I keep flipping between writing on this blog and not.
It’s good to get my feelings out, it stops them rattling around my head. But sometimes i find myself self-harming – not literally of course, just mentally – by going over and over the same things.
The problem i have is that i constantly feel like i dont know why (E) ended things. Sure, she gave me some reasons. But they were generic and gave me no closure. They made no sense in that one week she told me she loved me and was planning a day out for my birthday, the next she’s ending things.
It’s so soul crushing as well as mind bending. I’ve wrecked my brain trying to come up with why it’s happened.
I’ve gone through every scenario i can think of, from her parents making her end it, or her being scared I’ll leave her, all the way through to her just outright lying to me.
I just dont understand how she can go from being so sure of what she felt, to running away and ending things.
She says she lets fear take over and convinces herself she doesnt love me somedays – the last time we spoke. How am i meant to react to that? She also told me some days she does love me and wants nothing more than to be with me. Yet she cant come and talk to me about it all.
I wish it was something i could understand, something i could help her with.
I sit on that bench every night 8.30pm – 9pm, in the hope that she realises that she can come see me and talk to me.
Im under no illusions, i know she wont. But she has the choice.
I want her to push past whatever is holding her back. If that’s the reason.
We could be good together, if she just took the risk.
That said i know if she cant, she’s not right for me. But that hurts, like a knife to my heart, i want her to realise we had something amazing.
I hope she does, but im not expecting her to.