5/8 – realising a few things…

In my last post, I mentioned not feeling much of anything? When I sit still, focus my breathing and just try to sort through my emotions – I feel little of anything. No sadness, no happiness, no anger. I did feel nervous and my anxiety was bubbling away but there was a pain also in attendance.

The pain is from my heartbreak. I’ve been doing ok in covering it up and trying to take my mind off it – at least in recent weeks. Sure, I break down and have bad days and on those days it is really hard to cover up that pain. I cry a little and let it out – then I try again to move on.

Anyway, moving on to this weeks’ counseling session…

I was nervous like usual, an impending sense of doom took over me as I sat in my brothers’ car (he’s been a bit of my personal taxi service for these sessions – he’s been rather good through all this). The nerves and anxiety started to play up because I knew that I’d be going over my feelings and how I have been in general since last weeks’ session. Silly to be nervous about such a thing but the pain is still so real when I talk about my feelings and anything to do with (E).

Once I entered the room, I felt a little bit calmer and a little bit tense at the same time. It’s very unnerving. But I pushed through it and once I got talking I relaxed a little. Enough to really open up, carrying on my progress.

I told her how I’d felt this past week, about overwhelming myself by talking with my friend about things. It overwhelmed me because talking about how I was back when I was at uni, specifically with her, was meant to be closure, for us both. However, it went from a really nice catch-up and conversation with an old friend and into a torturous mental-self-harming session without me realising. I overwhelmed myself with negativity and just painful memories. That knocked on into the rest of the week and really brought me down.

I had a dream I don’t remember last Tuesday that had me waking up with that excited feeling of seeing (E) only for me to realise almost instantly that it was just a dream. That was heart-breaking.

I spoke about how I don’t feel confident in anything I say or do, how it as always affected me. Especially with girls. I told her about how I had to serve someone at work recently and how I fumbled things because I looked at the girl and just panicked. Natural nervous overload.

We spoke at length about that and how I am always quick to put myself down and/or not say anything positive about myself.

It’s true in that I’m very quick to put myself down. Usually without realising it. It’s not something I set out to do, it’s just an automatic thing I do. Which makes it harder for me to combat.

She asked if I knew I was doing it? To which I said no. I tend to always think about things as much as possible – to make sure I’ve tried to see all angles – but that falls into my over thinking and that in turn damages my confidence, because I’m always second guessing every thought I ever have.

It’s something I’ve always done and I’m only now realising that it’s always been there, a part of my thought process.

Hopefully, knowing I am like that will help me catch it when I do it. It won’t happen overnight or even in a few weeks but given time, I’m hopeful that I can get to a place where I can feel confident in my own thoughts and words.

Without worrying about what I said and the million-and-one ways it could have been taken…

There was more I went over in this session and more things that were brought to my attention. But those I wish to keep to myself until I’ve had a chance to explore them and speak with the counsellor again next week. Simply because I’m not sure I understand them, at least not entirely.

Right now I’m shattered. My brain feels like jelly because it’s been on 150% burn since I don’t know when. I need to figure out a way I can relax and try to turn my mind off. It’s hard, really hard.

So, I’m going to go out for my walk at 8.30pm, sit on the bench I always do, try and calm my mind before I come home and try to relax. That’s the plan at least.


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