Keeping track, part 11

I’ve had a pretty good day today.

My anxiety has been almost non-existent, my sister came home and looked very fresh and well, I posted that letter to (E), went for a walk, and even caught a film at the local family run cinema.

Basically, I filled my day with as much as possible.

It started pretty poorly in that I woke up at half 6 having had a rather sobering dream about me and (E).

We met up as ‘just friends’, but clearly still had feelings for each other. We flirted, went for a walk, took in some local shops, went out for a drink, and by the end of the night got closer like we use to be. Unfortunately, it was then I woke up.

I shed a few tears because I have no idea how to be just friends after being so intimate with someone I’ve not only fallen in love with but also still am very much in love with.

I went back to sleep and dreamt about saving a girl, who’s face I never saw but was referred to by everyone as (E). The dream involved a hurricane-strength storm forming in a central city area. There was a huge roundabout outside the hotel and the hurricane’s eye formed and dropped right over it. There was an almighty blue flash as the hurricanes funnel touched down, followed by the windows either shattering or being sealed shut by the clouds (for some reason the clouds acted like adhesive foam?!). I managed to escape the hotel with the girl. We picked up a boat and started our escape from the storm. It had moved uphill and all the water it was spewing out gave us the current we needed to find our way out of the city. As we escaped we found somewhere to live out our lives together (we were the only survivors) and it was there I woke up.

It was a rather action-packed dream and the emphasis was on survival and not the girl. The first dream, however, was all about (E) and that has stuck with me all day.

I went out and posted some letters for my brother and, importantly, I posted my letter to (E). I just went for it. It’s been 2 weeks since we spoke – the longest since this all happened, and I’m no closer to being over it than I was when it happened nearly 4 weeks ago. The truth is I miss her and want her in my life.

The letter is meant to be a way of saying that to her in as pressure-free a way as possible. By writing a letter I hope to remove all pressure for a response. because I don’t expect a reply, there is no need for her to do so if she doesn’t want to. And if she does reply there’s a set level of distance supplied by the royal mail’s delivery service.

So, with that all done I set out to have a day where I did something I don’t usually do…

So I walked into town and chose to see a film at the local (relatively cheap) cinema. I saw The Great Wall (Matt Damon – the great wall of china, man vs monster) for a stunning price of just £2.50!

It was an ok film, pretty good from an action point of view, but not great on story or originality.

I came home, spent about a half hour there before heading out for a walk again.

I’m starting to think these walks are a bad thing in that I tend to dwell on things about (E) that I shouldn’t. I’ve been talking with my two friends and they both agree that I shouldn’t fight thoughts about (E) as that will make it worse. So, I’m embracing them, accepting them, and trying to let them go. That last part is proving very, very difficult.

Tonight’s walk consisted of the walk I’ve come to love: Along the seafront, via the sunken garden, and then a walk along the road taking in some of the rather lovely looking houses.

On the walk along the front I started thinking about one evening I spent with (E); the night we told each other ‘I Love You’…

It was a memory I had such great joy recalling, but now it’s sorrow disguised as joy. I smile at the first thought of it but then the trap closes around me and the sorrow seeps in.

I recall my turmoil over thinking long and hard about what I wanted to say to her, how I wanted to word it all. I had anxiously memorised a whole speech about how much she meant to me and that, although I was scared to say it, I loved her.

My anxiety levels that night were through the roof. But the look in her eyes and the smile on her face made me feel like it was ok to say the words. So, after several minutes of stuttering and fumbling, I said the three words I’d never told anyone before “I Love You”.

The best bit was that she smiled, put her hand on my face and told me she loved me too.

We kissed and, that night, the whole world changed for me. It meant it was all real. My feelings, her, us. All of it. But the sorrow I now feel when I think of that moment is because I can no longer say those words to her. I want to, I know I still feel the same way, but she doesn’t or at least doesn’t want to be in a position where we can say that to each other freely.

Just as I started to tear up, as the tears started to fall in fact, I looked up and saw something beautiful…

That double rainbow, along with the way the buildings in front of me were lit up like they were on fire, stunned me. At one point a huge flock of seagulls flew across the rainbow and out to sea. It was truly a breathtaking scene.

It stunned all negativity from my mind, and although the thoughts returned, they did so in a less intrusive manner.

I continued my walk along the front, towards the sunken garden. I entered the garden via one of its many entrances/exits and walked its perimeter twice. Just to take it all in. I cannot wait to see it in full bloom.

But the real test of my mind was still to come…

As I walked back to the front, I saw a car that resembled the same make as (E)’s. I saw it from a distance, I’d recognise its shape anywhere. As I got closer, I saw it had the same date registration as her car, and panicked. Stupid, I know, but I truly panicked and started getting anxious. My arm started to ache and tremble and I worried myself into a stupor. I looked around me, tried to see if she was nearby, but had to calm myself. I took myself back to the sunken garden to help me fight the anxiety now building inside me.

I went to the sunken garden because it blocked the view of the car and also proved that she was not there. Once I saw that I walked the perimeter again, this time talking to myself. I said everything I could to convince myself she wasn’t near, that the car could have been anyone and that the number of cars like hers with a similar registration could have been in the thousands. Certainly, it was in the hundreds.

Eventually, I calmed my mind and walked back via the buildings. I took in the nice houses a second time and walked past the car again. I did look at it several times to see if anyone had come back to it but I managed not to feel too anxious about it all. I turned, walked home and tried to strike it from my memory. About 10 minutes later I did look at my window and the car had gone – anxiety was gone.

It may sound like an over-the-top reaction but I panicked in case she had come to see me. Or worse if she’d just come to the area with family/friends. I was scared about seeing her and not knowing how to act, about being surprised or seeing her family/friends.

I was putting pressure on myself about a theoretical situation that was probably never going to occur tonight – let alone ever. I told myself that and it helped calm me a great deal. I suppose that’s a win, a plus. But it feels like a loss when I reacted like that, to begin with. I still hope for the fantasy where she comes back to me and we talk and work things through. But I panic about it too.

I know I think about things far too much and I wish I could calm it down a lot. But I don’t know how to do that at the moment. I’m hoping I can learn, and become a better person for it. But I’m not holding my breath if I’m honest.

Anyway, it’s been a roller-coaster of a day. The plus points are that I managed to talk myself down from an impending anxiety attack, went to see a film (that was fun), saw a stunning double rainbow, and my sister is back home from the hospital.

There are plenty of negatives, but I’m trying to focus on the above positives instead. I’m now resting at home, about to watch a bit of Pacific Rim (people vs monsters being the theme of the day I feel) and then I’ll hopefully sleep through to at least 6/7pm again!

Thank you for reading and, love for (E) aside, I hope I can get passed all of this pain and self-torture! Goodnight.

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