Ok. I know i said i wouldnt post anymore. But the truth is i have no progress tracker.
I have spent the entire time since the break up missing (E). As my posts may have teased. Ok fine it was more than painfully obvious.
I’ve had some good days, and some terribly low days.
Today is a good day.
On a good day i can focus more on positives. The positives are that (E) loved me for who i am. I was open. I was honest. And i got to experience a love plucked straight from the storybooks. The truest kind.
I also now understand that the things causing me the most pain are not so much to do with this break up as they are to do with my own mind.
I’ve kept in contact with two of my long time friends this week (2 close friends i met when i was at college).
They’ve both been through (past or present) the same issues with anxiety and insecurity as i suffer from.
So they’re really helpful as advice givers.
They’re also both lovely people and really good friends – they’ve been here for me all week. One called me on her lunchbreak earlier – to check in with me.
It makes me feel more at ease knowing other people genuinely have the same issues as me. But more than that, 2 people who I’ve always thought of as having everything so together.
It’s a brilliant way to ground my fears of being so passed help.
So, the past week… It’s been really hard. I spend most mornings wrapped up in my own thoughts. Everyone at home is ill at the moment – which means less space for me – and on top of that my sister is currently in hospital having been diagnosed with a life-long issue. Nothing life-threatening but its still a big deal for her (she’s only 25).
On top of all that im still trying to get my head straight, after my heart break and with all this going on my brain still feels chewed up.
It’s hard. It’s really hard. But I’ll be honest: today im coping well.
The only thing i still struggle with is the urge to message (E).
I still struggle, especially these past few days, with worrying about how she feels. How’s she dealing with it all.
I also feel bad in that my negativity from previous posts has upset her and pushed her away from me.
I know I’m a nice person, and i know she knows that. I hope she can see past the negativity and see back to the real me.
I know im too hard on myself and i need to try a stop that. I need to be more positive.
The issue im having is that i expect too much of myself. Im hoping i can try and combat that in the time between now and going to see someone.
I want to get better. Not just for (E), but for me. For my own peace of mind…