Keeping track, part 9

I thought it was best to leave this post until late today because it was a rough start to the day.

I’m feeling in a pretty good mindset now I’ve left work and have 3 days off to look forward to!

I woke this morning feeling a little down. Everything this past week has been so emotional and hard to deal with. I miss (E) terribly, and not messaging her is painful. But I need this space, just like she probably does.

Combining that with being back at work, where my anxiety has plagued me, means I woke this morning, quite simply, shattered.

I’m still not sleeping properly, waking at least 2 or 3 times and to make it worse, when I do sleep, I usually dream of (E). What a torturous mind I have!

Anyway, moving on…

I had a little extra time to kill this morning so I had a look at my email before heading to catch my bus. What I found waiting for me was one of the most emotionally charged, yet comforting, poems I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.

Truth be told, right now, I’m an emotional wreck. I’m hurting because (E) ended things. I won’t get into it all over again, but the fact is that it has hit me really hard. It doesn’t help that my anxiety when I’m working really does take a lot out of me. I mean, it is so tiring, trying to constantly keep myself level and stop myself freaking out. I have moments of feeling fine, little moments of normality that peak through the clouds. But, then, it all goes dark, the trembling starts and the sickly-nervous feeling in my chest builds. My brain starts firing off random thoughts and all the emotions that were stable and settled are then thrown against the walls of my mind and I truly feel like my head is spinning. It makes me feel like I’m going mad. I start to over-think things and it simply gets out of control.

When I’m not too stressed I can usually talk myself down into a lower, easier to handle, level. But days like today, where it was stressful and I didn’t have a second to even breathe, I cannot control it properly and I start spiralling. I get emotional and tears form in the corners of my eyes. I feel like my brain is burning out and having no control furthers that. The worst thing about the spiral is that I get upset when I get overly-anxious and that makes me more anxious, which makes me more upset – so on and so forth.

As for (E): I have hope that she’ll find her way back to me and I have faith in what I feel. But the truth is I don’t really know what she’s thinking. We haven’t spoken in nearly 2 weeks and she could be fine for all I know.

I know how I hope she feels – I hope she misses me more every day, until one day she realises that she made a mistake and wants to really try again. I know what I feel but she needs to figure out what she feels. I just hope it leads her back to me.

Anyway, back to the email…

For the first time in a long time, I clicked on an email from WordPress (one telling me someone I follow has posted). It was a user named CharityJanisse that this email referred to. Specifically, the post titled “and my hands dance along the canvas”.

Now, I’ve written a fair few poems in my time and they’re mostly garbage I’m sure but the ones that mean the most to me come from deep down inside me. The ones that connect with me on an emotional level.

The same can be said for poems that other people write.

This poem, in particular, spoke to me on a deeply emotional level. It said something to me that I’ve been thinking about since the minute (E) broke things off.

The way CharityJanisse perfectly showcases the contrasting emotions of realisation and regret really made me feel her pain, and yet it still managed to fill me with a sense of joy, having had the opportunity to read it.

I admit, this poem is attractive to my mind because it is how I hope (E) feels in some way, that in leaving me her love for me will grow and she’ll realise she’s made a mistake, find her way to me, and make things right again. I live in la la land, I know!

Whatever happens in my life, whether me and (E) find each other again or not, I can at least say that today was a day made better by me having read this poem.

Below is an excerpt of the piece. But if you would like to pay CharityJanisse a visit and view the poem in its fullest glory? Please click here… Just remember to give her a follow if you like her work, she’s extremely talented and has brightened my stressful and exhausting day!

and my hands dance along the canvas – by CharityJanisse

my mind
if he’s alright
(He seems okay, he seems fine)
I’m wrecked of course
but hardly mind
dripping in
sipping in
time and wine.

Como Siempre
sin ti
lately ~

Final word from today: I’m sitting here typing this, thinking about going for a chilled walk around half eight tonight. I will take a short one along past the benches and out towards the local pavilion. I will then enjoy the nice houses on the way home. There’s something calming about seeing them. I will probably watch a film when I get back and sleep like a baby (hopefully).

But before I go, I’d like to thank CharityJanisse one last time. Seeing that post combined with our brief conversation afterwards has really helped me feel a little happier on a day where I simply could not see a way to be so. Thank you.

I will go on my walk, hope that every car that passes me by is (E) and live in hope she’ll come for me. Even if she doesn’t – the walk will do me good both physically and mentally.



2 thoughts on “Keeping track, part 9

  1. Thank you for reading and sharing my work! I think in a way we give each other hope. Also, I had almost the exact same anxiety symptoms off and on, from about November to January. Writing is my favorite therapy, also deep breathing and of course changing my mental focus from thoughts of sadness and fear, to thoughts of thankfulness and love. It’s tricky when you miss someone, but still possible. Find a positive phrase or mantra to say when you can’t think straight and you start to worry, that practice saves me when I begin to spiral. My mantra is “Perfect love cast out all fear”. I think it might be scripture and I’m not particularly religious, but there’s something in that phrase that keeps me from spiraling downward.

    Thank you for touching base today. It’s times like this that I feel like my writing, even poems like this, have reason and meaning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome! As I said, it’s a very touching and emotional piece that really spoke to me and I’m sure it will do the same to many others!
      I’ve tried changing my mental focus but can’t seem to get it to stick, I tend to spiral quicker than I can level myself out. I imagine i’ll get better with practice but the emotions the anxiety dredges up are a little intense and probably do not help at all.
      I shall definitely look for something to say to myself to get me out of my rut, but again, it’s difficult to find something that sticks!
      Again thank you for sharing such a lovely and personal piece!
      They do indeed, we never know who our words will affect – or how. We can just do our best. I live in hope and whilst I don’t want to lose myself to it, sometimes it’s the only thing that can get me through a particularly tough time.
      Thank you for your comments and for being so kind! I will certainly think upon your words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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