Keeping track, 4.5

So, today was a great day. In spirit.

It was another day that i have not messaged (E). Another day i have not cried. At least not properly (there were a few tears on my walk home from the train station – more about them later).

I’ve spent all afternoon with my friend (N). She lives about an hour away by train, and i went to her because she just got off two night shifts and was a bit tired. But she still wanted to meet.

She’s one of the two friends I’ve been in constant contact with this past week or so.

We met up in a part of the country i used to live in, but have not stepped foot in for over 10 years! Talk about a trip down memory lane!

We had coffee and lunch in a local costa, and then went for a walk by the river after.

We spoke, at first, about little things. Catch up small talk.

But then, when we settled for lunch, we broke into our shit storms.

I spoke about how I’ve been feeling about (E). About how hard it is to stop my self-critical mindset. How im trying to balance my hope for any future we may or may not have (however far down the line) with trying to feel better about myself in the wake of losing someone i truly let myself go with. Someone i truly, deeply, love.

She also shared her feelings, about her ex, and how his awful treatment towards her had made her feel.

We have had two very different break ups – mine was well-mannered, where as (N) was treated awfully.

She also lent me a book on break ups. Its based on how to feel when all you want to do is hold on and never move on.

How you should react to a break up. 

The truth is: I love (E) with all my heart. Even now; knowing it’s breaking because she doesn’t love me as much (or can’t decide if she does).

The fact is. She broke it off because she did the right thing. If she got scared and didnt feel she commit love to me, like i did to her, then it’s better it ends now than a few more months down the line. Better for us both.

It ended well, at least on good terms, because me and (E) are nice people. I know how she must be feeling, knowing she’s broken my heart. And it breaks my heart even more to know she feels like that.

The truth is, i feel awful. Because i fell for the best person ive ever met. I let myself go, when my fears tried to hold me back. I dove in head first, because i wanted to make it work. I wanted to spend my time, my life, with her.

Im not talking about marriage and thinking about our futures (sure i hoped we had one – i still hope we do). Im talking about in the moment. Day to day. I wanted my life with her in it. 

That’s not my reality anymore. And it breaks my heart. But i realise that no amount of hoping and/or wishing will change that.

I have to believe that if things are meant to be, they’ll be. Its hard and it’ll take some work.

But something i need to keep in mind is this: she broke up with me..if she wants me back, she knows where i am. 

It’s out of my control. She needs to realise she wants me. I cannot make her realise me. In the meantime I need to get past this pain and be happy in myself again. Regardless of whether she realises she wants me back or not.

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