I once promised myself, and every viewer of this blog that i would not post when highly emotional.
Whilst I’ve toyed with that promise before tonight, tonight i have well and truly decimated that promise. Tonight i write this truly heart broken. A heart in tatters.
It’s clear to me that I’ve been kidding myself from the beginning. That i would ever find happiness so easily.
The truth is, it was never my happiness to begin with. I was nothing more than a atop gap. A piece of shattered glass under her feet. I just didnt know it yet.
I dont hate her, im not angry. Im just heartbroken. And it hurts. I thought I’d passed by this pain. And yet it’s as fresh as it ever was.
What is the point of being in love if it hurts this much. I am grateful for being able to say i loved someone. But the truth is i dont think they ever truly loved me back. Im sick of being the one that always gets hurt. It’s why i shut myself away. Why i borded up the windows.
Now i truly regret taking them down.
I want to move past this pain. More than ever before. But being used to fill a void, that was never truly mine to fill?
I don’t really know how to handle that.
The stupid thing is, I’d been making progress on my confidence and anxiety, on being nice to myself. I’m trying not to lose that progress. But this pain is so immense.
I hate feeling things this much. It’s brutal and merciless.