Today i have two things to share…
One: i have an appointment for my counselling. Finally.
The sense of relief that gives me is almost overwhelming. Everything i feel at the moment seems to be overwhelming.
Two: after having a relatively chilled Saturday evening and Sunday morning, i had a not so chilled Sunday afternoon. My anxiety played up – not sure why – and i started to really miss (E) again.
Just as i was starting to do well, again.
Last night all i could think about was her hand and mine playing and us cuddling. It was painful, but rather than fight it and make it worse, i let it in and tried to let it go. It didn’t work very well…
I eventually got some sleep but it was interrupted by me waking up every few hours. My body still refuses to sleep through.
The third time i woke, about 5.30/6am, I’d just dreamt about (E). It was an odd dream in that i was at her house. Her mum and brother were there and I’d just been working on their front garden for some reason?!
I went inside to use their bathroom but as i passed the rooms at the top of the stairs, there she was. Sitting on her bed, typing on her laptop, she was wearing the most beautiful summer dress.
It was a stunning hue of pastel red, blended with subtle measures of pink and orange. She wore matching flipflops. As i stood there, silently attuned by the grace of which she displayed, she turned, saw me staring and blushed. She smiled, waved, and simply said “hi Dan”…
I stuttered out a lame “Hey” back combined with an awkward smile and wave. I blushed, or at least felt like i did, and shuffled into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and said to myself:
“idiot. You should tell her you like her”
It was at that point that i woke up. With tears in my eyes.
This morning was rough, mainly because i was trying to deal with all these emotions that the dream stirred up. But also because it meant i had her on my mind again, and i miss her.
Ì felt better, if a little anxious, when hearing about my appointment this afternoon, but at least now i know i have one to focus on. Hopefully that helps.
That said, on last nights bench-chillout session, i have come up with an idea for some flash fiction. It involves another planet, hard vacuum, and methane seas. Plus a very poignant message.
Hopefully it translates to ‘paper’ well!
