I smiled. And cried, a lot.

I just need to keep a hold of the progress I’ve been making in myself. I really am my own worst enemy right now. I need to focus on myself and try to fight those negative thoughts. No matter how powerful they are right now.

I hate myself for how I feel. I hate myself for letting things affect me so much. I hate that I finally found someone I love, only for them not to love me back.

But I need to remember: Feeling things is natural. I’m only human, and of course things will affect me. I’m not a robot. I need to be happy I ever felt love for someone. No matter how hard it is to believe the positive I need to try.

I’m still crying at silly times. I cry when I laugh (embarrassing) and even when I’m at work, there are moments that just overwhelm me. I just need to keep going. I Just wish these feelings, these memories would vacate my mind!


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