It’s odd. The pain has subsided in that it no longer rules me.
I still miss her more than is bareable. And the images (and dreams) of her have yet to stop.
But i can deal with it all better.
It’s hard not to get angry at myself and blame myself, such is the way of my mind, but i know i did the best i could.
That’s not to say im better mind you. Im still waiting for an appointment with a counsellor. I have no idea why it’s taking so long. I may even call them to try and hurry things along tomorrow.
I have to go back to work this week. Im not sure how I’ll handle that. Im a little anxious about it. About how my mind wonders freely when im at work.
But im going to try and counter that by mindfully focusing on everything that i do.
Maybe it will help me find peace.
I still find myself thinking, lovingly, of (E) all the time. I wish i could see her, hug her, kiss her.
But they’re just fantasies. I have faith and hope and trust, in that if its meant to be it’ll be. I have faith in the things she said to me. That if its true love, we’ll find each other again, when we’re meant to.
It’s no real solace now, when i miss her so much, but it’s something i feel, and trust in, to be true.
Anyway today i plan on walking a little bit (later on) – maybe the same route as yesterday, only whilst it’s still light out.
Other than that i planned to go out for lunch and just generally chill out – i still am not sleeping properly. My dream of (E) last night woke me at 2am. Still, it was not a sad one, but a happy one. One of reconciliation.