Keeping track, part 7.5

This post should supply context for comments about my second dream (from last night)…

When I use the phrase ‘it felt real’ what I mean to say is: when you dream, details can be fluid or become lost, like looking at someone and when you turn back to them later they look different or they have a different voice to what they should etc.

The dream I had last night:

It was windy and cold like it was last night, it was dark when we met, but more importantly; she was as real as I’ve ever seen her. The coat she wore, the scarf and gloves, her rose-red nose, even the smallest details of her face. I know it was just a vivid dream but something about it made me believe it was real.

The sound of the waves crashing, the sound of her car’s engine as she parked, the feeling of the cold air on my face when she smiled her shy smile, the colour of her rose-red nose that almost glows when she’s cold. All of these very real details combined and it felt like I was there. I know dreams can stir up feelings and emotions (i know that all too well) but this was an experience on another level.

It took every inch of strength to get out of bed because my brain was telling me to go back to sleep and see what she said. Luckily, I saw I was late getting up and forced myself up. But the feeling of experiencing such a vivid, almost hyper-real, dream about (E) leaves me, well, I’m just left feeling a little jolted. Like I’ve been knocked off balance.

It threw me right out this morning, it didn’t unsettle me, but when my anxiety over work kicked in, everything I felt was dialled to 10. And, well, it was hard.

But there were positives today: I am yet to shed a tear today. I managed to speak to my supervisor about some things that made me uncomfortable (and she understood). I told them I was not comfortable having to train someone tomorrow, nor comfortable that I was finding out via gossip that I had to train someone (instead of via her or my manager).

It felt good to boost myself by actually saying those things. If I can remember that feeling and get this anxiety (and overthinking) under control – I should be in a much better place.

That, at least, is the plan! I just hope that appointment hurries up!

Addendum: The wind is blowing about around 30mph down here at the moment, so my planned starry-night walk just got a lot shorter. 😥

I’m heading out to the Sunken Gardens, before walking the road home. Hopefully, the road will offer me some protection and I can look at the nice houses on the way back! Small things and all that…


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