Keeping track, part 8.5

Last night a friend gave me a crash course in trying to prevent anxiety when it rears its head.

They told me how trying to be in tune with myself helps:

Basically, when I feel anxious or nervous, I am to ask myself 2 questions…

  • Why am I anxious?
  • Do I have any control over the reason?

Well, I tried it at work today. It’s not easy! I can tell when I’m anxious, trembling and a sickly nervous feeling in my chest are a dead giveaway.

Unfortunately, that’s where the ease toughens. Trying to figure out why I’m so anxious would be fine if it wasn’t for the whirlwind of emotions stirred up when I feel anxious.

I imagine if I was just combatting anxiety I could probably think a little clearer.

But I’m still so bloody emotional and hurting because of the breakup, that all the anxiety does is swish thoughts to do with that around my head.

It’s like that end task in the crystal maze… I’m trying to pick out the reasons for my anxiety, but I keep plucking thoughts about (E), or insecurities I now face because of her rejection.

I know that professional help will probably help me out, but I have at least 3 weeks to wait for an appointment. And that’s assuming a best case scenario.

So I’m trying to get a head start on my own mind. Try and at least curtail the anxiety when I’m at work (where I suffer the worst).

I know the pain of things with (E) is slowly fading but I’ve still got a very long way to go and right now I’m still stuck down the dead-end street called hope avenue.

Those 3 questions I mentioned in my earlier post? My lapse into self-destruction… 

The 3 questions I’d ask (E) if she were in front of me, right now? See them for yourself…

  1. What has you so scared, that you’d turn away from someone who not only loves you but that you’ve said you love back?
  2. Why would you talk to me about plans for my birthday, 8 weeks in advance, if a day/week later you broke things off anyway? And I could tell you were excited about those plans.
  3. What can I do to help quell those fears?

I wouldn’t beg, nor would I want things back right away, but I’d want her to know I was here for her, that I love her, that I’d do anything to help her.

But it’s all fantasy, thoughts born of hope and fuelled by my feelings and dream so real it struck me in the heart and head at the same time.

I’m going to go for a walk again tonight. To clear my head.

Route: the long way around the front, around the Sunken Gardens  (although I won’t be going in as it’s far too dark and just a little too secluded) before heading home via the nice houses. Should be nice, albeit brisk!

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