Keeping track, part 14

Ok, yesterday was not a good day. 

Having slept on it, and ignoring the intense dream i had about (E) last night, i realise that ive started to regress into that painful ‘blind hope’ mode ive been through so much.

The truth is that i love (E) and I’d do almost anything for her. Truly i would.

All i ever wanted in return was her love. And, for a long time, i had that.

Now she’s ended things it’s shattered my heart, but my love is still there going strong.

All i want now is for her to push aside the fears that are stopping her and come back to me. I pushed aside my fears for her, all i want is for her to do the same for me.

I know it’s not as easy as that, the brutal truth being if she cant push past thise fears, then maybe we’re not meant to be.

I believe we are meant to be, that our love was true. But for that to be fact, i need her to feel the same.

Right now, the lack of her in my life proves she doesnt feel that. Even if it is true.

And it breaks my heart.

She’s beautiful, not just pretty but beautiful. In that i mean she’s pretty – i find her a to be the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes upon – but more than that, i find her to be the most in depth, full of life human being I’ve ever met.

She’s kind, sweet, gentle, cheeky, funny, smart, and so much more.

She’s thoughtful, caring, calm, warm, and always much more.

I love her and want nothing more than to be with her. If she still feels that for me, like she said she sometimes does, i hope she reads this on one of those days. And realises what she’s pushed away.

I don’t know what she’s scared of, but i wish she’d let me help her through it, because i want her to be happy.

She has so much love to give, she’s shown me that already. She made me feel like i mattered, like i could do anything i wanted with her ny my side. When she held my hand, and looked at me with that look she had, i felt invincible. Perfect. Strong.

I only wish that she finds the strength i know she has, and can find her way back to me. I’ll always be here for her. Im going nowhere.

That said, i do need to find a way out of this little bubble of hope I’ve made for myself. Because it is, quite literally, killing me – psychologically. It’s the psychological equivalent of me self-harming. And it’s not something i want to do. I know im waiting for a counselling appointment, but in the meantime i need to try my best to level myself. 

It’s hard because everyday i miss her more and more. I feel the need to contact her more and more. All the little things i see or hear and instantly think ‘Oh (E) would like that’.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And i dont feel like i can do it. All i want in this world, the one thing i truly want, is for (E) to be the person in my life. For my love to not go unrequited. 

Again, i can only hope for that. But the reality, right now, is that if she truly loved me back, she’d be here. And she’s not.

And that, that is why my heart is breaking.

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