Keeping Track, part 5

Today has been full of ups and downs.

I struggled to sleep last night, after reading the book lent to me by my friend. It was all about handling a breakup. But It focused on the breakup being in favour of a victim girl (i.e. the guy was a cheat etc.)

Seeing as (E) was nothing but nice, the things the book says don’t really apply, in that they’re focused on making you dislike or discard the feelings as they’re no longer worthwhile. It sounds strange but I can’t do that because there’s nothing to dislike or hate. And I don’t want to become bitter about it all.

But that didn’t stop my mind from overthinking the whole situation. The things the book said people mean when they say certain things – like how they’re lies to reduce guilt for the ‘dumper’? Those things were stirring around my mind, and I over analysed everything said between me and (E). It was upsetting. Because it made me doubt everything she’d said to me.

I was just getting used to not thinking so much about it all, but last night, coupled with this morning, made me feel terrible – I felt so much pain. And I only have myself to blame!

So, I went out for lunch to take my mind off it. But the shop had a song playing that reminded me of (E). And it was upsetting. I thought I was doing ok, but as I cried a little on the way home, I realised I’ve still got a long way to go.

I’m still putting too much pressure on myself to be better quicker. And I need to lay off myself.

I need to be more appreciative of the little steps. It’s been a whole week since I last spoke to (E). It’s been horrifically difficult because I’ve wanted to message her every day. But I’ve managed to save myself. Because I know she’s not wanting things as they were – which means it’ll just hurt me more if I do contact her.

I’m still wishing and hoping she’ll see that she does, in fact, love me and that she comes back and shows me that. But I’ve stopped holding my breath.

I still feel my heart skip a beat when I see the same model car as hers, or see someone from a distance wearing the same colour coat as she used too.

I still hope she comes running back and says sorry and that she’s made a terrible mistake and she wishes she could take it all back. But I know it won’t happen. So I don’t feel as disappointed when it doesn’t.

 

I go back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks signed off. I still don’t have an appointment from the counsellors yet, which I still feel like I desperately need. I want to be my happy self again. I want the confidence to not worry about what I say to people. I want to be able to numb my automatic anxiety and tendency to overthink. But to do that, I need professional help.

So, with luck, I’ll hear about an appointment soon, and try not to let work get to me.

Right now, however, I’m about to go for a nice long walk. Same route as always: through the town, past the closed cafe, walk along the seafront, through the sunken gardens, and then home for dinner. Chillout, followed by chillout, followed by, hopefully, a good nights rest…

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