It’s been a few days since i last posted anything. Mainly because ive been struggling to keep myself awake in the evenings after work. I still cannot sleep properly and its doing my head in. I’m getting more sleep than i was, and even sleeping right through some nights. But im still not sleeping well more than i am.
Ive had a lot more on my mind this week, not all of which i feel ready to share on here just yet, but the striking blows are still courtesy of my feelings for (E).
Like i said in a recent post, they’re not going anywhere. Not because im fighting to keep hold of them. But because no matter how much i think about other things, my thoughts always, without fail, return to her. One way or another.
I cannot emphasise the enormity of the profound effect (E) has had on me. And in such a relatively short time. Although it felt a lot longer in reality.
The truth is there are days, like today, where i strive to be normal, or at least as much like me as possible, yet under that falsehood of smiles and laughter im crumbling. Im crumbling under the weight of my own expectation. The expectation i believe others have of me. The desperation to be like i was, to not want to cry every time someone says something to remind me of her. Or if i dwell on a thought too long and spiral myself.
It is hard. So very hard.
So i fake a smile. I laugh and joke with my work colleagues as much as my mind can muster. But the truth is that i am just about holding it together.
It doesn’t take much to get a tear out of me. Sometimes it doesn’t take anything more than a single word or phrase.
On days like today i feel so very alone. And i miss her twice as much as normal. It’s so confusing, being so happy at the thought of her before, right before i become so sad at the realisation of the truth.
I said I’d try not to write on here when i am so emotional, but i have no one i can talk about this with (therapist not included) without feeling so terribly stupid.
I know im not the first person to feel heartbreak. To long for the person i feel so strongly for. But i cant feel other people’s feelings, i can feel only my own. And they hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I suppose that’s the flip-side of feeling the best I’ve ever felt.
Ive shed a tear or two on tonights walk, but that’s what i use them for. To let out the emotions clawing at my skin from beneath. I hold them back when around family and friends. But here, alone, they have the freedom to pour from my soul.
My confidence, or at least what there was of it to begin with, is shot. I’m nervous all the time, worried about peoples thoughts about me. I shouldn’t be – i know that – but my subconscious doesn’t believe me when i tell it so.
So i sit here, staring at Jupiter high in the night sky, and cry out my worries. Secretly praying that somewhere, at least sometimes, she thinks fondly of me.
Goodnight, for now, everyone.