I was up all night, and not in a good way 😦
So, what can I say about my frame of mind today?!
I did not sleep well at all last night. I couldn’t settle, and just as I got to sleep, I woke up not half an hour later almost throwing up. Not because I’m ill or out of some other dramatic reason, I just tasted that bile/stomach acid taste at the back of my throat and it made me gag.
I spent nearly 20 minutes waiting to throw up. I never did. A fact I’m not sure made me feel better today or not!
I got back to sleep eventually, which was no small feat, having become wide awake all over again. But I did not sleep calmly. I dreamt about having a job interview which made me nervous, but more because the interviewer was (E). Talk about one track mind!
When I woke up, 30 minutes later than I intended, I ended up missing my bus and being late for work by 3 minutes. All because I had to get up at half 1. And that sucks.
As for today, I felt terrible. I’m tired, emotional, and simply was not in the mood for work today. I kept tearing up, but managed not to cry, and felt lost. I genuinely found myself walking around on autopilot. It was so surreal. I was putting things in the ovens, but not realising until I was half way through. A stupid situation made worse by the lack of sleep – I know, but at least I can safely say I’m not always like this.
I felt very solemn all day, with my mind so loud it was drowning everything else out. I didn’t even feel I could hear my own voice at some points. I know it was probably made to feel worse than it was, due of the tiredness, but it doesn’t make me feel any better in the now. I feel silly, stupid almost. I just wish I had my sense of self back. Again, I feel so lost right now.
I’m going to try and get an earlier night tonight hopefully, that will help me feel much better tomorrow. If not, at least I can say I tried. In the meantime I shall go for my 8.30pm outing, hopefully finding some of the peace and quiet I desperately feel I need.
On a positive note, I finished re-watching Django Unchained tonight. It is such a great film!
I also tried looking for a new job, although there’s nothing I could apply for right now. I’m keeping an eye out on the bistro being built not 30 seconds from my house. A job in a place like that might bring the change of pace I desperately need!
Anyway, I shall leave things here for now. Here’s hoping I feel much better this time tomorrow…