Keeping track, part 2…

So, i had planned on writing this whilst out on a walk. I had planned on sharing how I’d tried to carry yesterdays good day into today. 

I had planned on sharing a view of the sea i was taking in whilst resting on another hour long walk. 

Instead im sat here on my bed in tears. Not because of thoughts of (E), but because of my mother.

She asked if me and my brother wanted to go see my sister in hospital. She’s doing ok now and it was just to go day hello.

The thing is, i know my sister is doing ok, but i know being there with my entire family – forced to talk to them or fake a smile would be too much.

It sounds harsh on my sister but she understands. 

My mothet kicked off when i told her i didnt want to go. But not because i said i didnt want to go, she kicked off at me because i wouldnt tell her why.

I simply said i didnt want to go and i didnt want to talk about why. I know saying why would cause an argument and upset my mum. Which would make me feel even worse. 

She started shouting at me, telling me how other people have it worse anr that i should just snap out of it. She shouted and shouted and shouted.

I got upset, told her to please drop it. She kept going. I got more upset.

I got angry, frustrated, and shouted at her to just leave me alone. I didn’t want to talk about it and couldnt she see it was making me worse. 

As all this went on, my anxiety levels rose a lot, for the first time in a few days and my arm started trembling.

It was horrible. But all my mum saw was some stupid boy who was being ‘grumpy’.

How can i talk to someone who doesnt understand? Who, when i try to explain, just reverts to platitudes like ‘snap out of it’ and ‘well you could have it worse’.

How do i tell my own mother that she makes me worse when she’s like this?

I know she is worried about me but she lets her frustrations out on me and because i wont talk to her she gets angry and shouts at me. 

I cant handle that. I hate confrontation and i hate it when she then goes and moans about me to my dad (who is yet to show any interest towards me at the moment) and i can hear every word.

It’s difficult when your own family seem to be against you and can’t help – it’s even more so when they simply make it worse. 

I’m going to go for that walk but it’ll be dark by the time im back…

I dont care. I just need to get out of this house tonight.

And im starting to realise that if i can ever afford to move out, I’ll need to do so – as soon as i can. This house is a huge negativity provider.

Just when i was starting to do ok too!

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