Keeping track, part 14.5

Ok. Here’s how today has gone: crying. 

Thats all ive done. I haven’t been able to stop. I think it’s finally sunk in that she’s never going to come back to me. 

That im an amazing guy? But not amazing enough for her.

That all my being opening, my leap of faith – i fell, hard. But there’s no love to catch my fall. I thought she’d be there to cactch me like i was for her. I guess i eas wrong.

I miss her so much. I’d actually give anything, right now, if it meant things could be fixed for us. And that’s a stone cold sobre statement.

I love (E) so much my heart, mind, and soul are all shattering because she doesn’t feel the same – and i really thought she did.

The tears wont stop coming, im typing through them right now.

How can being in love with someone like this be so painful? How am i meant to get passed something so bloody hurtful.

I went out on a limb for her because i thought she was the one for me. It sounds silly, i know, but let me share with you all something i didnt even share with (E).

I remember the very first time i saw her. I dont mean that time back in october. I mean way back 2 and a half years ago. When i trained her to take my old job. 

I remember that moment as if it was burnt into my memory…

I was working on my usual saturday code checking shift – reducing foods.

Then my manager brought over the new starter i was to train to replace me when i moved departments a month or so later.

He introduced us, Emma was her name. She smiled shyly and said hi.

He left us to get on with it and as he left i smiled at her and said hi. 

She smiled and i proceeded to talk to her about the job. It was boring but we talked about all sorts of things. She was young, but a lovely, sweet girl. 

I ‘fancied’ her, liked her a lot, i thought she was really pretty, easy to talk to, polite, and adorably cute.

That day was one of the best days of my working life, second only to seeing her that day last October

Why? 

Because i liked her the moment i saw her. I never said anything because she told me she had a boyfriend when we started talking about something her (then) boyfriend also liked to do. But i will remember her smile ans how she looked at me for the rest of my life.

So i ignored my feelings. I did so all the time we worked together. I tried to be her friend even after i moved departments. And she was adorably cute. Spot on my type.

When she messaged me about a year ago, and seemed to flirt with me about going for a drink, i ignored it, and played it off as a joke, even though my heart skipped a beat – because she still had a boyfriend and was just being nice.

Then i saw her last october. And on my way home that night, i checked to ser if she was single. She was. So i got talking to her and eventually asked her out.

I didn’t think it would go very well, but it did go extremely well. And the minute i realised this was going well i started to let myself go. Because, naively, i thought it was meant to be. After two years this girl i wished I’d been able to have a chance with? Was finally going out with me, and she liked me. No, she loved me! 

So i opened up. Showed her the real me. And it kept getting better.

Then, it all went wrong, just like i feared, only now it’s too late. I’m not just a littled besotted with her, im in love with her. Full blown, would dive in front of bullet for her, love. 

But she obviously doesn’t feel the same. And probably never did. So now, now im stuck here shattered. Broken… 

Because i was too naive to see i never stood a chance.  I wish she’d come back to me. I wish she’d drive to my house, text me and let me know she was here, and simply cuddle me and say she was sorry and that she does love me..

I’d take her back. There’s nothing she could say that would stop me loving her. But now i feel so foolish. Everyone’s seen me all happy and in love. And now they’re all seeing me so upset. And i feel like a naive fool for thinking we had something special. 

I want her back so much. I wish i could be enough for her – she was enough for me. But instead im sat here in tears because my breaking heart is the most pain I’ve ever felt!

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