Keeping track, part 4

So, today started off as per usual. Me waking up, after a dream about (E), nothing too emotional this time, but she was in the dream.

She passed me by in her car, she waved hello as she drove by. I smiled and waved back. 

At the time it made me smile to see her. But when i woke up i had the fears already knocking at my door: what if that’s what we become? Just two people who went out once?

Negative thoughts from the get go. Not great.

But i tried to change my way of thinking. I dont yet understand how this mindfulness stuff works. It’s difficult to wrap my head around to be honest.

But i tried to think about positive things. The things she messaged me a little while back (that Saturday we had a nice chat).

It made me smile. But filled me with renewed hope. Not quite what i was after but it did help lift the sadness rippling through my mind. So it was a kind of half win…

I have plans to meet one of the two friends I’ve been in contact with this past week. I’m travelling up to Rochester to meet her for a coffee. 

It’ll be nice to catch up, talk through things, and hopefully feel at peace for just a little while.

I need this mini break, especially with me going back to work this week and still not hearing about an appointment.

I’m still struggling with messaging (E) i want to know how she’s doing so badly. But i know it wont help. And it’ll probably delay my current recovery. 

I just cannot stop thinking about her, every time a car of the same model as hers passes me, my heart leaps into my throat.

I get excited, my heart races. And then, inevitably im met with disappointment because she doesnt own a bright red car! It’s a feeling, born of hope, of naivety. 

One day we might get our reconciliation. But it’s not today. No matter how much i wish that were the case…


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