Keeping track, part 12

Today’s been ok. In general.

I got up early after a couple of dreams that dredged up more feelings about (E).

Not that they were buried too deep.

I forced myself out of bed before 8.30am and showered. I went out to buy lunch and get some food for my shifts during the week.

I actually felt alright on my way round to the shop. I even did ok when the music in the local shop was a little deep.

But, when i went to the nice little deli for today’s lunch, the guy in there seving gave me a look. I felt he looked at me like i was dirt. It was no doubt just my lack of self-confidence, and he was probably just waiting for me to order. But it still hit me hard. 

It made me feel like crap. And as i walked out, i had tears in my eyes. I feel so low these days, even when i think i feel fine, in myself. 

I wouldn’t call it paranoia, just a low self esteem issue. And trying to stop the negative thoughts being the first our of the gate is hard to do.

I teared up a little on the way home,  got upset by the seafront before pulling myself together.

I wiped my tears and walked home. 

Since then I’ve just chilled, played some xbox, watched a bit of a new tv show and walked the dog  (twice). I’ve calmed my mind substantially since this morning. But it still plays on my mind how upset i got. It’s almost like my mind is reminding me that even though i might feel ok, im a long way off being so.

I’ve had an early dinner, so i can go out for a slightly earlier walk tonight. Im going to do the full circuit walk…

Down to the closed cafe (past my local pavilion) around the seafront, up past betty’s bench, around the other part of the seafront, up by the sunken garden and then back along the road, enjoying the views of some rather lovely houses.

I have no doubt every car will excite my heart, hoping it’s (E). But getting past the pain of disappointment is something I need to do. 

Of course i hope for the fantasy of her in my life to come true. But i still need to overcome (or get used to) the nerves that plague me for just thinking of her…

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