I had my second counselling session yesterday.
It was hard. Very, very hard.
I went in and spoke about how I’d been feeling this past week, which was upset.
I said I wished I’d not gone to London and saved my money. Spent the time at home with my family and not been so alone. I said how being alone seemed to buffer my feelings and emotions. And how I was really upset and just didn’t enjoy myself.
I said how I feel that the emotions just seem to pool. I can take my mind off the things bothering me and have a nice time etc. but the minute my mind even looks in the general direction of those emotions it’s hit with a tidal wave and it’s overwhelming.
We spoke a little about that and tried an exercise where I focus on the thing(s) upsetting me and when I’m fully focused on that, I find something in my local surroundings and describe it. The idea being that I become totally focused in this one thing. Then, when I’m focused on that object and not focused on the thing upsetting me, I go back to the thing upsetting me. I did this over and over.
I imagine it’s a process to help de-sensitise my mind to the thing hurting me or at the very least allow me to learn a method to focus on something else when things get too much.
I tried it. And it was horrible. It was so upsetting, I cried because of the pain and the overwhelming emotions I had to focus on. The first couple of times I managed to focus on the random object. But each time it got much harder to focus on something else. It got to a point where I was describing an object but my mind just would not budge. I was trying all I could to focus on the object but in the background my mind was stuck in that pain and emotion.
The counsellor noticed this and stopped the process and simply spoke to me a bit. I said I have great trouble trying to focus on anything but the things bothering me, not out of choice but because once I start thinking about them, it’s like my brain just wont let go, no matter how much I try.
It was not nice facing that pain, nor was it very flattering. But the truth is I knew this counselling was going to be tough and hard. I knew things would be worse before they get better. Hopefully with the help of my counsellor I can find a way past feeling this pain. God knows I don’t like feeling like this.
On a lighter note: tonight, I’m going to see Ghost In the Shell at my local cinema. It’s on their biggest screen so it should be a nice change of pace. It’s on a 8pm so I will be passing up my 8.30pm-9pm outing tonight. At least at that time. I will walk back via a route that leads me past the bench I frequent. I may even take 5/10 minutes to chill before returning home.
It’ll be nice to get out and do something I don’t usually do. Plus I’m intrigued to see how good this film actually is.