3rd time’s a charm…

I’m a little all over the place right now. I went to my 3rd meeting yesterday, a meeting which made me anxious because of how painful it was going over everything last week.

But I went in, anxiety playing up, with the intent on going through with whatever I was tasked with. I had thought we were going to look at some CBT, and there was at least one exercise written out for me to try. We never got that far.

I was asked how I felt, how I’d been this past week, and I responded with the truth. Up and down. But Mostly down.

I explained how I’d felt this past week, how work made me feel lower and lower just through being there. The lack of engagement from the job role bores me and, in turn, that makes it easy for my mind to wander. When it wanders, it tends to wander in all the wrong directions (pain, confusion, love).

We spoke about my over thinking and previous situations in life (university, work, etc.) before I spoke about how I felt over the past year and how I now realise that I wasn’t as ok as I thought before things all happened with (E). A fact that is upsetting and depressing. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m heading, or what I want. When I was with (E) is was easy. She made me feel things I’ve never felt before and all I wanted was to be with her. That was enough for me. I still did my writing, for my blogs and short stories – I even finished a whole first draft of one short story.

I was doing the things I enjoyed, but having her in my life meant I also had something special, something I find hard to describe with words, to look forward to. She truly was an incredible part of my life – she was everything I’d ever wanted, relationship wise.

It’s brutal to know that having been through all that happiness and joy that I now feel all this pain and sorrow, it’s a cruel end, to say the least.

But that pain is with me every day, a fact that is truly overwhelming. When my mind wanders away from the tasks at hand it heads down the once peaceful, calm corridors it knows. Except, now they’re twisted, darkened hallways that seem to exist to torture me.

I miss (E), truly I do. I want nothing more than to have that happiness back, but I know that things can never be like they were. I have hope, no matter how small a slither, that maybe she’ll wake up one day and want me. But even if that were to happen, it would not be like it was. It would be different,  hopefully in a good way, because too much has gone on for both of us.

However, I shan’t dwell on hope, no matter how small an idea it seems right now. Because that will only help to delete any progress I’ve made (even if I don’t feel like I’ve made any myself).

I was told during my last session that my focus needs to go towards finding something I enjoy and making goals and/or achievement scales for that. Instead of dwelling on and over thinking things that will just cause me more pain.

I want to be able to get some more writing done, but I just feel so creatively lethargic, that being able to write something seems like a world away.

I’m writing some posts about volcanoes (or at least I was – I haven’t written anything in over a week) to try and kick start my science based blog, but it is difficult to keep up the writing day in day out whilst trying to sort through my mind and everything going on.

We’ve just had a power-cut here, and I’ve lost my train of thought, so maybe I’ll leave it there tonight. I have so much going on in my mind right now it does feel a little like I’m burning out. I’m sticking with the counselling until it ends and, if I need it, beyond. I don’t have a session next week due to the bank holiday but the week after will be back to normal. I now must deal with work this week (Easter period in retail is the second worst time of year) but hopefully, I can try and sift through the wreckage my brain feels like and think about what I really want from myself. I can’t make myself promises like “I’m going to stop thinking of (E)” because I can’t. Nor will I expect the pain to stop, because it won’t. My feelings for her have yet to change since the split and it’s silly for me to sit here and expect them to now.

As hard as it is to focus on anything at all right now, I need to try and find something that I like doing and bury my head a little. That and I find a new job/way of dealing with my current one. At the very least, I simply need to do something to try and feel a little happier in myself. Being happy on the outside and sad/low on the inside is not fun. It is extremely tiring mind you.

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