Realising a mistake…

I’ve made a terrible mistake. 

I should not have come here. I should have stayed home and spent my time with my brother and the rest of my family.

I’ve come here today, a little upset. I now lay in bed wishing the hours before i sleep to disappear. 

I’ve not stopped crying since i went out for my walk earlier. I went around Kensington gardens (across the road from my hotel) and as i ambled alongside  the river, with the swans and herons fluttering about, all i could think about was how much (E) would have loved it here.

I feel so stupid. Im here pining after someone who obviously doesn’t care about me, like i do her, anymore. And i wish i could bury these feelings and enjoy my break, but the truth is the feelings are still so raw. 

Naively i thought she was it. She was the one for me. I thought i was the one for her. 

I really should not write on here when im emotional like this but I’m in so much pain and being alone up here was a mistake. I need my family – my brother – to distract me. All the while im up here alone,  im going to drive myself mad thinking of her.

And i hate that im stuck here like this. I wish i could let it go. I do. It would be less painful. But the impression she’s left with me wont stop resonating.

Note to self: you should have saved your money and stayed home.

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