So. I’ll be honest here… I have no idea what the point of this post is. I think i just felt like sharing how I’ve been feeling all day, how i feel right now…
Which is more difficult than you might think. I know how i feel about certain people, even my current situation. But how i feel, right as i type this? Honwstly? As scary as it is to admit it, right now at least, feelings evade me.
I don’t feel anything. And yet i still find myself producing tears. They’re just there.
I know i have to push through this, and i will, but in the depths of it all, it’s a fight to hold on. Every second is like a tug of war. My sanity is holding on and using all its strength, whilst the negative thoughts and self-loathing pull back. Twice as hard.
Ive made progress in that i can tell, sometimes, when im having negative thoughts. I am yet to find a successful way to stop them but knowing they’re there is a good start.
My main problem is my memory. It’s astoundingly good at allowing me access to a-grade torture material. Whether i want access or not…
Whether it is the intensely emotional dreams that rock the boat that i find myself precariously stood in, or initially unnasuming thoughts that slowly build and threaten to push me overboard, either way, the feelings these thoughts give rise to are dangerous and painful.
When i go out for my 30minutes walk/sit down every night, i dont go and beg the stars for her to come back. I hope that she’s there, everytime i walk that path, but i no longer expect it.
I go out now because it gives me time to relax. To calm my mind. To let out the emotion that builds up inside of me.
Before i met (E) i never knew how to feel these things. She opened my eyes, my mind, and most impressively – my heart.
The hinges have flown off the doors of my heart, and the feelings, the love, the admiration, the respect – all for (E) – are pouring out.
Fixing those doors is not easy. It’s like trying to shut a door whilst water is rushing through it. Nigh on impossible.
So, i go out and let those feelings, those intense emotions, out. Releasing the pressure on my heart.
I over think. I worry about what was, what is, and what will (and will not) be. But im working on that.
I fell in love. Im still very much in love. And that’s why it hurts. It’s the only thing i know, for certain.
I’ve never met someone so beautiful. Im not talking just about her looks. Was she stunningly pretty? Yes! More than i have words to describe.
But she’s so much more than that. Her intelligence was gravitational. Her way of thinking, of acting, she was so damn endearing. There were levels deeper to how i felt. But these things i just cannot say in here. All i can say is that my feelings are as real as the day i first stumbled through saying those words to her.
I can’t change the way she feels and i dont want to. I simply want her to be happy. If that’s not with me. Then it’s not with me.
It doesn’t make me feel any better, but it’s the truth.
I have session #5 tomorrow, and i have no idea how it’ll be, or what will be said. But i know im improving, as far as my overthinking goes. If only in that i can sometimes catch myself before it’s too late.
In spite of the maelstrom of thoughts currently ravaging my head, i will now take my leave for an attempt at sleep.
I hope the above makes sense. I’m sure it might to someone reading. Not sure it does to me, just yet…