Just a quick one as its late.
I currently cannot get to sleep.
I had this thought in my mind earlier. And it has grown, substantially.
I thought of (E), coming to my house after work and asking to speak with me… I went over how I’d feel, what I’d do. And i surprised myself with what I’d want to say and do. I was strong.
But that was in my own head. Without her there. And i know i wouldn’t hold up to it. Because the truth is i dont know what id say or do if that happened.
This is the worst bit mind you: Around eleven pm, my phone flashed on. And i cannot emphasise just how much my heart jumped. Against all reality, all my knowing it wouldn’t be her, i still thought it was. And it sucked.
I’m truly stuck here. And it hurts. But i am getting better. I have my ups and downs and the downs suck. Because they come out of nowhere. But there are moments where the pain doesn’t sting quite so much…
Although my anxiety when im at work seems to stir it all up a lot more.
Anyway, I’m going to try and at least get some sleep before tomorrow!