Discarded, again.

Im trying so hard to hold on to all the hard work ive done getting myself to feel better. To get from the depressed emotional mess of 3 months ago and be the slightly less emotional depressed mess i am now.

It might sound like a joke, like it’s not much of a change, but to me it’s a world of difference between now and then.

But last night i found out that (E) is back with her ex. And finding that out was like taking a punch in the chest from superman. I kind of feel like a husk today.

I can’t even begin yo describe how painful that is. I still had the smallest bit of hope she might come back. Now i just feel silly.

I feel stupid and foolish for feeling this way about her. For still loving her. 

I foolish and stupid because i thought she was a big deal for me. No, i know she was a big deal for me. But instead of going anywhere im back in the same place i always end up: discarded for someone else.

I hate feeling things for people who don’t feel them back, but right now i truly hate that i love her. I dont hate her, but i hate that i love her still. 

How do you live with this love? With this pain? With knowing you’re just not good enough for the person you feel so strongly for?!

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