Keeping track, part 10

Double figures. That means it’s been 10 days since I decided to start this process of keeping track of my feelings, in hope of trying to pinpoint lows and figure out when I’ll have them before I have them.

It’s not working very well, I have to admit.

But it is helping me get some emotion out of my head and ease the stresses on my brain. Since I’ve started this ‘keeping track’ process I’ve not cried as much, nor have I floundered as much.

I’ve started coping with the pain better and even started smiling, sometimes laughing.

That’s some plus points right there!

The anxiety is still rather hard to deal with at work. I still have moments that overwhelm me and, as I’ve said in previous posts, I get upset – which makes me more anxious, which makes me more upset – a typical spiral fall if I ever heard of one.

Last night I had an urge to write. Not my short story (shame) but a letter to (E).

I binned it before going to bed, nothing good could come of it – I just wanted my thoughts and emotions out on paper.

But, when I woke, this morning I had that urge back again. Only this time it was like an itch inside my brain. I tried to ignore it and do something else. But that itch just got more and more painful. In the end, I gave in. And wrote.

I wrote a long letter to (E). I have it in my draw, sealed, addressed, and ready to send.

I don’t yet know if I will send it or not. But either way, it is a relatively nice letter that grants communication with little or no pressure from or for either of us.

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I have kept clear of any communication for nearly two weeks now (because it’s difficult for us both but mainly because to get my head straight I needed the space) but it’s painful doing so. I miss (E) so much and selfishly, I’ve cut off. I wish I could speak with her and not reveal my feelings but I know if we spoke, I would say something stupid and ruin any chance we had at being friends. I don’t know how to speak to her when I still feel so strongly for her. I love her.

Those feelings have not changed and I don’t see them changing anytime soon. The minute we speak to or see each other I know my heart will flutter and I’m scared I’ll cry. I’m sensitive, emotional, and right now an anxious mess.

I know things don’t always work out but I truly believe they will between me and (E). I still have hope. I’m just scared of what comes next. I’m scared that she’ll move on and I’ll get stuck here in love with her. And thinking about all this is driving me crazy.

I know that space and time might bring her back to me, or it might take us both separate ways. It’s the not knowing.

But I feel this love now, for her, and I don’t know what I’m meant to do.

This post is indicative of my feelings and my mind right now. It’s all over the place.

I love (E), I miss her and want nothing other than to embrace her again. To hold her hand and walk with her. But it breaks my shattering heart to think it might never happen again.

I don’t know what to do. I’m going out for dinner tonight. I’m going to go for a hot chocolate at a nice local American-style diner. Then I’m either going for some chips and a walk along the seafront or a simple walk around the town. Either way, I hope to clear my head a little. I need to decide on whether to send this letter or not tomorrow. Right now I wish the post office was open – I’d post it and be done with the indecision. 

Whatever happens, I’m done writing on here today. I need a break – I’ll be back tomorrow with part 11, I hope I feel a little better!

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