Lost at sea.

Today is a bad day.

It’s fed somewhat by last night, in that i went to bed really missing (E). I don’t know why, last night over any others, but i missed the sound of her voice. I couldn’t recall it. And i tried, and tried, but i couldn’t. And it was upsetting. 

So i went to sleep missing her more than normal and needless to say i dreamt about her again. I feel like such a fool.

She seems to have let go, she hasn’t messaged me once, nor have i any indication that its as hard for her as it is me. And yet i sit here stuck, trying to dig my way out of quicksand. 

The more i try to feel better, the more i slide into the low.

This morning i cried on the way to work. No real reason. I just felt really low. At work I’ve shed a few tears here and there but im trying to force myself through the day. The problem is, it’s like my fears are sabotaging me. Everytime i start to smile or i feel a spark of happiness, theres this little twinge of pain where my heart is. 

All i want is to see her face and hold her again. But as the days go on, there’s ever more chance of that never happening again. And that realisation is not eyeopening, but soul crushing. 

I just wish we could have worked. I really wish things could have worked.

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