Keeping track, part 3.5

The view from by the sunken gardens. Showing a local town lit up against the dark of night.

It’s late. And im about to go to bed and read some of my book.

I went for that walk i mentioned earlier. I was doing ok, following the same route as yesterday; i went towards the next town, but doubled back before i got too far, followed the coastal wall and chalk cliffs right round for about half an hour before taking a tour of the sunken gardens. Then i followed the main esplanade back home. Having stopped to read for about half hour, i was out for around 90minutes or so.

I was doing ok. Until i started talking to myself. Nothing crazy. Just thinking out loud. It started harmless enough, but before i even knew what i was saying i was talking through all the things i wanted to say to (E) – right there and then.

It’s hard to stop thinking of her, the more i try to stop, the more thoughts of her fill my mind. So ive stopped fighting the thoughts. Im going to think of her, it’s natural. You are bound to think of people you care for.

So i let the thoughts in, try to recognise them, label them, and let them go. 

Im practicing mindfulness – in attempt to try and claw back some control over my thoughts. Mainly to try and stabalise myself before i go back to work and to keep me sane until my appointment comes through.

I’m not very good at it yet. Hence my slip on my walk earlier. 

I’ve read that the trick is to not get angry for thinking those thoughts, to accept them and move on without being so self-critical. I’ve not got that far yet. I can’t seem to kick the frustration at myself.

I don’t think nasty things about (E), all my thoughts are of love, caring, reconciliation, and general niceness.

Which kind of makes it harder. Because i get annoyed at myself. Why are you thinking these things? Why are you thinking of her?

The answer, i know, is because i still love her of course. But i get annoyed because im trying to push past the pain thoughts of us together dredge up. The fears of never being with her again. 

The view from that closed cafe. There were more clouds tonight. It was warmer too.

Like i said, im trying to be more mindful and just let the good and bad thoughts in and out without reacting to them. 

I’m just not that good yet.

My feelings haven’t changed mind you. I still miss her terribly. I see her car everywhere, and look a little closer just in case. I still hope to see her waiting for me by the bench i frequent on my walks.

It’s difficult to let go of those thoughts. 

That said, i do find that after my initial low mornings, i can handle these thoughts quite well at the moment. Family arguments aside.

I just hope i can keep my head about me when i go back to work.

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